teeth in the sky

there are too many teeth in the sky
and when tears collect in its large blue eye
it knows there is no backing out: it must cry
though silence! what a pleasure! to be able to
feel the nothingness that could really be anything but nothingness.

its skin is so cut and torn that you know it knows
more than anyone of us, more than it ever shows
it runs like rushing water, bleeds blood that flows
out of its veins into purple darkness, pink light
liquid rainbows pour into the unused space around us.

caked blood on dirty, mottled walls
gets cleaned each day and to the floor it falls
shimmering, the light dressing it in new colours, it crawls
to its shadowy corner to gather once again
o silence! be flesh once more! cling to me.
written: Sunday 21st March 2004, 11:27am

Interesting, definitely a lot of vivid imagery in this one. I cant say I liked it as much as I did your previous work, but that could just be because the rhyme scheme strikes me as detracting from the overall picture.

there are too many teeth in the sky
and when tears collect in its large blue eye
it knows there is no backing out: it must cry
though silence! what a pleasure! to be able to
feel the nothingness that could really be anything but nothingness.

This is just my personal opinion, but while the imagery is really striking and I quite like it, I'm not sure that the rhyme in the first three lines flows very well, at least in this verse. The third line seems disjointed and the fifth line is a bit long - although I like the concept of nothing that isnt nothing, or whatever. Could perhaps use a bit of trimming.

its skin is so cut and torn that you know it knows
more than anyone of us, more than it ever shows
it runs like rushing water, bleeds blood that flows
out of its veins into purple darkness, pink light
liquid rainbows pour into the unused space around us.

Now this verse I like. No, actually, I love it. Its powerful, its confusing (ever so slightly, so that you have to reread it a couple of times until you fully appreciate what its saying) and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Although I just have to point out that I think "anyone" should read "any one".

caked blood on dirty, mottled walls
gets cleaned each day and to the floor it falls
shimmering, the light dressing it in new colours, it crawls
to its shadowy corner to gather once again
o silence! be flesh once more! cling to me.

Again, the rhyme scheme is a little off-putting in this verse. I like the image in the last two lines, but I think you should dispense with one of the "once" parts and exchange it for another word...just my bias against repetition of words, though.

Kudos, its a great poem. You really have a talent for creating pictures out of words. Well done.

I really love your opening image. I think the first three lines of your opening stanza are magical, but the last two lines don't really work for me, they seem clumsy compared to the rest of the stanza and don't really fit. That of course is just my opinion.

wow...I don't know what to say...I love the style! *god that sounded awful*

why does everyone seem to have an animal avator except for me? hm, who knows.
anyway, at first, i didn't really understand the poem until the end of the first stanza. 'teeth in the sky'...hm...very interesting way of putting it. :considers plagiarism: (consider this a compliment )

I loved it in a nut shell.

There is nothing more to say.

It was my perfect idea for a poem, and I think you have done justice with it.

I think the use of enjambment in the first stanza is used very creatively and adds a whole new level to the piece.

liquid rainbows pour into the unused space around us.

That is excellent imagery and my favourite part to the poem

Well done.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666