the saviour

As a pure white feather is fluttering down from the sky it passes a young man. No older than 16 sitting on the edge of a 20 storie building he watches as the feather slowly flutters down to the crowds of people below. He thinks to himself “why...? Why am I like this? What am I…? An abomination or… or something else?” Just then a watch beeped. Then he let out a long moan of grief and picked up his bag thinking to himself “Why am I like this…? Am I the only one?” Just then he ran to the edge of the roof, Screaming “WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY!!!!!!!” Then he jumped over the edge of the building still screaming then half way through his fall he stopped falling. A burst of pure white erupted all around him. Then as the feathers slowly fluttered down a large burst of wind erupted and then large white wings emerged from the feathers and the young man shot outwards and upwards the wings were his. As he flew back up to the roof he moaned and said “ugh now I have to go back to school.” Then he flew off at a blistering speed. And as he was flying over the city he heard a sound pierce through the air like a sword through and enemies flesh. The scream was a girl crying for help on the other side of the town. He just stopped and contemplated what he should do…on the one hand if he saves the girl she will be unharmed…that was the only reason he needed. He heard her again with his super enhanced hearing. Then he looked in that direction and saw her with his super sight but he still couldn’t make out the face, but he did see her being mugged then in the blink of an eye he was on the roof above the ally way where she was being mugged. He instantly recognized her face…he could never mistake those big blue eyes it was a girl from his home room. Suddenly thoughts raced through his head… “What if she recognizes me…? What should I do? Maybe I should just let this run its course…?” This boy had never in his life thought like that just then a poster flew and hit him in the face. It was a poster for the Halloween costume bash. Just then he had a brilliant idea... So then he reached into his back pack and pulled out a Halloween mask and said “It will have to do...for now.” Then he looked down and saw tears flowing from her big blue eyes and her crying out for help. Then his expression changed from in shock to furious. Then he took flight and zoomed around to the entrance of the ally way and yelled “LET GO OF HER!!!” then he whipped past her and punched the man in his face as the girl watched with her big blue eyes, and then when the man tried to stab him with a knife he grabbed his arm and broke it then well the man was screaming in pain he ripped a ladder of a fire escape and bent it around the robber and hung him from a fire escape then flew over to the girl and asked “are you okay?” she replied in shock “yes..?Umm what are you?” “Are you an angel?” He paused and replied “I’m no angel…I’m the Saviour” Then she said “thank you for saving me” Then he flew off in the blink of an eye smiling. Then with one mighty flap of his wings he was gone out of sight and the girl only said one thing after seeing that “the…Saviour?” And the boy already miles away thought to himself “The Saviour? I like it!” Then he slowly glided down into a bush and then a large burst of wind swept past him as his wings vanished and then there were two large holes in his shirt where his wings were. The boy walked over to an oak tree and opened up a hidden trunk in the tree and pulled out some spare shirts, a jacket with a cell phone, and iPod Nano in the right pocket. And then he pulls a 12 speed bike out of the bush beside the tree. Then he picks up a spare and started to change into it then BANG! A bullet zoomed past his face. He jumped in a bush and tried and to move as little as possible and as quiet as possible and then he heard a man yelling “you won’t get away from me this time angel boy. I saw you fly in here.” Just then his cell phone rang; he panicked and heard another gunshot and ducked and heard it ricochet off an oak tree, He then had a brilliant idea he jumped over to a full grown oak tree and ripped it out of the ground and threw it far…the impact brought up a cloud of dust. Then in an explosion of pure white feathers he bursted out of the bush towards the man, all the man saw was the boy flying at him. The boy grabbed the man’s gun from him and flew up into a tree and pulled the Halloween mask out of his back pocket and put it on then he said quietly “time to see if the saviour was a flock.” Then he dove down towards the old man and dropped the shot gun in front of the man the barrel was tied in a knot then he flew back up to the tree and then he saw a reddish black glow coming through the dust. Then out of nowhere the man jumped up to the boy. Which must have been a twenty foot lead upwards, and the man punched the boy in the face and knocking him towards the ground. As the boy was falling he flapped his wings out and slowed his fall to a stop then he looked up and saw the old man again. But this time he got a better look at him and saw his eyes were black as coal and the only colour in them were a small pure red ocular in the middle of his eyes. Then as the man dove towards the boy he realised that the man was not himself. So the boy drove upwards with one mighty flap of his wings and punched him in the face knocking out the man and as he did that a small creature flew out of the man. Then the boy hung the old man from the tree and flew back over to the still ringing cell phone. Then in a burst of wind his wings slowly retracted into his back. Then a tattoo appeared on his back, the tattoo was a feather pattern covering his entire back. Then he picked up the phone and answered it to a screaming voice and began to finish putting his shirt on well removing his mask. On the phone he heard “MATT WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?!” Matt answered “Taylor I’m on my way just calm down man” Taylor replied “whenever you say that it DOES NOT MAKE ME CALM!... ok but hurry up man I have to go I see Aaron.” Then Matt hung up the phone and grabbed the bike, the jacket, and the iPod and the cell. Then he hopped on his bike and peddled like a mad man to make up for lost time. About ten minutes after Matt started biking he was almost at the high school. Then as he rode to the top of the last hill he saw two of his best friends. There were sitting under the old oak tree in front of the school which had always inspired the three friends. He saw Aaron sitting under the tree doodling as always, and Taylor listening to his iPod as always. Then as Matt was about to ride down the hill he saw a girl standing on the train tracks across the street from the school. Then Matt heard a scream and saw a train coming and then he took a closer look with his super sight and saw her leg stuck under a track and her struggling to get it out. So Matt kicked his bike into the highest gear and bolted down the hill towards the girl as she cried for help. People began to gather across the street in front of the school and watch helplessly as they were unable to do anything. As Matt began to get closer and closer so did the train the tension grew and grew as Matt and the train grew closer to the girl. Then Wham the people across the street watched Matt's bike getting dragged away by the train. But Matt had saved the girl people watched as they layed beside the tracks and Matt frowned as his bike was being dragged away. Matt had made it just in time to save the girl by tackling her and knocking her onto the other side of the track. They also watched as Matt’s favourite bike was dragged away. He took a look at the girl and it was the same one he had already saved today. He stood up and asked her if she was ok. She just nodded in a blank stare still in shock. Matt saw people starting to gather so he panicked got up and jogged across the road to Aaron and Taylor. Matt said to them “Hey guys…come on I’m here now let’s get going to the editing room” Taylor replied “Ok sure man.” Matt turned around and saw the group of heading towards him. Matt had never been one to enjoy attention even the positive kind…this is probably because he only ever got the negative kind. From a young age Matt was mocked by his peers, which made him feel completely isolated. Until he made his first and only friends ever. Aaron Millard and Taylor Sanderson. The met in grade nine when each of them were in detention. Aaron had been sleeping in class, Taylor had his music on in class for the fifth time in three days, and Matt was just hiding from two bullies. They didn’t even look at each other…until the two bullies found Matt! They were beating Matt up as Aaron and Taylor watched in horror that this boy had to tolerate this. Aaron and Taylor looked at each other and stood up and punched the bullies in their faces knocking them on their asses. Matt was sitting there in astonishment that was the first time any person had ever defended him it made him feel joy for the first time since he was a child. So since that day Matt has only felt safe when he was with his pals. That is why he was panicking to evade the crowd. Matt still in a panic tried to rush off with his friends said in a panic “Come on guys let’s GO!” Aaron got up and asked “why are you in such a hurry all of a sudden Matt?” Please hurry guys I just want to finish the project.” Aaron and Taylor through their stuff in their backpacks thinking that was a good enough reason even though they knew that wasn’t the true reason. Matt wasn’t being completely honest with them because he didn’t feel the need to tell his best friends about such a trivial fear. The crowd grew ever closer then Taylor said “Ok lets bounce dudes” Then the three of them took off Matt was running and Aaron was running effortlessly to keep up, and Taylor was putting his full effort and barley keeping up. As Matt turned the corner into the school he glanced back and saw the crowd and he took off into the school. Then as the ran down the three arrived at the editing room and saw the teacher Mr.Phan and the boys walked in and said were here to work Tom. Aaron, Matt, and Taylor were the only three who were allowed to call Mr.Phan by his first name. Mr.Phan replied “ok boys, just be quiet cause theirs someone using the editing room right now.” The boys said ok…but all they heard was “go in.” So Mr.Phan locked the door and walked away. The three boys walked to the table and layed there stuff out on the table. Then a pile of comic books fell out of his Aaron’s backpack. Aaron loved his comic books and his friends didn’t really care if it was cool or not because it was something he liked. He would always go on rants about superheroes, villains, and powers, or anything in general about comics. But his friends didn’t care because he liked it so whenever he started to rant they would listen attentively. So when these books fell out of his back pack Matt and Taylor felt the need to ask “What issues do you have there?” Then Aarons face lit up and said “They newest one my cousin just sent it to me from his job” Taylors cousin worked at a comic store. “It’s the “outcast” issue were a bunch of heroes unite to fight crime…but here's the cool part there all 16, and they all got there powers in an explosion except for their leader who has had his powers since birth and now he’s leading them. As their team leader…Cool huh?” “Sure I guess” said Matt. So then Aaron threw a drawing book on the table and said “But anyways this is the cover art I have for the movie, disk thinger” Then Taylor said “Ok and here…” he paused as he searched his backpack for something… “AH!” he pulled out a CD and said “As I was saying…and here is the CD I have the perfect audio tracks on it” He gave matt a big grin and said “Now all we have to do is get Mr. Editing genius to edit it.” Matt said “Ok man I get the hint” Then as Matt went to sit down in front of the table he collapsed for a few seconds Aaron and Taylor jumped to help Matt up as he got up dizzily. Then he passed out again with his eyes barely open all he saw was a Black glow coming from behind the editing room and Matt watched as the glow in gulped every inch of the room. Then all of a sudden Matt heard “Wake up Matthew Holleé wake up it is time for you to answer your call of destiny” Matt opened his eyes in shock because no one not even his teacher has used is full name at once since he was 6. He opened his eyes and looked around for something familiar then he looked down and saw he was floating. Then when he continued to look around he saw Aaron and Taylor floating next to him as well as a girl…Then his attention was drawn back to hearing his full name he continued to search and then he heard “Be calm now Matthew you are in a safe place now…I am Alice a spirit goddess” Matt’s muscles tensed up as he asked “What?!” Alice spoke again “A spirit goddess Matthew I was a queen during the holy war…Alice the empathetic I was called…Have your mortal parents not told you of this yet?” In a furious voice Aaron said “His parents are dead! If you’re a goddess like you say you are you would know that. Alice replied in a displeased voice “Taylor Sanderson” then Matt looked at him and he could have sworn that it looked like Taylor was being gripped tightly by a hand. “What place have you to speak to me?!” Alice said. Then Matt angrily yelled “Alice if you are empathetic then you would know that he felt empathy for me losing my parents and you questioning if they have…Taught me?” Alice replied but “Matthew…your parents live you are an angel the people you thought were your parents were guardians who died protecting you when you were six.” “What?!” Matt questioned. Alice replied “Those two were destined to protect you from Lucifer’s minions and they did, but anyways we must hurry who are the sacred five you choose?” “What?” matt said. Alice replied “I had hoped I wouldn’t have to do this” “do what?” Matt replied worriedly “I don’t have the means, or the time to train you for the war” “War?!” Matt screamed. “Alas I must give you the spirit ring” suddenly a necklace with a halo pendant on the chain appeared. Alice said “Matthew when you wear this necklace you will learn how to use your abilities…at least your abilities up to your current skill level”. Matt grabbed the necklace and put it on then he froze and Aaron, Taylor and the girl watched him closely. Then Matt’s eyes grew white the pupil disappeared the girl yelled “What are you doing to him?!” Aaron broke his attention on Matt and saw the girl who he hadn’t noticed yet. Just then Alice spoke “all will be fine in time right now he is just …training.” Then suddenly a hazel coloured halo the size of a pupil appeared in each of his eyes. Then in a blast of feathers launching Aaron, Taylor, and the girl back meters. Then his wings appeared on his back and he started to glow white and then three stones appeared in front of them all and they floated over to the other three and in a flash they appeared on their wrists on a silver bracelet. Then Alice spoke and said “Allison Bryce…” Allison’s attention had not been drawn off Matt till she heard her name called. “This stone will give you the power to fight in the holy war…your stones will give each of you the power to do so.” Then Aaron asked “You mean like superheroes?” Taylor gave him a look and said “Really not the time man” Alice said “Heroes or villains…that choice is up to you.” Aaron said “Awesome!” Just then Matt let out a moan as his wings retracted and his eyes returned to normal. Then in a flash they had all returned to the editing room. Then on the announcements they heard “Code red lockdown code red lockdown” Then there was a bunch of static and they heard “This is Lucas Allan’s speaking and I regret to inform you that I am now holding your school hostage with my heavily armed gang…so if you all just stay in you class rooms none of you will have to die thank you for your co-operation in this matter” Then Matt threw the Halo Necklace down on the table and said “Here hold onto this and when I get back I’ll explain everything” Aaron said “Matt you’re not doing what I think you’re doing.” Matt said “ Listen at this point I’m the only one who can use my powers and I’m also the only one who knows what they are so that’s that” Matt put on his mask and stepped out the door and in the explosion of feathers he was gone in a flash and as soon as he left the necklace began to glow. Matt arrived at the last hallway before the main hall where that Lucas guy was and he saw a poster for the medieval showcase where they had tons of medieval artifacts and he thought nothing of it. Back at the editing room the three gathered around the necklace as it glows then ominously they heard Alice’s voice again she said “Now I will tell you all what Matthew knows. Aaron Millard your crystal is the crystal of Jonathan a warrior of the south in the Holy War. Jonathan developed many super abilities and you will be able to use them Aaron Millard”. and in a flash his eyes glowed gray and then he closed them and they stopped glowing. Then Alice spoke again saying “The same goes for you Taylor and Allison. Taylor you will inherit Louis abilities a warrior of the west. And Allison you will inherit Jessica’s abilities a warrior of the east.” The Taylor’s eyes began to glow red and Allison’s began to glow silver. Then they blinked and all their eyes returned to normal and Alice spoke one last time “You know what you have to do…correct?” They nodded “Then go save Matthew” Then they were all out the door and gone.

sorry its so long and please dont be too rough its my first real story ive published

This was very hard for me to read. I would suggest reading up on grammar, punctuation (especially around dialogue!) and where to start new paragraphs. I could go through the whole thing for you, but that would take me a very long time. Take a look at one of your favorite books--is the whole thing written in one long paragraph? No! New paragraphs are started all the time.

I was so distracted by the format and the punctuation errors that I couldn't really read this--just look at the articles posted on YWS.

-Cassie