The Doppleganger

Ever so gracefully she lands on the floor,

Computer surrounding and an open door,

She turns to see something impossible,

A memory from the past and stable,


Lara walks slowly to the window,

fearing the worst as she stoops so low,

For when she sees her face up close,

A striking appearance comes within her pose,


Those yellow eyes and light brown braids,

So alike Lara in many ways,

Her skin so pale a deathly white,

Lara apporaches her gun with her might,


She reaches for her gun holster,

To find it is not there,

She sees her gun placed on the side,

Quickly turning about legs apart wide,


Before she can reach her silver gun,

Alister walks out stumbling like he's won,

The dopple shoots him just like that,

Lara screams and turns like a cat,


But the dopple is faster and Lara can't shoot her,

Lara moves her arms to aim where she were,

But no she isn't, the dopple is fast,

The dopple kicks lara unaware of the blast,


The manor is on fire and Lara is laid flat,

The dopple sprints out just like a cat,

Lara quickly gets up to run to Alister,

He squirming body how she must run faster,


She feels the stab of pain in her heart,

As Alister tells her he'll be in the art,

The art of the old Avalon,

Where her mother is waiting feeling it's a con,


That her daughter won't come,

And abandon her corpse,

Too hard it is for Lara as Alisters body stops squirming,

Her head stoops low in disappointment,


The dopple has won,

That doppleganger is no fun,

Lara will kill her one strong day,

But that is after Natla will pay.


I hope you like that poem! It took me ages to write, her is the scene I was explaining!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bT_krospLZ4

I included a few changes with the gun part as you see. hope you like it!

Interesting. I've never read a poem based on a video game before.

I'd just note, there is some awkward wording in the poem. For example

Ever so gracefully she lands on the floor,

Computer surrounding and an open door,

I assume you mean the person watching through the computer screen. But if I didn't have background, this line would completely bewilder me.

Or

Lara apporaches her gun with her might,

I'm not sure what this one means exactly.

Someone gave me good advice on these forums, don't sacrifice the poem for the rhyme, good poetry comes first, then good rhyming.

Hope this was helpful,

Ryan

An interesting idea, and you’ve certainly put a lot of effort into this poem. I think you need to do some work to improve it, however.

Firstly, watch your rhyming. Much of this feels very forced – you’re warping grammar, stretching sentences and chopping and changing images unnecessarily in order to fit the rhyme (and a lot of it doesn’t make sense as a result). With rhyming poems it is very important to make sense and keep a good flow with your rhyming, because the reader can tell when you’re struggling and it really detracts from the poem. Remember, free verse is always an option – if you find yourself fighting to get your ideas to fit the framework, dump the framework. Seriously. It’s not worth the agony XD

Secondly, punctuation. With poetry, in general, you punctuate the same way you would in prose. That means that you don’t need commas at the end of every line, nor do you need capital letters at the beginning of every line (although some programmes do that automatically, so it’s not that big an issue). You also need to remember to have full stops! As it is, the reader is going to be completely out of breath by the time they finish reading your poem.

You seem to carry off the rhythm pretty well, though there are a few places where it changes slightly that you might want to tidy up. With this sort of poem it’s important to keep time properly, because things become awkward if you don’t – try counting out the syllables to see where you’re going wrong.

Overall, as a poem it didn’t really do much for me, although I think you succeeded in describing the scene fairly well. Next time, try experimenting with some tactile images – taste, touch, smell, etc. – and literary devices (like similes and metaphors) to get the reader more involved in the poem.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hey, iCarlyfan!

Firstly, this was an awesomely put story (why is it in dramatic, and not in Narrative?) I don't care if it's from a video game or not. You do have an eye for poetry so please keep going at it. I really liked the whole scene, the concept and the way you used the typical words used in narratives (typical, mind you, not predictable- that's a good thing). The rhyming did work here, but as is common hereabouts, it was sometimes forced.

"She feels the stab of pain in her heart,



As Alister tells her he'll be in the art,



The art of the old Avalon,



Where her mother is waiting feeling it's a con,"

Case in point- I think you put art just because it rhymes with heart and you put con because it rhymes with Avalon. Old Avalon sounds random here, but it must be a part of the story for all I know.

"with her might"

"one strong day"

"from the past and stable"

The above are some examples where I thought you had some very odd word usage. Get clear what exactly you want to tell the reader in the story. Every word must have a tactical, practical or aesthetic need in the poem. Intuition is good, but it can be odd for someone who knows nothing about the game. You're missing apostrophes and stuff here and there, but it's up to you what you want to do with the poem. It's good that you did actually work on it. Keep it up- keep writing and thanks for the read.

The Plant.

Palantalid wrote:
"She feels the stab of pain in her heart,



As Alister tells her he'll be in the art,



The art of the old Avalon,



Where her mother is waiting feeling it's a con,"

Case in point- I think you put art just because it rhymes with heart and you put con because it rhymes with Avalon. Old Avalon sounds random here, but it must be a part of the story for all I know.

"with her might"

"one strong day"

"from the past and stable"

The above are some examples where I thought you had some very odd word usage. Get clear what exactly you want to tell the reader in the story. Every word must have a tactical, practical or aesthetic need in the poem. Intuition is good, but it can be odd for someone who knows nothing about the game. You're missing apostrophes and stuff here and there, but it's up to you what you want to do with the poem. It's good that you did actually work on it. Keep it up- keep writing and thanks for the read.

The Plant.

Meh, if you played the game you'd know the story, and that is the story, Avalon is in the game, alister mentions, if you watch the cut scene it is very similar.