Proctor - Chapter 1

3 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 42
Reviews 368
Prologue



Argyle


“Gyle! Over here! Tis getting away!” the boy hollered and pointed excitedly to a frog. “Make haste!” he hissed, and then sprinted in front of the critter to hopefully block it from leaping into the tall grass.
Another boy, small and meek, waddled over to the voice that shouted at him. It was hardly conceivable that the two lads were a mere age a part, considering young Argyle, although a bit plump, he never stood much past his shoulders in the seven years they have known each other when the pair met about five.
Argyle pointed too, at the frog, which remained stationary – for now. “Alex, we hae nothin’ tae catch it,” he replied casually.
Alex briefly glanced up at the sky, wiped the sweat from his brow and then he crouched ever slowly, arms extended outwards and fingers curled; he was alert to the slightest movement if the animal decided to make a mad dash for freedom.
“Boot, Alex…”
“Shh…,” he cooed to his friend. “Ye scare it.”
“Ye shod hae nae left yur shirt on tha hill.”
“Shh!” Alex shouted angrily in a whisper.
He rolled his eyes in response and let Alex have his way. It was not so much that he knew Alex was as stubborn as an Ass, but more to the fact, the frog was sitting. Defenseless.
“Give me your kilt,” Alex said softly to the frog.
Argyle reacted by overlapping his left hand on top of the other and placing them in front of his crotch.
After a few seconds, Alex glanced up at his friend and immediately smirked. He could not resist, as the expression was just too delicious to ignore.
“Gyle,” Alex laughed, “ye blushing.” Then, he winked.
The grass suddenly rustled and crinkled. Alex snapped his attention back to the animal but it had already leapt away, safe and concealed in the field. He released a sigh but shrugged shortly after and pulled himself to his feet.
“Another time, perhaps.”
Argyle nodded and released a sigh of relief. He kept his hands in the same position in front of his kilt.
“Let us head back to the commons, Gyle.”
“Ye aw’ways sund sae propa.”
“It is my way,” Alex winked and then grinned. He cocked his head. “Are ye coming with me or not?”
“Da aw hae a choice?”
“No!” And with that final word, Alex snatched Argyle’s bonnet and sprinted off into the distance and then turned around and waved the hat to and fro in the air.
“Gav me bleedin’ bonnet ‘ack!”
Alex responded to the threat by placing the object on the top of his head. Deciding so, he reached up and repositioned the brim, allowing it to droop a bit, which covered his left brow.
“I quite like how it fits,” Alex smirked.
From his leather sheath, he pulled out a small knife, no longer than six inches. Carved into each side of the handle are thistles. He raised the blade up at about eye level and glared.
“Oh, my!” Alex said in a dramatic tone and put each palm on either side of his cheeks. His mouth formed an, O. “Do my eyes deceive me? Is young Argyle threatening me?”
“Ye ken Ah can’noot oot rawn ye. Pa-eez. Gav. Me. Bonnet. ‘Ack.”
“But it fits so well on my head,” Alex teased. He then turned around so now his back was facing his friend.
“Alex… Pa-eez,” he pleaded gently to him. “Me bonnet pree’ecks me frae tha sa’on beatin’ upon me sca’ap.”
Not a word.
“Pa-eez?” he asked once more and lowered his knife.
No answer.
“Ah wull come after ye, Ah wull! Wi’ me clan’s Sgian Dubh!” Argyle shouted when he realized he was to be ignored.
“Come and take it,” came the muffled voice of Alex. His tone was casual. There was not one trace of alarm in it.
He held the handle firmly in his right hand and then, Argyle charged! Alex, whose back was still turned, had no notion that his long-time friend was running towards him. Argyle’s squat legs pumped him as quickly as they allowed across the field. In his mind, he would never hurt anyone, at least not intentionally. He hoped though, with his knife, perhaps he could scare Alex. Oh, what great fun would that be, to see him hop higher than that frog!
Argyle tilted his head sideways a bit to conceal the faint smile that formed on his lips at the thought. He knew it was impossible for Alex to see his grin but in the event if he should turn about face, Argyle would rather that he witnessed his frustration – not amusement.
Screeching. Pained yelps. Screaming for help.
Alex responded immediately. Such cries can only be exemplified by true pain; the type where the magnitude is so acute, one never forgets. The very cause of the injury becomes a part of the person, figuratively and most certainly – literally.
He, being taller and built like a broom handle, Alex sprinted to Argyle’s hysterics and reached his collapsed body in a matter of moments. He dropped to the ground and gasped. The bonnet fell to the ground.
“Does it… hurt, Gyle?” Alex squeaked.
The sadness drains through me rather than skating over my skin. It travels through every cell to reach the ground. I filter it yet strangely enough, I keep what was pure and it is the dirt that leaves.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 233
I don't know why no-one has reviewed this yet- its really good! I loved the style of writing you used and the twist at the ending was great- I'm going to read the next chapter after I review this so I shall find out what happens next :D

It was hardly conceivable that the two lads were a mere age a part, considering young Argyle, although a bit plump, he never stood much past his shoulders in the seven years they have known each other when the pair met about five.


I'd say year instead of age (just my preference). I don't think you need the he before never stood and I'm not sure about the last part of the sentence. I can see that you're letting the reader know they're age with 'when the pair met about five' but it seems a bit tagged on the end. Maybe 'since the age of five' would fit better.

“Shh!” Alex shouted angrily in a whisper.


I'd change this to just whispered angrily.

He rolled his eyes in response and let Alex have his way. It was not so much that he knew Alex was as stubborn as an Ass, but more to the fact, the frog was sitting. Defenseless.


I think you should change He at the beginning to Argyle as Alex had just spoken so it looks like the he refers to him. I think the last part might sound better if it was rephrased a little to something like this- 'but more to the fact that the frog was sitting, defenseless.'

“Give me your kilt,” Alex said softly to the frog.


Is he asking his friend but looking at the frog? I'd make that clearer as I was a little confused at first as to why he was asking the frog for a kilt :D

Argyle reacted by overlapping his left hand on top of the other and placing them in front of his crotch.


'Overlapping one hand over the other' or 'overlapping his left hand over his right' might sound better.

“Gyle,” Alex laughed, “ye blushing.” Then, he winked.


I don't think you need the comma after then.

Argyle nodded and released a sigh of relief.


As you have just said that Alex released a sigh I'd change this a bit to either breathed or you could say about Argyle imitating his friends sigh.

“No!” And with that final word, Alex snatched Argyle’s bonnet and sprinted off into the distance and then turned around and waved the hat to and fro in the air.


I think this sentence might sound better if you put a full stop after distance and replaced 'and then' with he.

Deciding so, he reached up and repositioned the brim, allowing it to droop a bit, which covered his left brow.


'allowing it to droop a bit, covering his left brow.' might sound better.

From his leather sheath, he pulled out a small knife, no longer than six inches. Carved into each side of the handle are thistles. He raised the blade up at about eye level and glared.


You need to say this is Argyle as Alex was just talking- you could just replace 'he pulled out' with 'Argyle pulled out' so that its clear.

He then turned around so now his back was facing his friend.


I think this would sound better without then.

“Alex… Pa-eez,” he pleaded gently to him. “Me bonnet pree’ecks me frae tha sa’on beatin’ upon me sca’ap.”


I think you need to change 'he pleaded' to 'Argyle pleaded'.

He, being taller and built like a broom handle, Alex sprinted to Argyle’s hysterics and reached his collapsed body in a matter of moments.


I'd leave out the he at the beginning here.

Overall comments: I really loved this story so far! I think you have introduced the characters very well and it was funny to read Argyle's way of speaking. I can't really think of anything in general that needs to be changed- I've already got a vague image in my heads of both of them from your descriptions and you've managed to show how they talk without directly saying so. I noticed quite a few times that you would put 'he' when it was a change of speaker or describing the others actions so you would need to say their name but that was it really.

Brilliantly done and looking forward to reading the next part! Hope I've helped :)
"Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries"
-Monty Python and The Holy Grail




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 42
Reviews 368
Oh! You've helped me by leaps and bounds with your suggestions! There were a few things I was struggling with but I just couldn't figure out how to improve them. Every suggestion you pointed out were the things I was having trouble with!

But now, I can go back and change the little errors. Yay!

You've been very helpful. ^ ^ Much appreciated and good to hear I didn't bore you to death. :D Thank you.
The sadness drains through me rather than skating over my skin. It travels through every cell to reach the ground. I filter it yet strangely enough, I keep what was pure and it is the dirt that leaves.



You cannot have an opponent if you keep saying yes.
— Richard Siken