Hm, it draws me in and I want to know who's talking; however, it's a little confusing since I have no idea what they're talking about. Still, for a first line, it's good. 10/10
"I watched with baited breath as the warrior advanced through the dark chamber, sword in his hand and shield upon his arm."
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people: psychopaths and mystery writers. I'm the kind that pays better. ~Rick Castle
8/10. I like it. I like what it implies, and the internal issues it shows. But, really, if the character is lamenting the fact that they're an addict, does it make sense that they see the word in everything around them? Maybe when they look in a mirror or something. I don't know. It'd have to be explored a bit more in the next paragraph for me to love it.
*
Adam Bristow was a pale, stick-like young man who was unfortunate enough to live in the apartment above Gadsbury’s Video Rental Store, which was actually not a video rental store at all, but a portal to the Underworld.
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
6.5/10 I wonder why this guy had been in his house for so long, but 'It was a sweltering August afternoon' doesn't really add anything to the rest of the sentence.
To make this sound even more dramatic, I would break it into more than one sentence, but...(:
She was lost, in a huge airport...but the worst part of it, was that she was blind.
Too melodramatic. "She was lost" is very blunt, and I'd prefer a little more subtlety. The ellipsis and "but the worst part of it was" is too cliche and OTT.
Being regularly humiliated from a very young age tends to do things to one's psyche.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir
Hm, I'd say about 7/10. I'd like to see more of what's going on, whether this is something that is not human speaking, or whether it's psychological. If it's not psychological, I would like to ask why it's always humans who are curious beings.
'I had a headache, which had nothing to do with the fact that I was on my sixth pint, Leo hadn't brought the shots yet, and I had spent four hours waiting in a strobe-lit bar.'
This guy is so evil you could put him in between two slices of bread and call him an evil sandwich.
I'd give it a 7. It's a little bit longer, but I do I do wonder why this person is getting completely wasted and why they've been in a bar for four hours waiting. All of the commas make it a little complicated though.
“Damon, how many times do I have to tell you that I just don’t need love,” Lily said.
Have you ever smelled sunshine? Have you tasted the color orange? I know how you can... post880303.html#p880303
This is a gift. It comes with a price. Who is lamb and who is the knife? -Florence and the Machine
"Daniel had no clue as to how he ended up in the middle of a burning forest, which caged him."
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” -John 11:25-26
"The carriage wheels churned through a puddle, splashing the already-soiled sides with even more mud."
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people: psychopaths and mystery writers. I'm the kind that pays better. ~Rick Castle
There's a mild element of curiosity, but as just one line this isn't enough. I'd be interested if the paragraph pulled something interesting (Ie- this line is best for a paragraph-long opening)
And, guys, my line was dialogue, lol. I just left it tagless. You don't need to put quotation marks around it all the time.
"I don't see why we should lose a daughter when guards can do a perfectly good job."
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo
Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
