Oni

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Hey everyone! I'm really horrible at categorizing poetry but I'm pretty sure this one fits in here. This poem was my baby for a long time and I think I've finally finished (though when is a poem ever really done??) The title can confuse people so let me define it...."Oni" is a Japanese word meaning "demon or spirit" or "it (as in a game of tag)". Hope that helps!


ONI

Slam the door
ignore the pain
turn the key and
pin the blame
on teenage angst
this soul, aflame
must have its way
it can't be tame

Pump the pedal
it's drawing near
breath on my back
it's almost here
lips pulled back in
taunting leer
long fingers reach
I must pull clear

Pass the signs
it's one big race
a race against
both time and space
the stakes are high
no losing grace
no turning back
the bet's in place

Hit the bump
I'm flying high
no time to stop
just say good-bye
no fear tonight
no fear to die
just hit the gas
it's time to ride

Turn the corner
furious speed
tires squeal
I'm in the lead
the engine roars
there is no need
the test has come
can I succeed?

Run the light
still speeding fast
silver bullet
shoot the past
dragon face against
the glass
falling off
I'm free at last

Watch the road
I am not done
cars still come
but I have won
slowing down
no need to run
I look behind
there is no one


It's really long, I know, but what do you think???
"Perfect happiness is only possible by the existance of perfect misery, perfect sorrow" ~Darcia

"Hey! I want to stand in front, creep!" ~InuYasha

Life is just a dream......




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I think it's great. You rhyme the entire way through, and somehow you manage to make it sound all very natural. Not only that, but you kept the same consistent flow. I really can't find anything to criticize...

A very good read.




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I really like it, too. The only thing I find that you MIGHT want to correct (You really don't have to, I just find it slightly different to the flow of it all) is the part "Watch the road
I am not done
cars still come
but I have won"

You could change "I am not done" to "I'm not done", and I think it would be better. Just my opinion, of course.[/quote]
People always complain about how life sucks, but they never kill themselves. Don't you wonder why? I do.




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Hai!! This was an awesome poem!! It flowed so well(except for the part that Drizzt mentioned). It's almost like a song....
YWS gives me carpal tunnel.

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Evil lurks everywhere, often in plain sight...Can you lurk in plain sight? Or is that just walking?




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wow...that is a nice poem...none of my poetry is as near as good as that!
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.




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I can't even write poetry. It might help if I actually tried....
YWS gives me carpal tunnel.

Need a Critique?

Evil lurks everywhere, often in plain sight...Can you lurk in plain sight? Or is that just walking?




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Great story. Keep up the good work!

-- M.B.Author
Listen to advice and except discipline so that you
may be wise for the rest of your life
-- Proverbs 19:20



The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star