Naked in the City

I originally wrote this for the last Writer's Digest. Your Story contest, and lost. =[ Then, I sent it to SmokeLong Quarterly, and got rejected. =[ So, maybe you guys can tell me what's wrong with this piece!

Naked in the City
By: Ralph G

"God, it's hot out," Stew said, pushing a tree branch out of his way.
James and I rolled our eyes and kept on pushing through brush.
It was a hot August day, the kind of day that makes eleven-year-olds like us restless. Instead staying in town and getting into trouble, we had decided to go explore in the woods.
Exploring the woods was one of our favorite hobbies; no matter how many times we went exploring out there, we always found something new. Our parents liked it too, since it kept us out of trouble.
We used the shirts we had taken off midway through our trek to wipe the sweat from our faces. Even in the shade of all of the trees, it was still extremely hot.
“We’ve been walking for an hour,” Stew complained. “We haven’t found anything, let’s turn back.”
I was about to agree with him when I pushed through a bush and found something new. A lake.
“Guys!” I shouted as I ran towards it. “Look!” I felt a cool, relaxing breeze blowing across my face as I ran towards the shore.
The lake was roughly the size of a football field. The water rippled in the slight breeze. It wasn’t a huge lake, but it was big enough for three eleven-year-olds to relax in. There was even a battered tire swing handing from a tree..
The water was too much to resist; we pulled off our shoes and socks, tossed them in a pile and ran to the cool, blue water, wading in until we were knee deep.
"What is this place?" James asked.
"Must've been an old swimming hole from before people got pools," I replied, shrugging.
“We should go swimming,” James suggested.
“But we don’t have our suits,” Stew said. “And I don’t feel like walking back to get them.”
We thought about it until James exclaimed. “Let’s got skinny dipping!”
“No way!” Stew replied. “What if someone sees us?”
I thought it sounded fun. “No one will see us,” I told Stew. “No one even knows where this lake is. It’ll be fun! Come on!”
Stew sighed. “All right, I guess you’re right, no one knows where we are. Let’s do it before I change my mind.”
We went back to our clothes, and added our shorts and briefs to the pile.
“I’ll race you to the water!” I yelled, running back towards the lake.
They took off running after me. “Cheater!” they shouted.
The water felt heavenly after a two hour hike threw the woods in 90 degree weather.
"Hey, Stew," I yelled.
"Wha..." Stew had turned to answer just as I splashed him. "You're so dead!" he shouted as he started splashing me.
We spent the afternoon goofing around in the water, acting like the bunch of kids we were.
"Hey," Stew yelled to us from the tire swing. "I bet I can make a bigger splash than you guys can."
James and I exchanged mischievous grins. "You're on!" I yelled as James and I swam over to the tree.
"Mine was totally the biggest!" James shouted after we had all taken turns jumping from the tire swing.
"No way, mine was ten times bigger!" Stew argued.
Not one to be left out, I shouted "Mine was bigger than both of your put together!"
Of course, being three eleven-year-olds, none of us would accept defeat. The arguing match turned into a water wrestling match. By the end of the math, none of us even remember what we were arguing over to begin with.
We were all having the time of our lives until we heard a rustling in the woods followed by laughing. We froze and looked towards the source, where a group of teens was running away from us through the woods. Then, we noticed our clothes were gone.
“Shit. Now what do we do?” Stew asked.
“We’re gonna have to go home,” I said.
“Naked?” Stew stared at me like I had grown two heads.
“Unless you’ve got a better idea,” I said looking over at him.
Unable to come up with a better idea, we swam back to the shore.
“At least they left us our shoes,” James said pointing at where our shoes were laying.
We put the shoes back on and reluctantly walked back through the forest, careful not to scratch or cut ourselves. We made our way back to the edge of town where we stopped and looked around. No one was around, so we sprinted across the street to an alley.
So far, so good. Quickly, we ran across the street to another alley. We crouched behind a trash can and made sure we were still alone. Once we were sure, we ran down the street towards the next alley.
“Oh my!” we heard a shrill voice shout.
We stopped running and turned around. An old lady had walked out of the town bookstore and was now standing on the sidewalk staring at us, her eyes wide in surprise. None of us recognized her, so we turned and ran away from her before anyone else came out.
"Perverts!" the old lady yelled after us.
"I can't believe I let you talk me into this," Stew shouted as we ran.
"Stop whining and just run," I replied.
We sprinted the rest of the way, slowing down only when we got near the houses. If we saw someone, we hid behind whatever was close; a trashcan, a parked car, a bush, anything.
Once we got close to our homes, we went our separate ways, traveling the last couple blocks alone. When I could see my house, I gave up hiding and sprinted towards it.
I quickly opened the door and stepped inside. Once I was safely inside, I leaned against the door, closed my eyes and sighed. My heart was racing, from both the running and the fear of being caught.
Then I heard laughing. I opened my eyes to see my older brother and three of his friends staring and laughing at me.
"Nice outfit," my brother said grinning.

Hi.
Okay let's get down to business.
We all know that everyone needs some criticism once in a while.
So, I'm going to let you have it.
Please don't let this get to your heart, its one piece of writing and my opion only.
So first of all, I gotta say its a cute story.
However, it lacks excitement.
You could easily boost this by adding some more engenetic words.

We were all having the time of our lives until we heard a rustling in the woods followed by laughing. We froze and looked towards the source, where a group of teens was running away from us through the woods. Then, we noticed our clothes were gone.

This bit is practically the basis and the biggest event in your piece, this is where you could make the most excitement happen.
Make it longer and add a lot more detail.
For example you could say.
We must've been to busy enjoying ourselves to hear the faint russling of the leaves,
Which already creates a bit of suspence and drama.
it was only when a loud piercing laugh rang through the forest that we realised something was happening.
See how exciting its getting?
Now I could go on for ages trying to make every single bit exciting but its up to you which parts you think are the most important.
Maybe you could make something else happen along with the old lady.
They could run into some older boys or girls, something to create embarassment?
I've pretty much done all I can right now; with a little improvement this could be a bomber.
Hope this has helped and you can use some of the advice I've given you.
Happy writing

Here's what I thought when I read this piece:

"He sure says 'eleven-year-olds' a lot. Is this a flashback?"
I got the feeling that the speaker was looking back on this experience. Is that right? If so, I would try to make it a little clearer, bring it to the forefront if it's an important part of your story.

"Lotta semicolons."
Mostly unneccessary. Such as:
"The water was too much to resist; we pulled off our shoes and socks, tossed them in a pile and ran to the cool, blue water, wading in until we were knee deep."
"If we saw someone, we hid behind whatever was close; a trashcan, a parked car, a bush, anything."
I think the first case should be a simple period, the second, a colon.

"They found a lake?
Some of the action seemed a bit far-fetched.

"What's the point?"
None of my other criticism is as important as this. I know this is harsh, but that's what I really thought at the end. It's a cute and funny ending, yes, but overall, I didn't feel a lot of soul or love in this piece. I think the story line has a lot of potential, but I didn't understand what you as a writer were trying to do, and as a reader, that left me confused and somewhat frustrated at the end. If you focus this piece a bit more, I think it would be great!

I hope this wasn't too mean. I only say it because I think it has potential!

well done.
rachel

Is this meant to be a children's story or something for adults?

Exploring the woods was one of our favorite hobbies; no matter how many times we went exploring out there, we always found something new.

The underlined "exploring" sounds a bit redundant.

The water felt heavenly after a two hour hike threw the woods in 90 degree weather.

What's wrong with this picture? You cannot throw the woods. change to through.

“Shit. Now what do we do?” Stew asked.

Most eleven year olds do not cuss.

We were all having the time of our lives until we heard a rustling in the woods followed by laughing. We froze and looked towards the source, where a group of teens was running away from us through the woods. Then, we noticed our clothes were gone.

Play this up. alot. This is the climax of the story, I want to know the exact sick feeling your character gets in his stomach when he realizes he has to run naked through the city to get home.

Overall, add alot more detail, I want to know more about the lake, what does it look like? Where does this story take place anyway? When you're talking about how hot it is you could just say "The [insert state name here] heat was unbearable." I think this could be alot more interesting if he sees that it was his brother, then you could write on the anger he's feeling.

Good job.

Hey Ralph! Here's the extra critique you earned for submitting your contest entry in by the 15th. Just be warned – I haven't critiqued in ages, so this may not be the best.

After reading through this once, I think a nit-pick review would do you more good than an overall, so I guess I'll do that.

"God, it's hot out," Stew said, pushing a tree branch out of his way.

James and I rolled our eyes and kept on pushing through brush.

With most books that I have read, they start with dialogue as a connection to a long piece of narrative, like the paragraph you have after this. You keep yours very short here, and it feels too clunky. (That may be why you've been rejected – openers mean the world.)

What I would suggest would be to continue with the first paragraph, keeping our attention on Stew. Show him wipe his brow, trip over branches – whatever. Show his personality a bit. To me, it seems like he's going to be the whiner of the group. Always saying 'Come on guys, I'm tired!' If that's true, show it more! Expand on him a little bit through his actions. Then connect the next paragraph to this new one you're writing, to show the sharp contrast between the boys.

It was a hot August day, the kind of day that makes eleven-year-olds like us restless. Instead staying in town and getting into trouble, we had decided to go explore in the woods.

Exploring the woods was one of our favorite hobbies; no matter how many times we went exploring out there, we always found something new. Our parents liked it too, since it kept us out of trouble.

We used the shirts we had taken off midway through our trek to wipe the sweat from our faces. Even in the shade of all of the trees, it was still extremely hot.

I know you're gonna hate to hear this, but that's telling, not showing. A huuuuge no-no. Show us all of this! Let us see how restless they are. Do they play tag, climb up trees? Little boys often do things like that – waste all their energy on fun things because they just have so much inside them. Show us!

The exploration can be easily shown through dialogue. Later on, when they want to turn back, simply have one of the boys say something like 'Come on – we never leave without finding something!'

With the heat, you've already kind of covered this. Just continue letting them wipe their faces; have them covered in sweat. We'll understand.

“We’ve been walking for an hour,” Stew complained. “We haven’t found anything, let’s turn back.”

This seems slightly too rational to me. He's presenting the information – we've walked for one hour, and we haven't found anything – and then, calmly, stating the best conclusion he can come up with – let's turn back. But he's 11, and a whiner! He's not going to be so calm. He'll say something like, "We've been walking for an hour, and we still haven't found anything! Let's just go back – this is stupid." Something like that.

Also, later on you say two hours.

I was about to agree with him when I pushed through a bush and found something new. A lake.

I have no reason to believe that 'I' would agree with Stew. I've been shown that Stew is a complainer, but 'I' rolled his eyes – he pushed ahead! So why'd he now agreeing? Show us more of their journey. Make us realize just how difficult it was for them, and give us a reason to believe that 'I' would really agree.

Also, the phrase 'something new' is very… childish? writing. Reword that. And why should I believe that these boys who go out all the time have never seen this lake before? If you want me to believe that, show us that this was their longest trek earlier.

“Guys!” I shouted as I ran towards it. “Look!” I felt a cool, relaxing breeze blowing across my face as I ran towards the shore.

Watch your repetition – you have 'I ran towards' twice.

The lake was roughly the size of a football field. The water rippled in the slight breeze. It wasn’t a huge lake, but it was big enough for three eleven-year-olds to relax in. There was even a battered tire swing handing from a tree..

You have an extra period at the last sentence. And it's 'hanging' not 'handing'. Also, this is very… repetitive. So far you've been good about sentence structure, but here you just use the same one over and over. Vary it up a bit.

“Shit. Now what do we do?” Stew asked.

Ditch the swear – it'll make you way more likely to be accepted. And play up the emotions! Make them think hard for an alternative. Make Stew say 'I told you so!' Something. Play it up.

We stopped running and turned around. An old lady had walked out of the town bookstore and was now standing on the sidewalk staring at us, her eyes wide in surprise. None of us recognized her, so we turned and ran away from her before anyone else came out.

Why would they pause?? They're trying not to be seen! Make them run faster when they hear her!

"Perverts!" the old lady yelled after us.

You're not planning on building her character, so she can't be a special old lady – she has to be a typical one. That's fine for this case, but make her act like one. No typical old lady would say 'perverts'.

"Nice outfit," my brother said grinning.

Love the ending!

a few overall comments

swimming

I really want to see more fun here. It's pretty boring at the moment – you're just telling me what's happening! You're writing in first person. Bring me closer! Let me feel the strength of his muscles as he swims across the lake – let me feel the pain as he pounds into the lake, trying to make the biggest splash.

Also, the boys went to saying 'let's go skinny dipping!' very quickly. Why not just swim in their boxers? Seems more likely. Their reaction didn't seem very life-like. Give them a reason to actually want to strip all the way.

Of course, if you make them wear briefs, running through town in wet briefs would be just as mortifying, if not more, as running through town naked. Maybe do that instead?

running

Make me embarrassed. Make me feel adrenaline. You're resorting to just telling me what they're doing – let me be next to them as they crouch in the cool grass, hiding from the man and his dog. Let me see the wince as the dog sniffs in their direction. Let me feel how much their lungs hurt as they desperately hold their breath, trying not to be heard.

the point

I see someone else already told you about this. Right now, there's no point in this story. You really should have some point, but I think if you can make me laugh it'll be fine. Just try to bring me back to that age. Let me feel carefree when they're swimming, mortified and brimming with adrenaline when they're running. That's the only way you're story can have a real point – if you make me feel young, and give me a good laugh at their situation.

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

"God, it's hot out," Stew said, pushing a tree branch out of his way.

James and I rolled our eyes and kept on pushing through brush.

Opening lines are fine. They aren't radically amazing, but they are fine.

Here is where you go wrong...

It was a hot August day, the kind of day that makes eleven-year-olds like us restless. Instead staying in town and getting into trouble, we had decided to go explore in the woods.

Exploring the woods was one of our favorite hobbies; no matter how many times we went exploring out there, we always found something new. Our parents liked it too, since it kept us out of trouble.

We used the shirts we had taken off midway through our trek to wipe the sweat from our faces. Even in the shade of all of the trees, it was still extremely hot.

This entire section is extremely boring. The reason is that it is all pure, needless exposition. Infodump. Whatever you want to call it.

In a short story, your words are very limited, every word better count. Almost everything in a short story should be showing, not telling. I would get rid of this whole section, and start here...

“We’ve been walking for an hour,” Stew complained. “We haven’t found anything, let’s turn back.”

I was about to agree with him when I pushed through a bush and found something new. A lake.

“Guys,” I shouted as I ran towards it. “look!” I felt a cool, relaxing breeze blowing across my face as I ran towards the shore.

The lake was roughly the size of a football field. The water rippled in the slight breeze. It wasn’t a huge lake, but it was big enough for three eleven-year-olds to relax in. There was even a battered tire swing handing from a tree..

The water was too much to resist; we pulled off our shoes and socks, tossed them in a pile and ran to the cool, blue water, wading in until we were knee deep.

There isn't a conflict yet. Everything is very slow.

"What is this place?" James asked.

"Must've been an old swimming hole from before people got pools," I replied, shrugging.

“We should go swimming,” James suggested.

“But we don’t have our suits,” Stew said. “And I don’t feel like walking back to get them.”

This section is dull. Plus, the dialogue is unrealistic for eleven year olds. Your dialogue is really generic, it has no purpose. Have them do something interesting like immediately run into the lake, or maybe two of them run into it, but one of them is scared of water and starts whining about it...I don't know. Something interesting. I would get rid of this section, and rewrite it.

“Let’s got skinny dipping!”

This is the most interesting line of the short story yet.

“No way!” Stew replied. “What if someone sees us?”

I thought it sounded fun. “No one will see us,” I told Stew. “No one even knows where this lake is. It’ll be fun! Come on!”

Stew sighed. “All right, I guess you’re right, no one knows where we are. Let’s do it before I change my mind.”

We went back to our clothes, and added our shorts and briefs to the pile.

“I’ll race you to the water!” I yelled, running back towards the lake.

They took off running after me. “Cheater!” they shouted.

The water felt heavenly after a two hour hike threw the woods in 90 degree weather.

Again, very boring. Maybe have them originally go in with just their underwear, and then maybe they're playing king of the hill on a rock and one of em accidentally rips off the others underwear, and they all end up tearing off each others underwear. That would be comical, hahaha...Anyway, revamp it.

"Hey, Stew," I yelled.

"Wha..." Stew had turned to answer just as I splashed him. "You're so dead!" he shouted as he started splashing me.

We spent the afternoon goofing around in the water, acting like the bunch of kids we were.

"Hey," Stew yelled to us from the tire swing. "I bet I can make a bigger splash than you guys can."

James and I exchanged mischievous grins. "You're on!" I yelled as James and I swam over to the tree.

"Mine was totally the biggest!" James shouted after we had all taken turns jumping from the tire swing.

"No way, mine was ten times bigger!" Stew argued.

Not one to be left out, I shouted "Mine was bigger than both of your put together!"

Again, boring. Nothing is compelling about your plot yet. In fact, there is no plot. A plot needs conflict. There is no conflict. It's about a bunch of boys splashing around in a lake during the summer. Whoopdeedoo. Have someone die! You're a writer, you're God in this story. Make it interesting.

“Shit. Now what do we do?” Stew asked.

“We’re gonna have to go home,” I said.

“Naked?” Stew stared at me like I had grown two heads.

Okay, I LOVED this! Hahahaha...I can just picture these idiot kids running across town butt naked.

We stopped running and turned around. An old lady had walked out of the town bookstore and was now standing on the sidewalk staring at us, her eyes wide in surprise. None of us recognized her, so we turned and ran away from her before anyone else came out.

"Perverts!" the old lady yelled after us.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this," Stew shouted as we ran.

"Stop whining and just run," I replied.

This is also funny.






Okay, the story was cute. But that's it. There was no compelling plot; the way they lost their clothes and finding the lake were extremely generic. Except for running through town butt naked, the whole story was dull. You need to liven it up. I don't want to critique diction, grammar, syntax, etc. until you have a good plot to work with. Brainstorm ideas. I gave you a few suggestions off the top of my head, but the world is your oyster. It needs a lot of plot work.

I hope this critique helps! Let me know when you've revamped it, and I would love to come back and read it again