A poem about....him

Hi!! I can't think of a title for this..So if you have any suggestions that would be greatly appreciated!!

Elbows nudge past me,
In this vicious jungle,
I see his striped blue sweater,
Move in the crowd,
My heart falls,
Down to my shoes,
I feel light and dizzy,
As his eyes lock with mine,
A crooked smile,
Plays on his lips,
We meet to the side,
I tell him of the tour,
I was chosen for,
He jumps up and down,
Excitement fizzing in the air,
It hits me like,
A 3 ton bowling ball,
I am in,
The deepest pits,
Of love.

The_Gift_of_Difference wrote:Elbows nudge past me,
In this vicious jungle,Nice metaphor
I see his striped blue sweater,
Move in the crowd,
Maybe a transition here?My heart falls,
Down to my shoes,
I feel light and dizzy,
As his eyes lock with mine,
A crooked smile,
Plays on his lips,
We meet to the side,that was a little random and hard to understand maybe a better choicw of words or a few lines to transition
I tell him of the tour,
I was chosen for,
He jumps up and down,
Excitement fizzing in the air,
random again not as random as the last time thoughIt hits me like,
A 3 ton bowling ball,
I am in,
The deepest pits,
Of love.

(I'm not even going to try on punctuation)
It could use a little more similes and metaphors and the part in red definitely needs more description

The ending was what made this poem for me. The idea of “pits of love” was simultaneously funny and fitting. The rest of it, though, suffers not only for being cliché but also because your punctuation is all over the place.

A few general pointers when it comes to punctuation in poetry: firstly, you don’t need to capitalize every line, just the beginnings of proper nouns and sentences. Secondly, commas at the end of each line are also unnecessary. What is necessary is that you think about the rhythm of the piece when you punctuate. Full stops, commas and other punctuation marks can add to or subtract from the meaning and emphasis of the poem depending on how you use them, so choose wisely.

In general, though, I think the poem unfortunately came across as very shallow. I think the reason for this is the lack of literary devices and the repetition of externals about appearances. Things like school as a “jungle” and hearts “falling”, etc., are stock images that we use as shortcuts to symbolize certain emotions or pictures. While this is all very well at one level, I think if you’re aiming to convey a truly personal experience, and if you really want the reader to feel with you, you have to reach beyond the first tools that come to mind for a really honest way to express the emotion. That’s why I like the “pits of love” idea so much. The idea of love as a dark hole in the ground (among other things) has a lot of potential and contrasts with our usual images of love as light and so on.

If I were you, I’d try to run with that image and expand on it a bit more. The poem as it is now is OK (punctuation aside) but it could have been written by any one of a million people. We want to hear what it feels like for you, the poet, to be in those pits of love. And yes, the bowling ball image was quite good, but perhaps a little lighthearted for the tone you’re trying to convey.

Overall, it has potential. You clearly have a gift for writing an ending with an impact. I hope you’ll keep working on it

Cheers,
~bubbles

I really love this poem! It reminds me of how I felt when I passed my boyfriend in the hallway when we first started talking. I pretty much agree with the other reviews. This has a lot of potential to it, and its sweet too. I like the little details in the descriptions, like his crooked smile and the color of his sweater. Nice work!