The Day I Knew

I remember that day,
the breeze picked up,
blowing my hair across my face,
a hide away,
you saved me.
Brought me to the place,
so publicly hidden,
people passed by,
unaware,
we laughed,
I cried,
you listened.
I told you what he had done,
I watched the anger flare in your eyes,
though you said nothing.
That was the day,
the day I knew,
you were the one.
I couldn't voice it,
our friendship too strong,
so I kept quiet,
enjoying these last moments,
for summer was fading,
the leaves soon to be gray,
I watched your lips,
form words of comfort,
and then I knew.
That was the day I knew.

In general, I liked this poem – you took an extremely well-worn and cliché topic and made it personal and interesting.

A few things I think you could improve on, however.

Firstly, punctuation. You really don’t need a comma on the end of every line. Punctuation in poetry works exactly the same way it does in prose, so try not to put a comma in places you wouldn’t expect to find one in an ordinary sentence. That’s what line breaks are for – they give you the pause without requiring the punctuation.

Speaking of punctuation, I think you have a great first line but it would have a lot more punch if you ended with a full stop. Also, the switch from “the breeze picked up” to “a hide away” is too abrupt; where is the hide-away? How did we get there? What is its significance? Try to be clearer with this (also, it should be hyphenated or one word, I think ).

I have a similar problem with the transition between “we laughed/I cried.” At the very least, there needs to be a full stop there, but even them ultimately the narrative strikes me as very disjointed. What’s happening? Where? When? Why? Try to expand on this.

You might also want to cut down on the repetition of “I knew you were the one” until you get to the end (I like the end) to give it more punch.

Basically, you need to work on smoothing it out and making the scene changes less jumpy. And the punctuation, of course XD Otherwise, kudos on a nice piece.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hey! Peanut here! Lets review;

unaware,

we laughed,

I cried,

you listened.

If you are going to use the commas repeatedly like that, then at least add in that. Like so;

unaware,
that we laughed,
I cried,
you listened.

If you don't want to do that, then try this;

unaware.
We laughed,
I cried,
you listened.

Try one of those, at least so it isn't a comma splice. It runs on too long to be proper.

I couldn't voice it,
our friendship too strong,
so I kept quiet,
enjoying these last moments,
for summer was fading,
the leaves soon to be gray,
I watched your lips,
form words of comfort,
and then I knew.

Again, you run on too long. Try ending sentences earlier, like so;

I couldn't voice it,
our friendship too strong,
so I kept quiet,
enjoying the last moments.
For summer was fading,
the leaves soon to be gray,
I watched your lips,
form words of comfort;
and then I knew.

Do you see the little changes in there? There's more than the commas. Sorry for not pointing them out.

and then I knew.
That was the day I knew.

Don't repeat, just delete. Hey! That is a good saying... I might write that down! Anyway, don't repeat yourself. Delete the first line, because, personally, I like the second line much better. Plus, it seems to fit.
Also, I would try making these into actual stanzas. I won't go over all that, because I would practically be rewriting your poem! Although, you can make the changes yourself.

I liked this poem! Nice job... I loved where you said summer was ending... it told us what time it was without actually explaining it to us. Nice job!

Hello! I'm Colt!

Punctuation
You do not need to have punctuation at the end of every line, it gets quite distracting. Like how bubblewrapped started to say, it only belongs where it would in a normal sentence. So, simply write out your poem in sentence, not poetic form and put in punctuation where it belongs, then add the line breaks.

Stylistic Devices
This is the type of poem you want to catch their mind with a clever metaphor. You could use a simile and repetition too.

Stanzas
I advise breaking it into stanzas also, helps flow and gives the reader a long second to think about the previous stanza before moving on.

Otherwise, it was great!

Usually you hear nothing else but love when people write poetry, but it was very personal and not at all cliche. I liked it very much. I think you should write more poems. but see
what you can do with descriptive poems. "I watched the anger flare in your eyes" I liked
that especially. You need try story writing as well. I like how you put things; it draws th reader in.
-catfood