The touch of a vampire

A Vampire's Touch

The Sun shined so very very bright,
It's rays provided such a beautiful sight.

We sat on a cliff,
Which overlooked the sea.
The waves danced with joy,
And the birds flew with glee.

The winds were cold,
And the earth was warm.
She smiled at me
With her full charm.

I smiled back at her,
And touched her lips.
She responded back,
With a passionate kiss.

I pushed her back,
Then I came very near.
"I am a vampire."
I whispered in her ear.

She smiled at me.
Then said to me-

"My affection for you will stay the same,
Even if you turn into a ghoul.
For I dont love your body,
But your pure soul."

I kissed her lightly,
Then hugged her tightly.

I felt her nipples get hard,
Under her shirt.
As my hands creeped down,
Into her skirt.

She blushed all over,
But did not stop me.
I was in her underwear,
And she was full of glee.

I licked her breast,
She kissed my chest.

Her joyful moans
seemed like a kitten's mew.
She enjoyed 'it' very much
I just knew it, I just knew.

Then at last I was in her,
And she was a virgin no more.
I felt proud in the fact that,
Her hymen I tore.

And now the bright noon has turned into a dark night,
As we lay together as one bathed in silvery moonlight.

y isnt anybody writing any comment is it so bad??I dont think so.
maybe u all are shy.Is it so??
Then please dont be I need to know how my poem is.
Is it gud or bad plz tell.

Well, for starters, I will say that it's not bad. But i'm just gonna be honest with you right now; if kids on YWS (These forums) don't find the poem interesting or what they like to reda, they usually won't read it. It's not because it's bad.

Take me for example. I'm not being arrogant when I say this, but I think my poems are actually very well written. If you scroll down the page of lyrical poetry, you'll see my newest poem (The Question, The QUestion,) has gone pretty much ignored. You need to start reviewing other people's poems and works, and they might return the favor for you. THat's all the advice I can give you as far as that goes.

Now, on to the poem itself. It wasn't bad at all. I might advise next time using the rating system, because there were some moments in this poem that could be considered PG13 or R (I know I know, I hate the rating system myself, but this is a forum for younger writers after all.) like the part where the vampire licks the girl's breast.

...actually, mother of balls, reading the whole thing, it's quite a sexual poem. So yeah, kids probably stopped reading it because it's so blatantly sesxual. NOW, I don't personally care, because I'm not one for censorship. As far as critiquing your work here, I can't say that there is anything that NEEDS to be fixed, because it's a decent poem. I think you just need to remember to rate the poem next time, and more people will be aware of what they're reading.

If you have anything else you want read, just pm me. I'll take a look at it when I have time.

spike71294 wrote:A Vampire's Touch

The Sun shined so very, very bright,
It's rays provided such a beautiful sight.

We sat on a cliff No comma here...
Which overlooked the sea.
The waves danced with joy ...or here...
And the birds flew with glee.

The winds were cold ...or here...
And the earth was warm.
She smiled at me
With her full charm. Fix this rhyme.

I smiled back at her ...again comma...
And touched her lips.
She responded back ...again comma...
With a passionate kiss.

I pushed her back,
Then I came [s]very[/s] near.
"I am a vampire."
I whispered in her ear.

She smiled at me.
Then said to me:

"My affection for you will stay the same,
Even if you turn into a ghoul.
For I don't love your body,
But your pure soul." Try : "But I love your soul."

I kissed her lightly,
Then hugged her tightly.

I felt her nipples get hard ...again comma...
Under her shirt.
As my hands creeped down ...again comma...
Into her skirt.

She blushed all over,
But did not stop me.
I was in her underwear ...again comma...
[s]And she was full of glee.[/s]

I licked her breast,
She kissed my chest. Why are you putting these stanzas over and over again? They sound so childish...anyone can make a silly rhyme with two verses...

Her joyful moans
seemed like a kitten's mew.
She enjoyed 'it' very much "IT"? WTF?
I just knew it, I just knew.

Then at last I was in her ...again comma...
And she was a virgin no more.
I felt proud [s]in the fact[/s] that,
Her hymen I tore.

And now the bright noon has turned into a dark night,
As we lay together as one bathed in silvery moonlight. You're aware that vampires do NOT like silver???

This whole thing seemed without any real feelings except that you fxxked a vampire...and all this leads into your childish plot.
Also, the poem doesn't have the final thought-the point of all this...
COMMAS...lol...check the help topics in this forum about punctuation cause yours is..preety bad...

Peace.......

hahahahaha, nipples.


Okay, as a poem, this really diddnt strike me as very worthy of poetry form.

it seemed to be more of a short story actually, like a rough sketch of something you could have done.

The poem itself changed pace very quickly and kinda shattered the tone it had going for it, about half way through the opening.

The ending was......hilarious really hahahah.

Your wording is good, dont get me wrong, but I think if you have a tone for a certain piece, you should stick with it, if this was a quasi-vampiristic/first time story it diddnt really come off as that, just jumbled thoughts.

work on it and try and keep any piece like this separate and consistant.

I liked it. It statred of kind of romantic in a dark way. Parts of it showed a sense of inner desire. The sensuality is a good part because it gives a sense of who you are. Not really a good boy right?
Very different from anything I've ever read. Not many young writers are comfertible with writing the sort of stuff you did.

I read this when you first posted it and I wasn't sure whether or not I should comment or not - so I waited to see what others would say and I have to say; don't you think this is kinda raunchy for a kid your age? Hell, it'd raunchy even if I wrote it, it's no excuse is it? You need to warn people with ratings, definately, before you post.

You need to brush up on your puntuation, flow and the rhyme is a bit forced.

I would give it a full blown review, but I feel as though I've said it all.

Ok normally I dont write these type of things but One of my friends challenged me that I cant write these type of things.
So I proved it she was wrong.
And ya I also feel that it does not have any real feelings of mine.
It was just a piece of work that's all.
And no I am not a bad boy I just manage to be bold(I know bold is a n understatement.) sometimes.
But I personally think that the flow of this poem was better than the rest of my poems.
alas this work of mine has got more negative remarks than any of my other works.
But everyone has their own personal views, and sadly I cant do anything about it.

if you're gonna post anything here, it might as well be serious.

yeah man, rating is kinda dumb, but you should definitly rate this thing.

VAMPIRES TURN TO DRY BONES IN THE SUNLIGHT PEOPLE.
jeez......

yeah, im sorry, i didnt really like this poem. im a christian and all so havin sex before marriage isnt all that great in our beliefs.

yeah.....

hobbes wrote:yeah man, rating is kinda dumb, but you should definitly rate this thing.

VAMPIRES TURN TO DRY BONES IN THE SUNLIGHT PEOPLE.
jeez......

yeah, im sorry, i didnt really like this poem. im a christian and all so havin sex before marriage isnt all that great in our beliefs.

yeah.....

That doesn't mean you should hate a poem just because it doesn't flow with your beliefs. Read and critique it for its skill and style, not for its message.

i dont hate it, i just dont really like it, thats all. and when you "read and critique" something, its impossible to toss all your beliefs aside when you rate how good a poem is.

hobbes wrote:i dont hate it, i just dont really like it, thats all. and when you "read and critique" something, its impossible to toss all your beliefs aside when you rate how good a poem is.

Uh...no, it's not that difficult man. I do it all the time. I'm a Christian myself and I'm able to put it aside. It just takes some time and practice to understand what you're reading, and to delve into it. If you can do that, then you'll be able to put aside your differences with the writer's set values.

If you don't like it then you don't like it; i'm not harping on that. I just find it very troublesome to hear that people rate something lowly just from pure bias due to different morale values. It's not right. I rarely write something very Christian, and I know I wouldn't want people to judge me because I don't preach the word all the time.

Hey Spike! Shina here again I'm reviewing another one of poems since I've already started to attack your portfolio. You said you write like me, so I want to see if there's actually something in your porfolio that's not flat, and this poem seriously didn't help.

Ok normally I dont write these type of things but One of my friends challenged me that I cant write these type of things.
So I proved it she was wrong.
And ya I also feel that it does not have any real feelings of mine.
It was just a piece of work that's all.
And no I am not a bad boy I just manage to be bold(I know bold is a n understatement.) sometimes.
But I personally think that the flow of this poem was better than the rest of my poems.
alas this work of mine has got more negative remarks than any of my other works.
But everyone has their own personal views, and sadly I cant do anything about it.

I won't get mad at you for chat speak because I don't nit pick on rules like some of the other YWS members, but I'm afraid that if you were "trying" to prove to your friend you are able to write a good poem, you lost the bet. Once again your poetry is flat. No meaning. You used "glee" as a rhyme twice for words and you never do that in a poem. Look for new rhymes. The beginning of them poem is eaten by the rhyme. It sounds like those elementary school rhymes. What does "dancing with joy" mean anyway? And how about "full charm"? Don't tell us, show us. Describe what makes it seem like it's dancing with joy and what full charm is. I know it's a challenge in a poem, but as a write you must overcome that.

Other things I noticed: You rhyme in some parts but not the others. Lips and kiss do not rhyme. A kitten "meows" and not "mews". Ghoul and soul don't rhyme, they are just spelled similarly.

Okay, onto the positives. The beginning of your poem is, in my opinion, not worth reading. It's dead and lifeless and flat, I'm sad to say. But the good part is that the second half of your poem actually, has life to it. It seems to come from a human, a person rather than from a robot rhyming machine. I won't get mad at you for ideas since 1. you're a guy and 2. I respect all types of writing, but I can tell that you actually put some sort of feeling into that. I don't know if it was experience, studies, movies, or whatever, but there's much more application of feelings in there. I'm glad to say there was an improvement. I think you can be a lot better writer if you were to put more feeling into your writing. I want to see what you can do if you if you actually had confidence rather than brushing away what you've written.

And don't worry, you're not a "bad boy", but you're not bold either. It's called having a Y chromosome and hormones (scientific explanation!)

~Shina

Hi there! Hope you don’t mind another review!

These were some problems that stuck out to me:

1. Some of your rhymes don't quite work. Just because the last letters are the same, doesn't mean the sound is the same. (Ghoul/soul, warm/charm)

2. Inconsistent rhythms in different stanzas work in a free verse poem, but not in a set of quatrains and couplets jumbled helter-skelter together. If you could make the couplets of a uniform length, and do the same with the quatrains, it would improve the poem considerably. Try tapping out the rhythm and reading it to yourself. I know it sounds stupid, but it really does help.

3. The characters are sort of odd. First the girl says she doesn’t love the vampire for his body, but their actions later prove that to not quite be completely truthful. And there’s no mention of why the vampire can be in the sunlight without any adverse effects, not any mention of bloodlust. In all honesty, the poem could work just as well – no, I’d think it might work better – if you replaced the word “vampire” with “werewolf”. The vampires don’t tend to change into a more monstrous form, just bats. Lycanthropic wolves are ghoulish, though, and like the moon. Frankly, he poem as a whole doesn’t feel vampire-y to me -- just randomly erotic. *shrug*

Oh, and I suggest you put a PG-13 or R rating on it, too, just to warn people.

-- MonsieurRosseau

PS – Looking at your profile, I see the combination of “male” and “14”. Interesting combination there, as far as poetry goes. Good luck to you!