A Forbidden Love: Chapter One

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Chapter 1

"Sam? Yoo-hoo, earth to Samantha. Are you even listening to me? Of course you're not, you never listen," Alex mumbled. "I love you and now I am going to kiss you."

"Hmm? Oh that's great. Good for you, Alex." I replied sleepily. It had been a long night. I don't think I could have cared less about what he was saying.

"What? See, you weren't listening!" He threw up his hands in exasperation. "Do you even know what I just said? For God's sake, Sam. I could have said I like the taste of vampire blood."

"Ew! What the hell is wrong with you?! Seriously, that is just sick! Gross!" I grimaced and stared at him. I mean- EW! Did he realize just disturbing that was? Just the thought of it made me want to gag. The blood of a vampire was absolutly the grossest thing out there. It was beyond sickening sweet and had a copper like taste to it. Alex had to be crazy to have just said that.

"Huh? Ew! No! Do you have any idea what that would mean? Sam, listen to me for once, please. We are worried about you. Look at yourself. You are covered in dirt and your clothes are bloodstained. Don't keep doing this." Alex pleaded for not the first time. It had become a daily thing with him. I'd come home and almost immediately get lectured by him, or Hunter, or, if I was lucky, my mother would come say something. You'd think by now that they would realize I just didn't care.

"It's not my blood." I wiped some dirt from my arm and smiled. There was one less leech in the world.

"So? You know what? I'll just let Hunter talk some sense into you. I don't want my best friend to get herself killed."

"No, please, Alex! I don't want to talk with Hunter right now." Or ever, I added silently.

"He is worried sick about you! He might be a little obsessed with you, but Hunter is a good guy. Just give him a chance." His face softened as he attempted to place a hand on my shoulder.

"I know he is but... I don't have to explain anything to you. Excuse me." I pushed my way past him and stormed down the dimly lit hallway to my room.

I know Hunter is a good guy. He is a great guy, but I don't like him that way, not anymore at least. And no one knows how hard it is to stay in the same room as him for any length of time. It wasn't even because of him either, it was me.

He reminded me so much of Neil it was painful to be around him. They did not look alike. Hunter has blonde hair and green-ish blue eyes, while Neil had deep green eyes and dark brown hair just like me. No, it was how he acted.

Hunter is nice and sweet. He liked to listen to me talk and always had the right things to say. He was sincere, charming, cute, funny, loving, and caring. He was everything that made the perfect boyfriend… or in my case fiancée.

I shuttered.

It's funny how when I was younger I would do anything to hang out with Neil so I could be around Hunter. I had the biggest crush on my brother's best friend. But now that Uncle Phil has forced me into an arranged marriage with him I can't stand to be in the same room as him. And it wasn't that I hated him or anything like that, but somehow he became just like my brother and I could never see him as anything more than a friend.

The wounds were still so fresh. Neil had been dead only a few months. And, yet, already I had to marry just so I could claim my spot as pack leader. A position I did not want.

I didn’t want the fame or so called glory. I didn’t want to lead everyone I loved to their deaths in this war. I wasn’t cut out for talking to large groups. And I definitely didn’t want to have to interact with the vampires. They could all burn in hell for what they have done.

I sighed and shut the door.

Quickly I took a shower, put on some clean clothes, brushed my hair, and left the bathroom only to stare at the figure sitting on the edge of my bed. Damn it!

"I hope you don't mind, I let myself in while you were in the shower," he said rising to his feet and walking towards me.

"No, of course not," I answered. In fact did mind, a lot.

"Sam, I know you are not thrilled with this whole marriage thing. I know things have been hard on you, they have been hard on me too but we need to talk. I don't want to take the leadership from you but I will be there to help you when ever you may need me," Hunter said while gently laying a hand on my arm. I had the urge to pull away but forced myself to stay still.

"Okay," I whispered. I really wanted him to leave now.

"I know you don't like me, Samantha."

I opened my mouth to protest.

"Shh, don't say anything. I know it is weird that I was Neil's best friend and that I am three, almost four years older than you. I, however, think I am in love with you."

I shifted my weight and once again attempted to speak. "Hunter, I--"

"Let me finish. I don't want you to get hurt, so please stop this vampire hunting thing you are doing."

I just looked at him. What should I say? When hell freezes over? No I couldn't do that. "I don't dislike you, Hunter," I finally managed.

"Sam, please stop this. Leave the hunting to the guards and the hunters. It is not safe and what would happen if one got you and there was no one around?"

"They wouldn't get the chance," I said through clenched teeth.

"What if one did? I will not lose you."

I should have been flattered that he was trying to protect me but I was just mad. Could I not take care of myself anymore? I have been doing this for two months now, and not one of the bloodsuckers have survived to tell their tale.

"I clearly have upset you. I know you can look after yourself, Sam. And that you are not mine to lose but please do this one thing for me. If nothing else please do this for the pack."

Hunter turned around to leave.

He looked over his shoulder and then locked eyes with mine. It seemed like he was about to say something else then instead he wrapped me into his arms and kissed me long and hard. Then he let me go and left the room without a second glance.

I collapsed at the end of my bed and looked up at the ceiling. His kisses were always so weird. Not bad weird but not really good either. It wasn't like I felt nothing at all, but it wasn't like some magical sensation either. It was just…. awkward. It was like I was kissing family, a cousin or brother.

I shut my eyes and before I knew it I heard the ringing of my alarm clock. I rolled over and blinked a few times. It was seven p.m. which meant sun down.

If Hunter really thought I was going to stay here, he was crazy. There was no way I would stop the hunt before I found Damien.

I slapped the top of my alarm and bounced to the window sill. I poked my head out. The coast was clear. Slowly I eased myself on to the sill; I was ready to jump…

"Nice, Sam," Alex said pushing my door open. Why was he still here? Does he ever go home? "I knew it!"

"Shut it," I hiss while turning my head to look at him. "My mother will hear you."

"Don't do it. Please," He begged. I swear he was almost as bad as Hunter.

"If you've tipped anyone off that I was leaving through this window, I will be extremely pissed off. And it won't be the least bit pleasant when I blame it all on you, either."

I leap forward into nothingness. I felt the wind through my hair as the ground drew closer and closer. With a soft thud I landed on all fours and was gone, heading straight to the feeding grounds.

---------------

There it was. It was completely unaware I was here as it sucked at the deer. It smelled sweet (not the deer’s blood but the vampire) causing my nose to itch. Nasty.

I was crouched down behind a rather thick bush. My ears twitched at the slurping sounds. It was enough to make anyone sick.

Slowly I crept forward, careful not to place a paw anywhere where it could make noise. Then I pounced toward the bloodsucking monster. My claws were extended and my teeth were bared.

I landed on its back, ripping and snapping at him as he tried to fling me off. I dug my claws deep into his shoulder and he hissed in pain. Blood dripped from the gashes I had made.

The vampire tried to bite into my leg which was his fatal mistake. I had a clear shot at his throat and I took it.

The blood splattered all over me but I let go and backed away. Disgusted I spit the chunk of vampire flesh out and began the search for others.

The night air was blowing from the north so I never saw it coming. Something grabbed a hold of me from behind but I could not shake it. I felt a pang of pain on the side of my head before falling to the forest floor.

There was yelling from farther behind and I knew the one that got me was not alone. I tried to get back up on my feet but there was another blow and then blackness.
Last edited by XxxSummerxxX on Fri Mar 06, 2009 3:20 am, edited 3 times in total.
"...I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance..."




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Hey, I'm back for the next part. I hope you don't mind. :) This was very good! It kept my interest. Just a few things. You know the drill, corrections in bold, comments in italics.

"Sam? Yoo-hoo, earth to Samantha. Are you even listening to me? Of course you're not, you never listen," Alex mumbled. "I love you and now I am going to kiss you."

"Hmm? Oh that's great. Good for you, Alex."

"What? See, you weren't listening! Do you even know what I just said? For God's sake, Sam. I could have said I like the taste of vampire blood."

"Ew! What the hell is wrong with you?! Seriously, that is just sick! Gross!" I grimaced and stared at him. I mean- EW!

"Huh? Ew! No! Do you have any idea what that would mean? Sam, listen to me for once, please. We are worried about you. Look at yourself. You are covered in dirt and your clothes are bloodstained. Don't keep doing this."
During this little bolded section I think you could add more detail. Like how they said the stuff, who said it. Actions while they said it, etc.

"It's not my blood." I wiped some dirt from my arm and smiled. There was one less leech in the world.

"So? You know what? I'll just let Hunter talk some sense into you. I don't want my best friend to get herself killed."

"No, please, Alex! I don't want to talk with Hunter right now." Or ever, I added silently.

"He is worried sick about you! He might be obsessed with you, but Hunter is a good guy. Just give him a chance."

"I know he is but... I don't have to explain anything to you. Excuse me." I pushed my way past him and stormed down the hallway to my room.

I know Hunter is a good guy. He is a great guy, but I don't like him that way, not anymore. And no one knows how hard it is to stay in the same room as him for any length of time. It wasn't even because of him either, it was me.

He reminded me so much of Neil it was painful to see him. They did not look alike. Hunter has blonde I know the spell check says it's spelled that way but it is spelled "blonde", hair and green-ish blue eyes, while Neil had deep green eyes and dark brown hair just like me. No, it was how he acted.

Hunter is nice and sweet. He liked to listen to me talk and always had the right things to say. He was sincere, charming, cute, funny, loving, and caring. He was everything that made the perfect boyfriend… or in my case fiancée.

I shuttered.

It's funny how when I was younger I would do anything to hang out with Neil so I could be around Hunter. I had the biggest crush on my brother's best friend and now that Uncle Phil has forced me into an arranged marriage with him I can't stand to be around him. And it wasn't that I hated him or anything like that, but somehow he became just like my brother and I could never see him as anything more than a friend.

The wounds were still so fresh and already I had to marry just so I could claim my spot as pack leader. A position I did not want.

I didn’t want the fame or so called glory. I didn’t want to lead everyone I loved to their deaths in this war. I wasn’t cut out for talking to large groups. And I definitely didn’t want to have to interact with the vampires.

I sighed and shut the door.

Quickly I took a shower, put on some clean clothes, brushed my hair, and left the bathroom only to stare at the figure sitting on the edge of my bed. Damn it!

"I hope you don't mind, I let myself in while you were in the shower," he said rising to his feet and walking towards me.

"No, of course not," I answered. In fact did mind, a lot.

"Sam, I know you are not thrilled with this whole marriage thing. I know things have been hard on you, they have been hard on me too but we need to talk. I don't want to take the leadership from you but I will be there to help you when ever you may need me," Hunter said while gently laying a hand on my arm. I had the urge to pull away but forced myself to stay still.

"Okay," I whispered. I really wanted him to leave now.

"I know you don't like me, Samantha. Shh, don't say anything. I know it is weird that I was Neil's best friend and that I am three, almost four years older than you. I, however, think I am in love with you. Let me finish. I don't want you to get hurt, so please stop this vampire hunting thing you are doing." In the bolded parts is she interrupting? Because, that's what it sounds like. Maybe you could add her trying to interrupt him so it doesn't sound so abrupt.
There weren't many nitpicks after this.



There weren't too many nitpicks. Good! Maybe you could add more detail to your dialogue. Also, maybe elaborate on her relationship with her brother. I would like to know more about him. Good job keep writing! I hope to read the next part soon. :lol:
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."




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Thank you for your help. Seriously, I always miss this type of stuff when I go back and edit. Also there is more on her brother in the next chapter...
"...I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance..."




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Hey, here I am again =). So this was good too. It kept me interested and its still keeping me guessing a little so i want more. Thats good, you want your readers to want more.

There were a few parts (as was said before) that lacked detail. Let your reader see whats happening, let them see the surrounding area. But don't make it all explainy. Don't tell us whats there, show us.

There were a few parts where there were I's and They's missing. But I read back through it and I can't find them so maybe I imagined it.

Good job otherwise =) can't wait for more!
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XxxSummerxxX wrote:"Sam? Yoo-hoo, earth to Samantha. Are you even listening to me? Of course you're not, you never listen," Alex mumbled. "I love you and now I am going to kiss you."

I typically don't like dialogue for opening lines but this is pretty good dialogue. It works. It draws me in.

XxxSummerxxX wrote:"He is worried sick about you! He might be obsessed with you, but Hunter is a good guy. Just give him a chance." His face softened as he attempted to place a hand on my shoulder.

This sounds awkward to me.

XxxSummerxxX wrote:I had the biggest crush on my brother's best friend and now that Uncle Phil has forced me into an arranged marriage with him I can't stand to be around him.

This doesn't flow well in my opinion. The 'and now...marriage' is what really stood out to me. Maybe try rephrasing it.

XxxSummerxxX wrote:The wounds were still so fresh and already I had to marry just so I could claim my spot as pack leader. A position I did not want.

1. First sentence sounds funky around 'so fresh and already I'
2. It may just be me being a freak but this is starting to get slightly twilightly in my opinion. 'leech' used above was the first thing because that's what the werewolves call the vampires. Now the leader thing but she doesn't want to be the leader, that's like Jacob. I don't know, that's all the similarities really. Maybe I'm just a complete freak. :)

XxxSummerxxX wrote:"I know you don't like me, Samantha." I opened my mouth to protest. (make this it's own paragraph.) "Shh, don't say anything. I know it is weird that I was Neil's best friend and that I am three, almost four years older than you. I, however, think I am in love with you."


XxxSummerxxX wrote:the bloodsuckers have survived to tell their tale.

another resemblance

XxxSummerxxX wrote:If Hunter really thought I was going to stay here, he was crazy. There was no way I would stop the hunt before I find ((found)) Damien.


XxxSummerxxX wrote:"Nice, Sam," Alex said pushing my door open. Why was he still here? Does he ever go home? (make this it's own paragraph) "I knew it!"


XxxSummerxxX wrote:"If you've tipped anyone off that I was leaving through this window, I will be extremely pissed off. And it won't be the least bit pleasant when blame it all on you, either."

I think you're missing an 'I' :)

XxxSummerxxX wrote:Slowly I crept forward, careful not to place a paw anywhere where it could make noise. Then I pounced toward the bloodsucking monster. My claws were extended and my teeth were bared.

Don't tell me he's a werewolf :)


Nice cliffy. :)

I thought it was well-written, but the similarities to Twilight are adding up in my head :) Maybe you didn't intend to do that at all and if that's the case, freaky, but whatever.
You have strong characters and you write really well. I like the dialogue and descriptions. :D

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Hey there! I'm here to review your story. :D

XxxSummerxxX wrote:Chapter 1
"Ew! What the hell is wrong with you?! Seriously, that is just sick! Gross!" I grimaced and stared at him. I mean- EW! Did he realize just disturbing that was? Just the thought of it made me want to gag.


I as a reader do not know how gross it is to drink vampire blood. For all I know it could be like drinking a delicious smoothie. You need to explain why. Don't assume we know.



"It's not my blood." I wiped some dirt from my arm and smiled. There was one less leech in the world.


Isn't that a Twilight phrase?

He looked over his shoulder and then locked eyes with mine. It looked like he was about to say something else then instead he wrapped me into his arms and kissed me long and hard. Then he let me go and left the room without a second glance.


I don't like the repetition of "looked".

If Hunter really thought I was going to stay here, he was crazy. There was no way I would stop the hunt before I find Damien.


"Found" not find.


There it was. It was completely unaware I was here as it sucked at the deer. It smelled sweet (not the deer’s blood but the vampire) causing my nose to itch. Nasty.


Are the italics her thoughts? If so, tell us.

I was crouched down real low behind a rather thick bush. My ears twitched at the slurping sounds. It was enough to make anyone sick.


"real low" doesn't sound right. I think "I crouched down" will suffice.


Okay, over all I was confused during this piece. I understand that the character and her family are werewolves and they're at war with vampires, but that's it. When you're writing a fantasy you need to gradually introduce the character to the fantasy world. That's why fantasy books are typically written from the POV of someone new to the world or a mortal. Try to slow down a bit so the character can better gain an understanding of this world. Confusing your readers is never a good thing.

Hope this helped

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I'm sorry, I really am not trying to sound mean, but what other words would I use to insult a vampire if not "leech" and "bloodsucker"? Yes, I realize that they are common and are used in twilight. But Bram Stoker used those same words in Dracula, as did Anne Rice in her vampire series. I did not take them from Stephanie Meyer if anywhere it came from Interview with a vampire since that was the book I was reading at the time I wrote this story. As for the phrase, "It's not my blood." I wiped some dirt from my arm and smiled. There was one less leech in the world." it is not from twilight. I completely made it up. But then again, they are commonly used lines. And Jacob can go die for all I care. He's not even a real werewolf. Sorry again. I just needed to rant a little.
"...I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance..."




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It's alright, I didn't mean to offend you at all. I'm sorry if I did, I just meant to say that "leech" was a Twilight phrase. Please don't take any offense from my review; I only wanted to help.
Do you want a critique by Dahlia? If so, Click here!




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Dahlia wrote:It's alright, I didn't mean to offend you at all. I'm sorry if I did, I just meant to say that "leech" was a Twilight phrase. Please don't take any offense from my review; I only wanted to help.


:oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:
I know. And I know I probably sounded kind of mean. I'm sorry if I did. I just need to rant and let everything out sometimes. I try really hard to make the story to everyone's liking and I just get frustrated. And I'm just a little sick of all vampire related stories being compared to only twilight. If you understand where I'm coming from. I wasn't trying to signal you out or anything. In fact I don't believe the leech thing was even from your comment, it was from someone elses. So I was talking to more than one person when I wrote that. But I really appreciate all the advise and help. I'm really really sorry if my other comment upset you or anyone else. I was tired and frustrated and just needed to rant. I'm seriously sorry, and your help is still needed if you are willing to give it.
"...I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance..."




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Hi I really like your story, it kept me interested and going the whole time....can't wait to read some more....pm me if you do.
Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ~Author Unknown



Sometimes you don’t need metaphors to feel something breaking
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