continuation of 'random part of a story'

Hey, thanks for everyone who commented on the first part Personally I don't really like this part.
It on a paragraph of the one before which I re wrote.
(For anyone who did not read part one... at the beginning, Maeve is in the form of a mouse.)
Here it is:

Safety was getting closer, and her hope began to soar. Maeve started to scan the different hiding places available and how much protection they would offer. Suddenly, the breath was completely knocked out of her tiny lungs as a huge paw grabbed her from out of a nearby bush. The hand held on tightly, restricting her breathing. Claustrophobia began building up in her and she tried struggling out of the creature’s hands. It’s grip loosened on her, but still held on too tightly for her to make an escape. She morphed back into her human form, and was suddenly able to see the creature properly – Lentiel in his werewolf form. She spotted the long scar stretching diagonally from under his left eye to his chin. The scar she had given him. She smiled smugly for a moment as she remembered the look of shock Lentiel had carried on his face when she had marked it. The smile left as soon as she saw Lentiel glaring at her.
“Remember this, do you shrimp?” he growled, holding Maeve with one hand and pointing at the scar with the other.
“You deserved it.” She retorted, kicking him in the stomach. He responded by grabbing her left leg and holding her upside down in mid-air. Blood rushed to her head, making her dizzy.
“Really? Would you like an identical one?” he snarled, putting his clawed hand under her left eye.
“I hope you aren’t actually thinking of harming our guest?” Aurelian muttered from behind her. Lentiel frowned, disappointment clear in his eyes.
“Never would I think of hurting her,” he murmured, and let go of her leg, dropping her onto the floor.
“Oops” he added as she glared up at him from her resting place on the grass. Maeve looked away, wondering if there was any chance that she could escape again and get back to school. It could not be more than a few miles away. If she changed into something with wings she could try an aerial escape. There weren’t many clouds in the small bit of sky she could see. It would also be easier to hide high up in the trees, where there was more cover. All she had to do was reach the school gates and Aurelian would not dare chase her any further.
“Don’t even think of trying to escape again.” Aurelian murmured, she looked up to see he was now casually sitting on a large rock to her right. “You leave, and your friends will pay for it.”
Maeve grew pale. Panic completely paralysing her for a second. Surely it was impossible for him to get to them. As long as they stayed behind the school gates, they were completely safe. Unless…
“They’re probably out looking for you right now. That black haired one probably left first, in his werewolf form he would easily be able to pick up your scent and follow it.” He added, seemingly reading her mind.
Maeve gasped, turning completely white. Of course her friends wouldn’t have just let her leave. They would have come out looking for her as soon as they realised she was gone. It wouldn’t have been easy to get past security, but definitely not impossible. She could see it clearly in her mind. They would have tricked the guard’s by forging a note saying they were on an urgent mission outside of school. All they would have needed was the signature of the headmaster. Not that hard to get if you knew where to go.
“Y-you w-wouldn’t,” she stammered, slowly getting up from the ground and turning to face him.
“You’re right, I wouldn’t. Lentiel here, on the other hand might think otherwise.” As he said this, an evil smile lit up Lentiel’s face. He gave out a disturbing laugh; somewhere in between a snigger and a howl, showing his jaws and pronounced canines. It took most of Maeve’s willpower to not just go over to where Aurelian stood and strangle him, but he had found it. One of her biggest weaknesses… Her friends. He basically held her in the palm of his hand, and he knew it. She had to make a decision. Risk her friend’s lives and try to escape, or remain Aurelian’s prisoner, and save them. Tears welled up in her eyes. She couldn’t let them get hurt. This was between her and Aurelian, they did not need to get involved unless absolutely necessary.
“I give in. You got me.” Was all she said. She had made it so easy for him to blackmail him, made it so easy for her friends to follow her. Aurelian snapped his fingers and she felt herself being caught up in the werewolf’s iron grip again.
“Lemme go! I said I give in!” she yelled, pushing away from her captor as much as she possibly could. Once again, her claustrophobia reared it’s ugly head again and she began finding it hard to breathe. No escape… That’s all she could think.
“Even though I know you care for your friends, I believe your desire to escape may overcome that.” Aurelian said, tilting his head to one side. “I can’t take that risk.”
He brought something small and black out of one of his pockets. Maeve shook in Lentiel’s arms as she realised he was holding a trapper. That small black collar was the cause of many sleepless nights.
“I take it you’re familiar with this little… device?” Aurelian asked, seeing the look of horror on her face. Terrified, she struggled in Lentiel’s grip more and more.
With that, he put the collar around Maeve’s neck. She immediately felt the painful sensation spreading down her, she shivered, and tried to pull away, but it was of no use, for it was already clamped around her neck. She felt lost without her ability to change, it was like a part of her had been ripped out. Tears formed in her eyes. Feeling a sudden tug at her neck, she looked up to see Lentiel was trying to attach what looked like a dog lead onto the collar. She pulled away, not wanting to feel even more trapped than she already was. No way of escape…
“Gotcha.” Lentiel jeered from the other end of the lead, pulling her towards him. When she was right next to him, he bent down to her level. Putting himself so close to her, that she could smell rotting meat on his breath.
“Wait till the boss is not here. Just wait. I’ll give you a real scar to remember me by.” He threatened, and straightened back up.

Hi I read the first part of your story but forgot to review the revised one sorry! Anyway, I like where you are going with this! You have some very interesting ideas

The smile left as soon as she saw Lentiel glaring at her.

'The smile left' could be reworded to sound a bit better I think, instead of just 'left' you could say something about it sliding off her face or withering beneath Lentiel's glare.

he snarled, putting his clawed hand under her left eye.

I think pressing/resting might work better than putting here as it adds more to the imagery

he murmured, and let go of her leg, dropping her onto the floor.
“Oops” he added as she glared up at him from her resting place on the grass.

I'd add a sentence in-between these two about how it felt on impact, like some sort of thud sounding and her spine jolting, that way it will make clearer how it hurt her.

Maeve grew pale.

'Maeve paled' might work better here, I'm not that keen on using 'grew' as it kind of implies to me a gradual thing whereas I thin it would be quite quick.

Maeve gasped, turning completely white.

When you say that she grew pale, I already kind of thought of her as completely white. Maybe you could add 'slightly' after/before pale (or paled depending on whether you changed the sentence ) so that it is clearer that she is not completely white until here. Or you could change it around a little, (I'm not that keen on saying 'turning completely white' here sorry) maybe saying something like 'what little trace of colour that was left fled from her cheeks.' By doing this you wouldn't really need the slightly as it kind of makes clearer what is going on

somewhere in between a snigger and a howl, showing his jaws and pronounced canines.

I'm not sure about 'showing his jaws'- if you are talking about the inside of his mouth I'd make that clearer as you can see the outside of your jaws just by looking at someones face. Maybe commenting more on his teeth (glinting, sharp, that kind of thing) would replace the saying about the jaws, either that or saying something about something else that is inside his mouth and I can't really think of anything that would be that effective to describe (tongue doesn't really invoke fear lol)

It took most of Maeve’s willpower to not just go over to where Aurelian stood and strangle him, but he had found it. One of her biggest weaknesses… Her friends.

'but he had found it' made no sense to me until I read the next sentence and it was still a little confusing. I'd maybe leave it out and instead add an extra bit on the beginning of the second sentence about having found her one true weakness.

She had made it so easy for him to blackmail him

I think the 'him' on the end should be 'her'.

Aurelian snapped his fingers and she felt herself being caught up in the werewolf’s iron grip again.

I'm not sure about saying 'she felt herself being caught up', it kind of makes the process sound quite slow to me. Instead I'd maybe just say about 'she felt the iron grip of the werewolf again'. Or something like that.

Once again, her claustrophobia reared it’s ugly head again

I'd get rid of the second 'again' here as you have already said it

No escape… That’s all she could think.

I think this sentence might sound better without 'That's all she could think.' To end it before this might be more effective as its already clear its her thoughts.

Maeve shook in Lentiel’s arms as she realised he was holding a trapper.

It sounds here like Lentiel is holding the trapper but I think its Aurelian, maybe if you replaced 'he was holding' with 'Aurelian was holding' it would make it clearer.

Terrified, she struggled in Lentiel’s grip more and more.
With that, he put the collar around Maeve’s neck.

Same thing here, I'd replace 'he put the collar' with 'Aurelian put the collar'. I'm not that fond of 'put' here either, I think you could use a better word like 'slid' or describe the action more, maybe he roughly held it against her neck or perhaps it was a smooth motion?

for it was already clamped around her neck. She felt lost without her ability to change, it was like a part of her had been ripped out.

As you have just said 'neck' and use it again shortly after here, I'd maybe just say 'clamped shut' as we already know where it is anyway.
I'd maybe add something more here, you say she feels lost without her ability to change- but would she be trying to change at that very moment? Otherwise how would she really know any different? You make it sound as if she feels a sudden difference, I'd maybe describe this feeling. Perhaps adding in a sentence on how it felt like a part of her had been closed off or a numb tingling at the back of her mind or something like that.

Putting himself so close to her, that she could smell rotting meat on his breath.

I'm not that keen on using 'Putting' here, maybe you could say something like 'leaning in so close to her'.

Overall: I really like how this is developing, I love the idea of the collar! I think you have managed to show Lentiel as a really threatening guy and Aurelian as even more creepy character here too, great job!

I think you could add in more when she gives in, how does she sound? Does her heart sink? That kind of thing as there is not much emotion described when she finally says that she does give in. I think you have described how Lentiel looks really well, but more on Aurelian's expressions and stance might work well here. I think he seems to more scary out of the two in that he is silent but sinister I'd like to know more on how she feels towards him perhaps.

At the end when Lentiel threatens Maeve, I would have thought That Aurelian would have been able to hear him and so would not be too pleased. So I'd either say something about him whispering really quietly but still threateningly or bending close to her ear, or you could talk about Aurelian having moved off a little, perhaps wanting them to follow so he is out of ear shot. Or maybe both

Well this was really good, all my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you want, I'm looking forward to reading more and hope I've helped! *star*

Hello, I'm here to review *cheers*
But I'm not going to be doing nit-picks this time *gasps*
Instead, I'm going to be concentrating on the more in-depth aspects of your writing and I will attempt (I don't get out much ) to sniff out any clichés I find!
Ready? Here. We. Go.

Suddenly, the breath was completely knocked out of her tiny lungs as a huge paw grabbed her from out of a nearby bush. The hand held on tightly, restricting her breathing. Claustrophobia began building up in her and she tried struggling out of the creature’s hands. It’s grip loosened on her, but still held on too tightly for her to make an escape. She morphed back into her human form, and was suddenly able to see the creature properly – Lentiel in his werewolf form.

Okay... So I lied about not doing nit-picks In this excerpt, you say "paw", but then you switch to "hand". Lentiel is in his werewolf form, so you should probably stay constant with your descriptions. At least replace "hand" with "grasp" or something along those lines. "It's" should be "Its".
Wait.... She.... Morphed.... But.... He's still holding her... Like she were still the size of a mouse...? I am confused XD

She spotted the long scar stretching diagonally from under his left eye to his chin. The scar she had given him. She smiled smugly for a moment as she remembered the look of shock Lentiel had carried on his face when she had marked it. The smile left as soon as she saw Lentiel glaring at her.
“Remember this, do you shrimp?” he growled, holding Maeve with one hand and pointing at the scar with the other.

Okay, much about the scar isn't necessary. Believe in your readers. Don't fall into the trap of over explaining these things like many authors do (like in Eragon and Twilight, to name two). Since I am assuming that this a book written for young adults, we could probably get the idea that she gave him the scar simply with something like this: "She spotted the long scar stretching diagonally from under his left eye to his chin and smiled smugly. Her smile left as soon as she saw Lentiel glaring at her.
"'Remember this, do you shrimp?' he growled, holding Mauve with one hand and pointing at the scar with the other."
This is just a suggestion, but I suggest you take it

“Really? Would you like an identical one?” he snarled, putting his clawed hand under her left eye.

This is an opportune time to add something about how Maeve feels or how the claws felt against her skin.

“Never would I think of hurting her,” he murmured, and let go of her leg, dropping her onto the floor.

Hmm... I don't really picture him talking like this, though I'm not sure because he's your character Maybe something along the lines of "'I would never think of hurting her,'" would better fit his personality because of the word-order.
Also... Floor? Aren't they still in the woods/forest? You should probably do "ground" or "forest floor".

“Oops” he added as she glared up at him from her resting place on the grass.

If I were her, I'd be doing a whole lot more than glaring up at him from my "resting place" Also, "resting place" doesn't really fit the mood. Maybe replace it with something different?

Of course her friends wouldn’t have just let her leave. They would have come out looking for her as soon as they realised she was gone. It wouldn’t have been easy to get past security, but definitely not impossible. She could see it clearly in her mind. They would have tricked the guard’s by forging a note saying they were on an urgent mission outside of school. All they would have needed was the signature of the headmaster. Not that hard to get if you knew where to go.

This isn't necessary. All we really need to understand that her friends are coming is her turning white and doing what she does after this quote and what Aurelian said before. (suggestion)

“You’re right, I wouldn’t. Lentiel here, on the other hand might think otherwise.”

I think that the leader saying this kind of thing is rather clichéd, which is a real shame The reason why people used it so much is because it's a good line!

It took most of Maeve’s willpower to not just go over to where Aurelian stood and strangle him,

Do it, Maeve! Do it! Nobody's stopping you!!
Oh... Back to the story

...but he had found it. One of her biggest weaknesses… Her friends. He basically held her in the palm of his hand, and he knew it. She had to make a decision. Risk her friend’s lives and try to escape, or remain Aurelian’s prisoner, and save them.

This is a rather cliché (just like saying something is cliché ) statement to say that their one major weakness is their friends and they have to make a descision whether to save them and give into the enemy or flee and have them die. In my opinion, this isn't necessary. All you really need is "It took most of Maeve’s willpower to not just go over to where Aurelian stood and strangle him." Like she could "Tears welled up in her eyes. She couldn’t let them get hurt."

This was between her and Aurelian, they did not need to get involved unless absolutely necessary.

See above.

“I give in. You got me.” Was all she said. She had made it so easy for him to blackmail him, made it so easy for her friends to follow her.

The period after "me" should probably be a comma. The comma after "him" (shouldn't it be "her"...?) should either be a semicolon or have a bonysaf after it (and, but, or, nor, or, so, yet) because right now it is a fused sentence.

Once again, her claustrophobia reared it’s ugly head again and she began finding it hard to breathe.

NO!! "reared it's ugly head" does not exist!!! It's a myth!!! NOO!!!!

No escape…

Italicize thoughts.

“Even though I know you care for your friends, I believe your desire to escape may overcome that.”

No duh

Maeve shook in Lentiel’s arms as she realised he was holding a trapper. That small black collar was the cause of many sleepless nights.

We understand what is going on by what happens later. I suggest you replace this with something along the lines of "Maeve shook in Lentiel's arms as she realized what he was holding." The second sentence can either be in or just taken out.

She immediately felt the painful sensation spreading down her, she shivered, and tried to pull away, but it was of no use, for it was already clamped around her neck. She felt lost without her ability to change, it was like a part of her had been ripped out.

What kind of sensation was it? Burning? Ripping? Cold?
Also, I'm not too fond of the last sentence... I feel as though you could tell us that she couldn't change in a less info-dumpy way. Your a writer, you can do ANYTHING!!!

Putting himself so close to her, that she could smell rotting meat on his breath.

The comma between "her" and "that" isn't necessary.

“Wait till the boss is not here. Just wait. I’ll give you a real scar to remember me by.” He threatened, and straightened back up.

Maybe you should replace this as well...


Whew! That's done! Before you slap me over the head and force me to sit in the corner with a dunce cap and a soap bar in my mouth, just realize that I only go this in-depth into people's stories if I really enjoyed reading it, which I did! I'm just kind of insane and notice all these things

I really REALLY like this story. Sometimes I read one of these stories that just... I don't know... Give me this strange feeling of excitement This is definitely one of those stories. I LOVE it, but I just feel like you need to remember to try and avoid using clichés and avoid mini info-dumps. Have faith in your readers! If you give them credit, they'll definitely give your story the credit it deserves.

-Lydia <3