A San Fransiscan Fire Rag.

The city's burning, the city's burning, we're all still dancers without a hall.
The world keeps calling, the world keeps calling, but we're too damn loud to notice our own screams.

Put me out, keep me down, don't ever let me sleep I cant stand the sound of everything, yes everything coming down.
Kill me now, set me out, the smell will call all the strays in.

Penny for your thoughts, and a fortune for sympathy, isn't there anyone left who used to know me?
A shot today for immunity tomorrow, what doesn't kill us only makes us wonder... "What will?"

These, streets are bleeding for us, the revelers all caught fire with the busy, busy bars.
The officer on the corner just says move along, nothing to see then puts the crowd out of their misery.

Put me out, keep me down, don't ever let me sleep I cant stand the sound of everything, yes
everything coming down.
kill me now, set me out, the smell will call all the strays in.

The sun set long ago, with the moon cautuiously peering over the pillar of hellfire's smoke.
Satan's still laughing, dancing and romancing with the charred corpses still with a Glascow smile on their face.
The chorus cant stand it they're making their escape, pushing and shoving just to fall off of the stage.
We all get lit up with the slightest of ease and no one ever seems to be at peace,
just a group of drunks with overused lighters, is it any wonder who started these fires?

The city's burning and so are my eyes, the cabouret I walked into just wasnt filthy enough, throw on some leggings and nothing much else, please join the good people in tearing the neighborhood down.

We all love the smell of our own faults, our desperation makes a lovely sound.
Cradle the fire and love the embers, the ashes taste delicious to the damned.

Put me out, keep me down, don't ever let me sleep I cant stand the sound of everything, yes
everything coming down.
kill me now, set me out, the smell will call all the strays in.

I found what was left of you, under a mountain of debris, but my word the corpse I pulled off of you sure as hell wasnt me.
I wonder who was home?

There are some wonderful images in this, and the language was excellent - I particularly liked "just a group of drunks..." and "please join the good people in tearing the neighborhood down."

That said, I had a really hard time getting a bead on the rhythm. I'm not sure if that's just me - I don't have much experience with ragtime - or whether it's the fault of the poet (or maybe it just needs setting to music or something before I get the feel for it). That diminished my enjoyment of it quite a bit, unfortunately, as did the ragged line breaks. I'd love to see you tidy it up a bit, because I have the feeling there's a great poem hiding in there somewhere.

Cheers,
~bubbles

I'm with the bubblemeister on this one - I had real trouble getting ahold of the rhythm, and I am pretty familiar with ragtime. I think I can almost grasp the two things you're trying tp fuse together here, but I'd probably have to hear it. As beat poetry perhaps it could work better, but as a written medium it struggles along - there's something a little to personal in how you've constructed it for us to fully understand it.

On the plus side, you do put together some absolutely stunning images - your imagination and the way you play with imagery is definitely one of your strong points. I understand the desire to play with the technical tools in new ways, but I'd encourage you to at least take a look at using some of this language in a more traditional form, and seeing what you come up with.

Good luck! An excellent poem overall, I think, I look forward to seeing more.

Hi! Here as requested.


Well, as the above reviews noted, this piece gave wonderful imagery. I loved it from the start, and the first line was probably my favorite.


That said, I'd like you to know that you have a good way with words, you just need to work on connecting them to make poetry more. I didn't get the rhythm at all, and the stanzas' lengths seemed a bit random for me. If you revise that, I think this will be great!


So, although the rhythm and phrasings were a bit rough, you had some great things in there. Clean it up a bit, and you'll do fantastically!


Love,
Music

Hey Eric! Juniper here again!

So, this was pretty cool. Let's pick on stuff that needs to be corrected, and then we'll move on to my babbling. =P

Put me out, keep me down, don't ever let me sleep I cant stand the sound of everything, yes everything coming down.

Watch your contractions, dear. Cant here should be can't.

The sun set long ago, with the moon cautuiously peering over the pillar of hellfire's smoke.

Should be cautiously, monsieur.

The city's burning and so are my eyes, the cabouret I walked into just wasnt filthy enough, throw on some leggings and nothing much else, please join the good people in tearing the neighborhood down.

Dearie, shan't that be cabaret?

And, wasnt should be wasn't.

I found what was left of you, under a mountain of debris, but my word the corpse I pulled off of you sure as hell wasnt me.

I wonder who was home?

(little pick on the wasnt, again, dear)


That certainly is a brilliant way to close this poem, Eric. =P Kind of surprised me, in fact.


- - - - -


So, you kind of surprised me on this one. Not saying that my expectations were low or anything, but, this was definitely just wow.

Also! As most people before me said, you imagery is just absolutely wonderful. You create amazing images with words and as they also said, you should polish this. =) It will do this poem wonders, dear.

The rhythm you used here was pretty cool as well. It was rough, but that's awesome for this. As I said before, you have a really urban style to your writing... (it's very hard to explain what I mean by that, but! It's definitely more city-like than country-like, which is just awesome.).

Pretty sweet work here, dear. Keep it up.


Juniper