Untitled prologue

Hey =] So I know that this is a very rough draft of a prologue and I had to write it down to stop myself from forgetting it. I'd just like to know your opinions really, if you'd be interested in reading if I continued it. So here it goes....I'd really appreciate your views and comments! xDudettex =]


Have you ever had a crush on a celebrity?

It could be for any reason. From their sparkling eyes, that make you sigh in contentment. To their charismatic charm that has you grinning madly at the TV screen whenever their face appears on it. The way that their hair shines, even in the winter; or that famed, contagious smile that never fails to fill your stomach with butterflies. That familiar star struck feeling overwhelms you, leaving you on a high.

Any one of those stupid little things, plus a thousand more, can make us fall head over heels in love with them. Not that we’d ever admit to buying every single magazine that they’re mentioned in. Or watching that utterly rubbish film they starred in. Or having a shrine in your bedroom dedicated to them.

So. What am I getting at?

Well, just like pretty much every other teen out there, this happened to me.

But unlike every other teenager, the feeling turned out to be mutual. Or at least it was.

My name is Sadie Frost and I’m not a celebrity stalker.

I have a celebrity stalker.


Thanks for reading!

Very interesting! I would like to read more. It's very short, so I don't have much to comment on, just the fact that I like the idea of having a celebrity stalker instead of stalking a celebrity. And you stated that bit very well! So kudos for that.

Keep writing!
-Zehra

Hey Dudette, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

It could be for any reason. From their sparkling eyes to their charismatic charm that has you grinning madly at the TV screen whenever their face appears on it.
The way that their hair shines even in the winter or that famous contagious smile that never fails to fill your stomach with butterflies.

I don't see the reason for your new paragraph.

Any one of those stupid little things can make us fall head over heels for them.

Any one of those plus another hundred thousand things, no?

No.

The 'no' is just a bit random, and ambiguous, because I'm unsure about what you're saying no to, to never having a crush or never admitting to it. Perhaps a question mark at the end might also be appropriate...

all other teen’s out there, this happened to me.

teens.

I have a celebrity stalker.

Brilliant hook.

Okay... To be honest, I don't have any specific issues...

II. OVERALL

It was pretty short, but interesting, and a good beginning. The hook at the end really got me. If you plan on posting more, let me know? Sounds like my type of story.

Hope I helped, drop me a line if you need anything!

-Stella x

The way that their hair shines even in the winter or that famous contagious smile that never fails to fill your stomach with butterflies.

‘The way that their hair shines, even in the winter; or that famous, contagious smile that never fails to fill your stomach with butterflies.’
I think that the sentence would be better with the extra punctuation. c:

over heels for them.

‘over heels in love with them’ would work better, I think?

mentioned in. Or watching

‘mentioned in; or to watching’.

in. Or having

‘in; or even to having’.

dedicated to their awesomeness.

I think that ‘their awesomeness’ sounds somewhat awkward – perhaps just ‘dedicated to them’ would work better?

I have a celebrity stalker.

Ahahaha! For such a short little piece (obviously due to it being a prologue; you can’t have, say, a six-page-long prologue), I really loved it – and I absolutely love the finishing line here. It made me laugh out loud when I read it. I do admit, though, that I was slightly surprised to see that your main character was female; to me, the voice seemed male? (Perhaps that was just an error in my mind, though, I don’t know.)

I really did enjoy reading this, and I would love to read more if and when you post it; if you’d drop me a PM when you have more up, I’d be glad to read and review? It’s up to you, I guess. x) But either way, I loved this – and keep up the good work.

that was a good Proluge and yea i want to hear/ read the rest of it. jus make sure that you make the 'celebrity stalker' do a whoole buncha crazy stuff. in ither words dont make it boring.

Hiya Dudette!

Have you ever had a crush on a celebrity?

Nice hook!

It could be for any reason. From their sparkling eyes to their charismatic charm that has you grinning madly at the TV screen whenever their face appears on it. The way that their hair shines even in the winter or that famous contagious smile that never fails to fill your stomach with butterflies.

Any one of those stupid little things, plus a thousand more, can make us fall head over heels for them. Not that we’d ever admit to buying every single magazine that they’re mentioned in. Or watching that utterly rubbish film they starred in. Or having a bedroom wall dedicated to their awesomeness.

Bolded bit- Those words rhyme. It gets a different flow going; I actually misread "contagious" the first time I looked this over.

Hmm, this is pretty good, but I feel like the element of "MC" is missing in here. What's the thing that attracts her?

I liked the denials though. Very real.

Well, just like pretty much all other teens out there, this happened to me.

I think "every other teen" sounds a bit better then "all other teens."

I have a celebrity stalker.

Chilling.

~

Do you have any idea how hard it was to critique this?!

Overall: Okay, I could barely find anything wrong with this. You could stand to use more I's in here and less "their"s. I find that would make it a little less repetitive and more MC focused. But, other then that...

I want you to write this!

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey

Hey Dudette

My, you do have an intriguing idea. All that remains is for you to make it into something great, because as much potential as this has, you don't want to ruin it.

Let's take a look at the prologue. You have successfully caught my attention, but I still seem to think that this will be just another one of those "teenage romance with my hero" thingamajigies. You will need to build a story around this. As it stands its an idea, but you need to separate it from all of the junk by actually building a story. Perhaps you could make her dislike him intently, but I don't think that would create the effect that will mindboggle your audience.

You'll need to create a whole bunch of external factors to influence the story. Think about what could go wrong. If for example, you just let them get together you've got no story. Perhaps create a family feud. Give your characters a tough time, and most importantly, don't show them as cliches.

With such a unique idea, you need to build a unique story.

Have a good one!

Hi Dudette! Jon here!

grinning madly at the TV screen whenever their face appears on it.

This is good, but, maybe you could add some more words in there. Like squeals, your eyes pop open, my fist curl in excitement. etc... (Just add it in the tense you were talking in.) I also think you should add more to this because it'll add to the effect of 'Starstruck' feelings.

Or having a bedroom wall dedicated to their awesomeness.

You like to use 'there', 'they're', and 'their' a lot, yes? Anyway, I think instead of this you could say something like, "Or having shrines dedicated to their life." Something like that, plus, 'shrines' sounds more official. I like it the way you had it. But if you use that word It'll really bring across how much a person can do for a famous person. A wall says you like them, a shrine says you adore everything about them.

Or at least it had been.

I think you should change out 'had been' with 'was'. I think I'd just sound better.


Overall: This is an interesting start. I would like to see what happens next. I thought this prologue was on the better side, it kept my attention. However, some things can be worked on or polished up.


Good Job,


---Jon---

Okay, just a quick one here - because of your quick prologue!

Okay... first of all, you have long sentences in the beginning... when you describe why you might have a celebrity crush - read over it - see what I mean. I'm not too sure ow you could break these up, perhaps you could have them separate paragraphs and expand on them, but make them shorter, smaller sentences.

"Have you ever had a crush on a celebrity?

It could be that you fell slave to their soft, inviting eyes, which draw you in like magnets to your heart. Their hypnotizing gaze has been many a downfall, but who could resist those gorgeous contacts?

And what about their striking pose? When they walk past the cameras every angle seems a gift from above, highlighting their good side from wherever then paparazzi stands.

etc... etc..."

I take it that this book is going to be told like a story - you seem to be telling it with strong personal; voice in there. I suppose because it's a prologue, most of them tend to be like that though...

One thing that I don't like about this is how you introduce your character - you just throw it out there that you're a celebrity. You could perhaps make it a bit more concealed, and then break the new in the first chapter.

Another thing is that you basically give away the whole plot... I'm pretty sure I know what might happen with the bait you have given us. Then again... you could make this entirely different and suspenseful, dramatic and entertaining. This would be good because although you don't read many books on celebrity crushes, they do seem to be everyday news - girls climbing buildings, chasing cars and stalking the famous person to their motel room. If you could make this different than what you hear on TV, then you could hit a gold mine - I suppose this would also be fun to read if you write it well - which I have no doubt that you will.

As for the reading more... yeah... I suppose I could read the first chapter and see what happens. In my opinion, you will have to make it dramatic and captivating to get the audience hooked - not just a movie shoot or something. Could you PM me, or place a request in my review for food thread when you post Chapter 1?

I'd read it. It took me a minute to understand the last line. That's just because my friends call me the stupid one because it takes me forever to understand things. But, now that I understand it, I'm really intrigued. You should definitely continue this. I'd read it! Good luck!

Hi.

This is really good, original (well, I think so anyway. ), and I'd love to read more. I'm just wondering - what's the inspiration behind it?

I like the story idea this has started, it's a whole nother point of view I do,'t think anyone has written yet.