World Around Me

A World Around Me
Never far hither,
Nor the green shoots
In the rich soil.
Yet the rotting souls
and fragile limbs of death
are closer still.
Where does one go?
In such a world as mine
When the blinding gold heavens
Dry the tears of agony
Upon the gray roads.
And when foul decay
Buries you alive,
What is just for one to ponder
In a world so remorse?
Yet the soft fingers of an angel
Doth touch my heart so
and keep me living
All the while.

Welcome to YWS, White Shadow! *throws confetti* It's only a matter of time before you become completely and thoroughly addicted.

However, I must inform you that you are generally not allowed to post any of your own writing until you have reviewed at least two other peoples' work. It's the 2:1 ratio. For everything you post, you have to have reviewed two things.

That said, may I direct you to the Rules? They are in the upper left hand corner of your screen, under 'Help and Support'. Check them out, love. They are YWS's Commandments.

...wow, White Shadow! I was certainly not expecting something like this. I must say, this was a very good poem. You had a wonderful amount of imagery and description, but things didn't get so ambiguous that I couldn't understand what the heck you were talking about. And also, the somewhat antique language you used was quite effective also!

No, this was very nice indeed. The only problem I can find with this poem is the following:

Never far hither,
Nor the green shoots
In the rich soil.

So, I'm not quite sure what you mean to convey when you begin your poem like this. Normally, using a word such as 'nor' seems to indicate that something is being compared, but your comparison here is lopsided: There is the green shoots + ? = something that 'never far hither'. What is never far hither, besides the green shoots from the rich soil? You haven't told us.

Now, I shall confess ignorance on the very first line; I have no earthly idea what it means. Most of the language that you use here, even the older words, I can decipher because of context clues or just the way you've worded them. But here, starting with just this single line, I can't understand what it means. I know that, "Come hither" means, "Come here". But does this mean "Never far from here"? If so, then perhaps reqord it a bit simpler so that your readers aren't confused on the very first line.

Grand job, love, and I hope you enjoy yourself here on YWS! PM me if you need anything.

~Evi

OK, first of all, you need to make things clearer because I’m really not sure what you’re trying to say in that first bit there. Is “A World Around Me” part of the poem, or just the title? If the latter, try to separate it or put it in bold to make it distinct. If it’s part of the poem it makes more sense, but IMHO I think you should leave the old-fashioned language out of it for now – or at least make it more part of the poem. It seems odd to have mostly modern words with a few bits of Ye Olde English thrown in. Also, it does not help to clarify things for the reader.

Overall, I fell that you lost the point a bit. It really isn’t all that clear what you’re trying to say. I think perhaps this is because the poem was a bit cluttered – there was lots of imagery, but not much backbone. Next time, maybe you could try focusing on exploring a single idea or thought more thoroughly. Also, it felt a bit navel-gazing-ish to me – that is, the full meaning was only known to the writer. You need to try to involve the reader more – play on their senses, experiment with metaphors and similes, try to get them to feel with you rather than leave them on the sidelines as spectators.

Hope that helps.

Cheers,
~bubbles

I like the word variation and the expression, but it was a little hard to follow. All I was
able to decipher was that you are kind of barely holding on and that the cause of
that is that your surroundings aren't positive. But, I suppose only you know. Poetry
that's more personal is a little harder for others to understand. But, all criticism aside
I liked it, it made me want to cry.
-catfood

Hi there!

I thought that this poem had really good imagery, but I didn't get what you were trying to convey. I also have to agree with bubblewrapped about you 'losing the point.' You should at least focus on one idea and write about it, and at the same time, enhancing the poem with 'effects' like metaphors and imagery.

Don't give up, keep writing!

#FF4000 ">haha OK, so basically it doesn't make sense to anyone XP

'A World Around Me' is both the title AND part of the poem, and when I say the stuff at the beginning, 'A World Around Me, Never far hither, Nor the green shoots, in the rich soil'...etcetc I'm kind of saying...(how to explain this?!) the world around me is "never far hither" and neither are the green shoots in the rich soil.

Now, to be honest with all of you, I wrote this in 6th grade when I had no idea what the hell any of these words meant (and although I have a clearer view of them now, I have never bothered to look 'em up #FF4080 ">^///^ ). I just liked the sound of them and the feeling they gave the poem. So, I'm not surprised everything was a bit foggy at the start, but I hope that help clears it up some. I know I'm horrible at explaining myself/my writing, so sorry if it doesnt help at all, but I tried.

#FF4000 ">Thanks to all for reviewing my poem!^.* #FF4000 ">hearts n' kisses

K, I'm new to poetry. I don't know, this was a good. I liked it. Didn't love it but liked it. For one of your first posts, it is pretty good. Keep writing.