Wow, to be honest I really don't know what to say when it comes to this particular poem. I thought that you had a great ideal going but it just didn't quite do much for me. I knew that you were trying to capture the essence of a love and bond between human and vampire but I thought that you really didn't bring out the best in the potential of this piece. When your conveying moments of passion and sexuality you have to be careful not to go over board. You could have added a little more elegance and subtle sweetness when they were embracing and sharing the sacred bond that two people engage in. To be honest, the girl in the poem seemed like a cheap whore that was in love with a vampire. I don't think that this was one of your best works. I thought it was okay.
And why was there a vampire?? You didn't make it sound like a vampire.. it was like you just threw it in there as an afterthought.
I have one piece of advice.. do not write outside of your experiences just because you're impatient about growing up or whatever, write about what you know, your poetry will be much stronger for it.
I'd critique this properly, but I couldn't really change much: its flawed in the original theme just as the execution...
1. Don't write about vampire's.
2. Never use hymen or any genitalia in a poem.
3. Ditch the rhyme scheme, its too forced to have the desired effect.
So yeah, stick to what you know and you will see a lot more depth in your poety
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. . . . . .
I liked it. It's was very romantic. At first. Then, it got personal. Knda got gross. I mean nobody puts that stuff in books. Nasty. Her is a way you can keep it and make it more mature. Leave out the 'boyish thinking'. You thought of it. I think it's dirty. So mainly leave out the 'details'. God, why are you boys so dirty?
