The Sweet Affairs of Lambs and Lions

What is a day like today, which I feel so much undefined desire for?

The air smells like sunshine--so sweet and warm. I’m drinking up long rays of light, tossed into my lungs and there's static my sinuses.

I crave the smell of chlorine in bright water, with last year’s dead leaves floating on top, so that when I surface from the depths, one may rest on my head like a humorous cap.

The trees tickle the sky’s soft blue underbelly with their new buds like fingertips. It must giggle, sending the clouds dashing from the touch, into the horizon. They cuddle the sun every few minutes, allowing the soft breeze to caress my skin, letting me taste a bit of the future.

Evenings take on another light, with the help of slower sunsets and fireflies. We catch them in jars with air holes in the cap and take them inside, using the fairies like lanterns. They are the excitement that keeps small children’s eyes wide. The humid night, with the stars pressing in, proceeds into late hours. They wake early, when the dew may still moisten their tiny feet and the grass makes the soft flesh itch, and release the bugs, unto the damp morning.

These the days of yesterday, today, tomorrow—three days and many years alike.

What is a day like today, which I feel so much love for, but only for how it was?

Talking_Pinata wrote:What is a day like today, which I feel so much undefined desire for?

I'm struggling with this opening line. I'm not sure if I like it or not. It's slightly confusing the way it's worded.

Talking_Pinata wrote:The air smells like sunshine and I’m drinking up long rays of light, tossed into my lungs and static in my sinuses.

What does sunshine smell like?
Kind of odd descriptors here 'static in my sinuses'...I've never heard that one before

Talking_Pinata wrote:I grin and spit out the strangely delicious water.

Wait...the MC is in water? I pictured a nice pretty green meadow

Talking_Pinata wrote:The trees tickle the sky’s soft blue underbelly with their new buds like fingertips. It must giggle, sending the clouds dashing from the touch, into the horizon. They cuddle the sun every few minutes, allowing the soft breeze to caress my skin, letting me taste a bit of the future.

I liked this paragraph. I liked the descriptions you made and the way you wrote it.

Talking_Pinata wrote:Evenings take on another light, with the help of slower sunsets and fireflies. We catch them in jars with air holes in the cap and take them inside, using the fairies like lanterns; excitement to keep small children’s eyes wide as the humid night, with the stars pressing in, proceeds into late hours. We wake early, when the dew may still moisten our tiny feet and the grass makes the soft flesh itch, and release the bugs unto the damp morning.

This is a really long sentence. My advice would be to break it up at the semi-colon and re-word the second sentence.
Before the semi-colon: the fireflies change into fairies. I realize you probably did this as a descriptor but it could be confusing to the reader.
After the semi-colon: I would just re-word all of this. It doesn't read very well.


It was a good piece. You did a good job of describing but I think you could go further. Make me feel lost in the scene. Make me feel as if I'm there breathing in the air right along with the narrator. You have the potential to be able to do that!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need anything!

-Carly

Hey! This was really nice and well written. My only grammar complaint is that you tend to use long sentences like...

I crave the smell of chlorine in bright water, with last year’s dead leaves floating on top, so that when I surface from the depths, one may rest on my head like a humorous cap.

This could be separated into a few separate sentences. Like... I crave the smell of chlorine in bright water with last year's dead leaves floating on top. So when I surface from the depths one may rest on my head like a humorous cap.

Other then a few other run-on sentences this is a very nice piece. Keep it up!

Thank you for the reviews already! I've edited it some, although I'm still thinking on how I want to say the first sentence, if I'm going to change it.

Thank you!

I still need reviews, I apologize for the single bump.

Hi! I'm Music.

I really liked the description here! Great job. I could picture it perfectly.

One nit-pick:

These are the days of yesterday, today, tomorrow—three days and many years alike.

Maybe I'm just reading it wrong since I don't think anyone else commented on that, but yep. Haha.

You did have a few run-ons, but with a few corrections and a bit more work, it could be a wonderful piece! I enjoyed it. That counts for something, right? Haha.

Anyway, great job! Keep it up; you have wonderful potential and a way with words, as long as you don't get too wordy. That didn't come out exactly right, but I hope you catch my drift!

Love,
Music.

Hey Talking_Pinata! It's been awhile since I've seen your stuff. ^_^
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What is a day like today, which I feel so much undefined desire for?

Aw, this is such a nice sentence. I suggest perhaps considering a "that I feel so much undefined desire for", though this isn't a pressing issue, and I just thought it read slightly more clearly that way,

The air smells like sunshine--so sweet and warm. I’m drinking up long rays of light, tossed into my lungs and there's static my sinuses.

Static *in* my sinuses. This typo doesn't seem to have been there before, looking at other people's reviews. Did you chance the sentence, and forget that?

The trees tickle the sky’s soft blue underbelly with their new buds like fingertips. It must giggle, sending the clouds dashing from the touch, into the horizon.

Looking back, I see you're talking about the sky, but I don't think the sentence is simple enough for you to say "It" -- make reference to the sky.

They cuddle the sun every few minutes, allowing the soft breeze to caress my skin, letting me taste a bit of the future.

Though the previous imagery is delightful, I don't find "cuddle" a very intriguing word in this context -- it sounds more awkward and out of place.

These the days of yesterday, today, tomorrow—three days and many years alike.

I think you need "are" in there to help it read better: "These are the days of yesterday".

What is a day like today, which I feel so much love for, but only for how it was

This is a strange sentence, since you're saying you love the present day, but only for how it was? What do you mean by "how it was" when it's just happened? Clarify with a little more description please.
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Prose! Short and sweet, though I can think you can express more of a point at the end with slightly more descriptive language. A short piece though, so I don't have much else to say, except that some of your descriptions were very unique and lovely.

PM me if you have any questions.

~ Clo