Rate the first sentence above you

5/10. It's kinda intriguing, but it's vague and doesn't actually give any info or context. I think it's too gimmicky for me.

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Iari drew a shaky breath and checked the clock's pale readout on the wall behind the Emperor.

6/10. Or 7/10. Or Q/10. I'm having a hard time rating it, because I want to like it, it has potential, but at the same time, there's just too much information in one sentence. You have a lot of descriptors, and I think you need to cut the weakest (which I personally think is the clock's "pale readout", you can describe the clock later, just say he checked the clock now) and include that detail in another sentence.

If you do that (even if you think your weakest descriptor is something else), then you'll probably have condensed the information just the liiiittle bit more it needs to have some extra punch as a first line.

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Airplanes had never agreed with Audrey's stomach.

8/8 that line is gr8. I don't understand the h8 4 Audrey. She was a gr8 str8 feminist magistr8 on Twin Peaks.

Anyways, here's my first line:

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"Aight aight aight look, this chick was crazy into me, you feel? Like I was a brother with two birds instead of just one."

7.5... I have no idea what you mean. I would definitely read on, but... aight? What?I'm confused.

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He was standing on top of the monkey bars, staring off into the distance like an action hero.

-Grace

8/10, I think. Although to be honest, it's a bit tricky to rate. The image is good and it all flows pretty well, and it does spark a bit of curiosity, for me it doesn't have a first sentence-y vibe about it.

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I was stacking shelves for Antoine Fett when Dawn Augustus first strode into my life.

7/10. It's good, I think, but feels like it's a lot of information being dumped on the reader at once -- I think it's because of two full names being introduced at the same time, alongside the first-person narrator. You could probably cut "for Antoine Fett" and have the same or stronger effect, and would just have to go into a little more detail on Antoine Fett later.

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Death skulks behind every grain of sand in the Mississippi.

7/10. it's nice, and gives a nice sensation of fear, but i just don't really get 'death skulks behind every grain of sand', and i think 'death skulks everywhere' would feel better to me. But, that's just my opinion. I'm not gonna get much for mine (from my novel 'The Blade Chronicles Book 1:Blades and Humans'), but here goes:

I stood at the side of the entrance of a narrow alley, where it met the main road, looking at the Butcher's shop which was just opposite.

6/10 Not too bad, but it does feel a bit too wordy, and like there's too much going on. The actual content's not bad, but you could convey it in a way that's a bit less long-winded. For example, you could trim "at the side of the entrance" to "beside the entrance" , and I'd also look at the rest of the line to see what information is really necessary, and what you could cut out.

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Tempting fate had always been one of Dawn Augustus' favourite hobbies.

7/10
What's tempting fate?... And is that really a hobby? I'm a little bit confused.

Diamonds sparkled before her eyes and pearls hang on her neck, disguising the tears in her eyes.

7/10

I would rearrange this sentence a bit. You have: "Diamonds sparkled before her eyes and pearls hang on her neck, disguising the tears in her eyes."

I would change it to: "Pearls hung about her neck, and diamonds sparkled before her eyes, disguising the tears that slowly escaped."

Dramatically, though, this sentence is good. It immediately gets the reader asking, "Why is she sad? What happened to her?"



My sentence: "It was early summer, and the day had been oppressively humid."

I'm interested to hear your opinions on just this line, but just in case the information is useful, here is the rest of the first paragraph:

"It was early summer, and the day had been oppressively humid. Now, evening breezes swept through the streets of Agrabah, lifting the aroma of cooking meat in the marketplace, drifting over the sleeping heads of children, and guttering the lamp flames of studious scholars. The smooth, sweet scent of orange blossoms crept into the palace on playful zephyrs, meandering through the marble garden loggia into a chamber where Sultan Talal Sayegh hosted an evening of public discussion."

(yeah, it's fanfic)

@artemis28 -->http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/tempt+fate

I'm just going to comment on the opening sentence rather than the paragraph, fyi. It's kinda difficult to rate, because it's not a WOW-grab-your-attention-POW kind of opening line. It's still pretty solid though, and flows pretty decently. I did find that "oppressively" didn't really do it any favours, and felt a bit too clunky in there, but on the whole it all worked pretty decently. It doesn't grab you, but it doesn't feel like it's trying to - as a first sentence it's more like easing you into the story. So 8/10 I guess.

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I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd start a journal.

Pretty nice sentence. 9/10. You intrigue the reader, making them want to know what's in the journal and whatnot. However, I think it's not a REAL attention grabber. It's not as exciting as something like horror. But I like the idea, and it's interesting.

I bent over my desk, writing my assignment for history, when I heard a bump, startling me; there was no one else in the house...

Hmm... I'll say 8/10. I really like the way that it instantly gets you right into the story and how you bring tension and suspense from the very first line. It seems maybe a little wordy, though? Like maybe there's a little more description in this first line than is necessary.

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Ever since I was little, I've heard stories about lights that used to light up skylines, and planes which used to fly through the sky like a bird, taking people anywhere they wanted to go in the whole world...

5/10. Personally, I think it's too long, and it's wishy-washy. There's no strong description; what we hear is your standard stock analogies, and it's redundant ("lights that used to light up", especially).

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Babies, Mel thought, were rather nasty things.

7/10. This sentence describes perfectly Mel's character, and I'm left to wonder why she said that. The simple structure of it doesn't distract readers from getting the point it's trying to deliver. However, it isn't very strong as to set the tone or expectation of the story.

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In this world, you only needed to know one thing - the colour of your blood ruled your social status.