Untitled

I'm writing this poem now,
that it may drown out the sound,
the sound of silence creeping,
The bell that tolls at dawn.

I wait and watch the clock,
as the second hand stretches
out towards infinity.
But still I sit and wait.

Wherever did we go?
I could never answer.
When I don't really know,
what "We" were to begin with.

Neither father and son,
nor brothers, nor friends.
Both of us merely,
taken for granted.

But if the world stopped turning,
and if time stopped dead,
what of life would be left?
No eyes look to the future.

Perhaps that is the truth,
that life is defined by death.
So light is defined by shadow,
and warmth is defined by cold.

We never really know
what it is we've got.
Even after it's gone,
and we realize what we've lost.

Hey God! I'm Kat, and I will be your reviewer.
This is great! I really liked it. The theme is a bit overused, but you displayed it very well.

I'm writing this poem now,
that it may drown out the sound[s],[/s] .
The sound of silence creeping,
The bell that tolls at dawn.

Lovely beginning.

But still, I sit and wait.

But if the world stopped turning,
and if time stopped dead,
what of life would be left?
No eyes look to the future.

This was my favorite!

The end was great.

I'm sorry for my epic failure on a constructive review, but I see little that needs help with or correction. I hope someone will give you a more constructive review.

*Kat*
PM me if you need anything!

Hmm. There is a lot here that doesn’t need to be, I think, but some parts definitely have potential.

Firstly, I think your opening stanza is unnecessary and doesn’t add anything to the poem. You have a stronger opening if you ditch it and come in at the second verse, “I wait and watch the clock.” Instant attention-getter there.

Secondly, I don’t like the repetition at the end of that second verse, it detracts from the strong image at the beginning. You could probably drop this line altogether, or replace it with something else and move on just as easily.

The third and forth verses seem extraneous to me. Why are they there? What do they contribute to the poem? It feels like you’re writing as you think, and while that’s great as a starting point, thoughts by definition mean more to the thinker than to anyone who reads/hears them, so it might be wise to either explain/expand upon this a bit more, or drop it altogether. Unfortunately if you do that you’re left with the last three verses, which, though well put, are a little bland. I love the ending, don’t get me wrong, but I think the poem as a whole needs a little more life to it.

Overall, I think you really need to focus on honing your theme to one thing, rather than rambling all over the place, and perhaps play with your imagery and language a little to jazz it up. It really has the potential to be very interesting, but you need to work on exploiting the strengths and eschewing the weaknesses.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hi! June here!

So. I'm sorry for the uber long delay; I have plenty of excuses lined up if I need one, but, anyway, I'm finally getting around to reviewing something of yours.


The first thing I noticed about this poem is, as you go along, almost every stanza uses repetition. That's pretty neat; in some places it could be a little bit less frequent, but in the big picture, it didn't bother me at all. It added to the poem, instead of taking anything away like it might have in another type of poem.

Now! I'm definitely not going to go nitpicky here, dear, but, I want to point out a few places where sentence clarification could be used:

First stanza:

I'm writing this poem now,

that it may drown out the sound,

the sound of silence creeping,

It took me twice to read the second line here to grasp what you meant. I understand that in poetry, it's part of the poem to make your audience think... but this is a bit "off" of the thinking line, in a sense that it feels as if something is missing, dear.

I think that this second line here could use "so" at the beginning; while it would add another syllable to your poem and may disrupt the flow depending on how you're reading it, it would bring clarification for the audience .


Fifth stanza:

what of life would be left?

No eyes look to the future.

I think that the main reason that this posed confusion for me is because the abrupt change in tone.

While it carries the same solemn voice as the rest of the poem, this bold line is bringing about a slight hint of confusion.

I would say adding "to" after eyes, or adding "ing" to look could remedy this easily, dear. I think that this as it is, is a contradictory line, since people could always find an "eye" in something that will see the future. For instance, only our dead bodies will see the future. Am I confusing you?




Moving on;

I think that the main reason I enjoyed this is because, as bubblewrapped mentioned, you are writing this as you think. You're giving us a chance to have a piece of your mind, but at the same time, you're giving us something concretely abstract to think about.


I like the second stanza, in all of its oddness. I love how you mentioned the second hand stretching out towards infinity. It's gave this poem a new approach, seeing that a second hand is just winding in circles, not actually stretching out. I usually do not pick a favorite part of a poem, for the reason that it underminds the rest of the poem, which actually makes the enjoyable part of the poem as strong as it is-- but, that is my favorite part of this poem, dear.


Keep it up! I'm extremely sorry for the delay on this review, but wonderful read.

June

Hi! I'm Peanut. Lemme review this for you;

I wait and watch the clock,

as the second hand stretches

out towards infinity.

But still I sit and wait.

*sigh* ... I always tell almost everyone I review to "never start your lines/ stanzas/ sentences with 'and' or 'but'." Well, now I am telling that to you. There are plenty of other ways to start your lines. I would suggest changing yours to something like this;

I still sit and wait.

See? Simple change. You don't have to use that one imp articular, but please, please change that for me!

Wherever did we go?
I could never answer.
When I don't really know,
what "We" were to begin with.

Very confusing stanza. It interrupts the flow of the poem. Use a different word choice or word order even.

But if the world stopped turning,
and if time stopped dead,
what of life would be left?
No eyes look to the future.

There is the deadly 'but' again!

Perhaps that is the truth,
that life is defined by death.
So light is defined by shadow,
and warmth is defined by cold.

I'm rather quite fond of this stanza. I see much, much potential energy in it. Lets change that into kinetic energy, shall we? (Sorry, I'm learning about energy in science; it's rubbing off). Try using some synonyms for the word 'defined'. You repeat it. Repeatedly. Try putting more variation your word choice.

We never really know
what it is we've got.
Even after it's gone,
and we realize what we've lost.

Again, this is a bit confusing. Try making your message throughout the poem a little clearer... I only just get the gist of it. I don't know, it might be just me though! Sometimes, my brain fails me...

Anywho, I really like this poem! Like I said before about that stanza; I see much potential! Work on it a little. Now that you've got it written, give it some love and care and maybe even TLC, and take the time to clean it up a bit. A healthy poem is a happy poem!

Why, hello there. I'm Sunny!

God wrote:I'm writing this poem now,
that it may drown out the sound*
[s]the sound[/s] of silence creeping,
The bell that tolls at dawn.

* First of all, great opening stanza. Attention grabber, not to wordy. Anyway, this second line is worded funny to me. "That it may" seems stiff, and it doesn't make sense at first. I would change it to "to drown out the sound". And I delete the comma at the end of that line, because for some reason the extra "the sound" didn't seem necessary to the flow of the piece.

I wait and watch the clock,
as the second hand stretches
out towards infinity.
But still I sit and wait.

Wherever did we go?*
I could never answer.
When I don't really know,
what "We" were to begin with.

* The "wherever" doesn't seem to fit either. I think it would sound better simply as, "Where did we go?"

Neither father [s]and[/s] nor son,
nor brothers, nor friends.
Both of us merely,
taken for granted.

But if the world stopped turning,
and if time stopped dead,
what of life would be left?
No eyes look to the future.

This stanza sounded wonderful, except for the last line. It kind of popped out of nowhere. *shrug*

Perhaps that is the truth,
that life is defined by death.
So light is defined by shadow,
and warmth is defined by cold.

We never really know
what it is we've got.
Even after it's gone,
and we realize what we've lost.

OVERALL: great work! Gold star for you!

~Sunny