The Messenger

I got the inspiration for this poem a few weeks ago and finally got to write it down. It turned out a bit different than I originated but I like where it ended up. Poetry is not my forte' but I do enjoy writing it every now and then. I hope you like it! And remember it's just a rough draft lol

The Messenger

Who's child is that?
She who runs with small legs of innocence
Through the crowd of eyes that overlook.
Her hand holds onto not another,
But she does not harbor fear.

Eyes of the sun,
Eyes of the Son.
Watching her movements so complete with mirth
Gazing at every giant that recognizes her invisibility.
They pass her by.

Who's child is that?
She who's face mirrors He whom I disowned.
The man, the Son, Jesus.
Her eyes like the warm earth,
So gentle, so warm

She extends her arms, suddenly aware of her desolation.
With each face of refection, desperation grows.
Her small voice doesn't catch an ear
My feet carry me closer, drawn to her angst.
No other eye pays a notice.

Stroking her curls, a softness unworldly,
I take her hand with calloused fingers.
She watches me, calming with my presence.
"Where are your parents?" I ask this girl so angelic.
The tears stem their flow.

"My Father wanted me to find you", is her reply.
"He misses you." I wonder at her words
Brow furrowed in concentrated perplexity, I blink,
And she is gone.
My fist still clenched, the warmth of her palm remains.

Vanished as a ghost, and not a person witnessed the escape.
Wonderment grips a tight told,
Disbelief rains in my soul.
And as I turn to leave, I force my mind on earthly things,
Once again shunning the Messenger.

I have to admit, this poem isn’t really my thing. That said, I think it’s fairly well written. A few things, though:

1. Some of your phrases are very awkwardly worded. For example: “her hand holds not onto another/But she does not harbor fear,” “Watching her movements so complete with mirth/Gazing at every giant that recognizes her invisibility.” You might want to work on smoothing these out, as they disrupt the flow of the poem and obscure what you’re trying to say.

2. Grammar and punctuation also need work. You have some problems with homonyms; “who’s” is a contraction of “who is” when you mean “whose.” “Rains” refers to, you know, the weather; I think, given the context, you mean “reigns.” I’m assuming “refection” is supposed to be “reflection” also.

3. Watch the references to eyes – I’m getting images of disembodied eyeballs crowding the little girl XD

Overall a nice enough piece. Just needs a bit of tidying up.

Cheers,
~bubbles

I think this is my favorite poem so far. No one I've seen has talked about God. Or they have but they have included His name, instead of leaving it up to the reader to think
into the poem a little. I really enjoyed this one. I think poetry could be your thing. And I
liked the phrase being a little askew, it made you have to think a bit.
-catfood

I really liked it--nice imagery, nice topic, good word choice. I think it's a really sweet idea. The poem captures the girl's innocence and child-likeness really well--keep it up and PM me if you post anything similar!

That was so great! I loved the details! The pictures you created were vivid and clear. And your punctuation was fantastic! I think. I'm not good with punctuation so yea. But the flow was weird in some places, it didn't roll off the tongue. But otherwise nice job!