Autumn Winds

Ghostly hands caress your face
Loving you isn't enough anymore
Miles and hours are thorned crowns
That render us unconscious
At the slightest touch

Your transfixing eyes
Of shaded treetops
Stare me into a false lullaby
Our picture falls, creased and torn
As a summer's love
Crumbles in the wind

The last two lines of the first stanza didn't seem to fit the style/pace of the former three lines, so I didn't like them. I think if you redid them the poem would be improved.

But the last stanza is excellent. I think this is the best thing I've read by you...I'd just change the "That render us unconscious/At the slightest touch"...just sounds wrong to me.

have to agree there.. the first stanza doesn't seem right at all.. especially the last two lines.

pictures.. yes (and I'll get it scanned, I promise!). treetops.. pictures.. camp.. summer...and wind. clothspins, anyone? last stanza is good. not my favourite of your stuff.. but that might be that I know (or think i do, in my arrogance) what you're talking about.

I like it. It's short and it seems to me as if you jusr wrote it for yourself which gives it a bit a mystery in my eyes. It makes me wonder what you meant with it. What the true meaning is. I don't know.

I have to agree with Firestarter about the last 2 lines of the first stanza but I did enjoy the poem.

Thanks guys!

I'll try to rework those two lines... The more I read it, the more I agree lol.

Yoha, I wrote it after a night spent talking with my boyfriend. He said that our long-distance relationship was like dating a ghost. I was really afraid I was going to lose him that night... So this came out. Actually, the second stanza came a few nights ago when I wanted something to read for poetry club lol.

Some small crits:

Ghostly hands caress your face


Okay...


Loving you isn't enough anymore


Very unconnected to the first line. Also, you need to answer what isenough, now?


Miles and hours are thorned crowns


I presume this has some kind of relation to distance, though the 'thorned crown' has an abstract Christian reference that I can't quite piece into the rest of the poem.


That render us unconscious


How is the thorned crown rendering you unconscious?


At the slightest touch


Cliche.




Your transfixing eyes
Of shaded treetops
Stare me into a false lullaby
Our picture falls, creased and torn
As a summer's love
Crumbles in the wind



I love the rest.

*laughs* Funny how I was so connected to the first stanza and no one likes it. Brad, you showed me WHY it doesn't work, so thank you for that.

Glad you all like the second stanza.

Oops, I forgot to comment on this.

I too love the second stanza. What doesn't seem to fit is the first two lines. Probably because the second person is used with the narrator being there. It's in the passive tense. *shrugs*

But I like the second stanza.

Firestarter point exactly. It was good overall, but some of the lines didn't seem to hit.

the seasonly love might not always be warm but it'll will always return.

wonderfully written poem.

8/10

Wow, umm not really sure what you were going for there. The corwn of thorns made me think of christianity, along with the first few lines but im not really sure.

Ghostly hands caress your face

Alright, good start.

Loving you isn't enough anymore

Very unconnected to the first line. Try to join them together. Unless your in love with the ghost hands, i dont know whats going on.

Miles and hours are thorned crowns

now your telling me that the ghost hands are far away, and makes life painful? I dont get why you'd put the crown part in here but whatever.

That render us unconscious

weird, doesn't fit, confusing.

At the slightest touch

Here what hte first thing told me.

Your in love with some guy who lives a ways away, and the thought, and slightest thoughts of him are painful beyond comparison, bad enough to render you unconscious........... if I'm wrong then tell us what your aiming for cuz i dont no then otherwise.

Your transfixing eyes
Of shaded treetops

His eyes look like shaded treetops?!

Stare me into a false lullaby

I'm guessing this one means that he's putting you into a false sense of security, and tranquility

Our picture falls, creased and torn
As a summer's love
Crumbles in the wind

I love this last part! Very descriptive and a great way to end the poem.
Work on the first part, and it'll be great.

Wow, that's really good, Crysi. I liked the flow and rhythm in both stanzas. I liked how you described the feeling of losing someone you love and them lying to you. It's sad, but good. Keep up the good work!

-Rick.

Liked the poem. The flow and ryhthm were its strengths.

I felt your passion and what i think you thought when writing this.

As a summer's love
Crumbles in the wind

Very... creative... shows you are out not cramped in a little box.