Following the Three Wise Men

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Trapped in corners of a desert night,
she feels a message on the wind
- whispers of a sinless boy
come to free her of her sins;
already she longed to flee the bones
of an endless, guarded life,
and would have settled for much less than
an angel’s shaking cry.

The journey begins, and the silent nomad
isn’t guided by a star;
but the wind weaves starlight through her hair,
whispering her name from afar.
Alone and unknown as a grain of sand,
She prods her flinty, pebble heart;
but liquid there dried up long ago -
she leaves a trail of ruby shards.

All she sees is infinite golden sand
against black-hearted desert plains;
forever pulled at the bleeding ankle
by manacles and callous fellow slaves.
All that blazes, and will ever blaze
is her fury and her pain –
she was one of the brightest ones,
but she couldn't brighten the Unnamed.

She goes to quench this terrible thirst -
to hear swaddling cloth tell her she wasn’t a mistake.
and He will hoist his star in the sky,
shedding light on her haggard face.
But buffeted in the dark by nicotine storms,
walking naked ‘cross needles and dust -
on the journey to that fabled stable,
she is utterly lost.




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I love how you integrated the modern with a biblical tale - that allusion makes it all the more universally powerful.

However, the first stanza does not rhyme, while the rest do.

More importantly, I'd like to list a couple of lines that break the rhythm:

by manacles and callous fellow slaves.

to hear swaddling cloth tell her she wasn’t a mistake.


All in all, I did like the ideal behind it, although I think it'd be better as a narrative poem than dramatic, although I see where you are coming from by choosing to place it here.
Carpe Diem.




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Welcome (rather belatedly, I admit) to YWS!

I agree with xanthan - there are a few places where you need to play with the rhythm (and the rhyming) to get it to work. Some of the longer lines have to be rushed, and if the first stanza rhymed the way the others do it would tie it together nicely. Other than that, however, this is an interesting and well-developed piece; I love the biblical allusions and the easy flow. I will look forward to reading some more of your work!

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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sopher, this is rather good stuff.

Your phrasing and imagery were great, but some of the lines sounded a bit worn, if you know what I mean. For example, "but the wind weaves starlight through her hair" sounds great but I'm sure I've heard it before. I'm not sure it should be in dramatic (maybe narrative, but don't go by me). Also I'm not sure whether you've put it in a modern context (the star's absence, and its later mention and the title of the poem still baffle me) or whether you're just telling an old story.

Like xanthan said, some of the lines broke the rhythm, though they were good. eg-

"All she sees is infinite golden sand"

Otherwise, it was an awesome possum poem. Very feminine, I'd say, (not feminist) but with a gracefully rugged tone (with they "flinty pebble heart" and "haggard face"). Great show! <stars>

Please keep posting and thanks for the read.

The Plant.
What syllable are you seeking,
Vocalissimus,
In the distances of sleep?
Speak it.
—Wallace Stevens, “To the Roaring Wind”




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Wooooooooooow.

You know. Only one thing wrong:

'whispers of a sinless boy

come to free her of her sins;'

Sinless, sins. Repetition, if intentional, doesn't work. Anyway, thats is literally the only thing I didn't like. It's rich, it's wondrous, but it's harsh, it's daunting.

And sad. We feel sorry for the woman.

Sorry it's so short, but it's all I could say without belittling it. <3
'We must break from this cycle! We must free ourselves from this captured legacy! And for that, we must embrace our end! In death lies freedom! - Evadrael
Ber Tataimel!



fun fact i hear my evil twin once wrote a story about a hacker who used the name fyshi33k bc there are 33k-ish species of fish and she liked phishing so fyshi-33k made sense but then she got super embarrassed when someone forced her to explain
— VyperShadow