First Shakespearean Sonnet Attempt - No Title Yet

I think about how much time I have spent
in sunlit shadow rooms, thinking well of you.
Did I really live days buzzed on your scent?
Flavour of worthlessness- please kill me now.

Excuse me, but did I fall in love with scum?
When I met you, you were an early bird.
A dream painter too... it morphed you
A confession- Crank is not just a word.

It is a paradox; of a hundred
million kisses, landscapes, seeped scars-
Such illusions I think on now and dread...
I'd much rather sit reading under stars.

So I'll say once today and tomorrow;
Gladly, I'll kiss you, but taste no sorrow.

We just learned about these types of sonnets. The teacher told us we can write one to challenge ourselves (level 4 students). She said she wouldnt be picky with the syllables considering its our first time. I'd love some help with this. I don't think you might be clear on what I'm trying to say here in this piece so I edited it a little bit. Basically, what I am talking about is a boy I knew who introduced me to Crank; we were both addicted. At first, we were both creators- I was a writer, he was a painter. And then it all just went downhill went we met the monster. I referred to her as "she" so I don't think so of you got that point (other reviewers). I understand how I confused you. I also agree the thrid quatrain was terrible! Gah, but I was frustrated. Anyways, here's SOME revision.
Thanks.

Hello tennis princess! Nice to meet you! Now onto your poem. Here's just some comments I've written. In bold.

in sunlit shadow rooms, thinking well of you.
Did I really live days buzzed on your scent?
Flavour of worthlessness- filth street Crank too

This really should be four lines. And I think that the word "crank" seems a bit blunt.

Even if it destroyed my entire path
I know what it is to breathe inanimate,
and since you don't directly feel my wrath-
I'll have to weed out the pesky culprit.

This stanza sounded a bit awkward. Try making yourself clearer.

---

This was an interesting poem. I think though, you could do everyone a favour by do trying hard to do the 10 syllable pattern. That was the main point of Shakespeare's format. This poem really couldn't be considered a Shakespeare sonnet. Without the correct format, it really doesn't flow properly.

Also, adding that one line to the first stanza would be great. In a Shakespeare sonnet, there should be two quatrains and one couplet. One would have to stretch far to consider this one.

The entire thing really, seemed a bit awkward and choppy. Sonnets are supposed to flow and connect. I've seen quite a few.

Overall, I would reform this entire thing. The concept is quite unclear. Also, you've completely disregarded Shakespeare's entire sonnet format. I am absolutely certain that this could not really be considered a sonnet.

I know I'm being quite opinionated and blunt, and for that, I'm sorry. But this poem really does need work.

And I'm Just Wondering~ What did your teacher say?

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
Forever Threnody

Tell you the truth, I really love your style but I felt like this poem rambled... just about everywhere. Sometimes you would say something about a crank boyfriend, then something about him not feeling any sorrow, then something about another woman who transforms your boyfriend... it's complicated and, I feel, not for a good reason.

I actually wrote a sonnet in 8th grade too, two years ago, and I feel like it's extremely similar to yours... just about different subjects. It definitely rambled, and it was about some random plot story that I made up as I was writing the sonnet so that all the words would fit with the vowels and everything. Well, it didn't work out apparently, and I don't think it would work out for you.

"Breath inanimate"
Gah. Sometimes it's nice to verb an adjective, like "I farted blue," but I don't think "breathe inanimate" mix well together.

That stanza, as an example, simply talked about nothing. Every line was some random, made-up expression or idea, which on their own, could be much better-developed. However, at their current unorganized cacophany, they're not too good.

I can relate to sonnets. I had the greatest teacher in sixth grade who helped us create a whole book of poetry. This year and last year all we did was "analyze" and write essays.
Anyways, I've done a few sonnets. And I vaguely remember how they go.
I love, love this line

So I'll say once today and tomorrow;

Gladly, I'll kiss you, but taste no sorrow.

I enjoyed this poem knowing beforehand it was an English assignment. However, I felt like I had ADD; I was going every which-way while reading the poem. The ending, however, was perfect, so I'll ignore the fact that the rest of your poem had chronic schizophrenia. Or it could just be me, I'm running on the high you get from no food and little sleep for days and days.
I loved most of your wording,

Excuse me, but did I fall in love with scum?
When I met you, you were an early bird. I love it!
A dream painter too... then she transformed
A confession- Crank is not just a word.


I just yearned for a little more fluency.

Hello there!

First off kudos to you for trying something new and
giving it your best effort. To be honest I felt like I was
going from here to there and everywhere while reading
this poem. I don't know how to put it...The sonnet needs
to be more connected; there are to many ideas being put
together that don't really go. At some points it was rather confusing.
I'd get into it and then go into a "huh?" state of mind.
Needs more flow

-laydra

This is a great first effort, although you do have an extra syllable or two here and there. I love your use of imagery - "sunlit shadow rooms" in particular - and "not just a word/it is a paradox" was awesome. I would have liked to see this explored a little more - your ideas seem a bit disjointed, and the reader is left with not much idea of what is actually happening or how the poet feels about it. A bit more of an effort to include the reader and a little more coherence would make this an excellent poem.

Cheers,
~bubbles