Truest Love

Truest Love

I love the way you look at me when I can't look at myself.
I seek the warmth inside your eyes, the warmth that knows me best.

I love the way you hold me when we lay in bed at night.
You block out all the darkness and force in all the light.

I love the way you kiss my neck, the way you peck my lips.
You send my mind in over-drive when you touch my fingertips.

I love the way you smile at me when I’m ranting on and on.
I know that there is no place else. It’s here, where I belong.

I love the way you talk to me and whisper out my name.
It calms me and relaxes me when I’ve seem too gone insane.

I love the way you love me. I love every thing that you do.
If I could tell you just one thing……I’m completely in love with you.

Hey there P!nk

First off, I'd like to Welcome you to YWS, though I'm sure you've been here for quite a while. I'm Angel of Death but you can call me Angel.

Okay, I thought this was really cute but I'd like to point out a few things to you.

I love the way you look at me when I can't look at myself.
I seek the warmth inside your eyes, the warmth that knows me best.

I'm assuming that in this poem you are using rhyming couplets. It is that or you just coupled lines that rhymed throughout the poem. These two lines that I have quoted are not rhyming and mess up the flow of the rest of the poem.

Hopefully, you know that when writing a poem, flow has nothing to do with rhyming. Flow is essentially about making sure your words click. In my opinion, the beautifulest poems don't rhyme, they speak for themselves.

I love the way you smile at me when I’m ranting on and on.
I know that there is no place else. It’s here, where I belong.

These two lines did not flow, for example. These are two separate examples and it would work best if you try to make it flow or just nix it.

I love the way you love me. I love every thing that you do.
If I could tell you just one thing……I’m completely in love with you.

Try:

I love the way you love me. I love every thing that you do.
If I could tell you just one thing, it would be that I love you

I think that flows better. One thing that I will tell you is, that if you want to rhyme in your poems make sure you have rhythm. It makes the poem bearable.

All in all I felt that was really cute. Good job.

If you have any questions or if you would like me to review another poem, please feel free to PM me.

~Angel

Welcome to YWS I think Angel covered most of the salient points, but there are a couple of things I’d like to point out as well.

Firstly, in your fifth stanza, your grammar gets rather confused – try “It calms me and relaxes me when life gets too insane” or something similar.

Secondly, you go off beat in a few places, so you might want to tidy it up a bit. A good way to check if your poem is sticking to the designated rhythm is to read it aloud and tap out the syllables on a desk or something with a pen; that way you can see where you go off track. Remember, if you’re going to write in couplets like this, as Angel said, try to make sure that each stanza rhymes properly and keeps time.

Otherwise, I just have some general things about showing vs. telling. You’ve probably heard it before, but it applies in poetry as much as to prose. This is a nice little poem, but the fact is you could probably find something similar in a greeting card in any country around the world. It’s not unique; it’s not personal. Next time, perhaps try to expand on a single concept instead of itemizing everything you love about this person – I suggest the first line “I love the way you look at me when I can’t look at myself.” There are so many unanswered questions – plus, the reader is not involved at all. This is what we sometimes call “navel-gazing” poetry because its full meaning is only accessible to the writer, and it is all about the poet; it doesn’t share.

Maybe next time you could try experimenting with some literary devices – metaphors, similes, analogies – to express how you, personally feel about this person (assuming, of course, it’s autobiographical). Play on the reader’s senses to get them to feel with you, rather than read your poem the way they would a shopping list of love.

If you need any help or want me to explain anything, feel free to PM me. Happy writing!

Cheers,
~bubbles