Elegy for Humanity

Gahks, I can truly say that I love your poetry now. Your opening line was a hook that reeled me in. I was captivated by every word, each line flowed smoothly into the next. Reading this got me into a kind of daze, playing the events in my mind. Simply, and grotesquely, marvelous. Just one tiny thing about this:

Lying with broken paws, eyes yelping in agony,

I'm not sure I like the yelping eyes. It doesn't seem right to me. Maybe you should change the verb to something more related to sight and vision? Of course, this is only my opinion.

That's all I could spot. I admit that I cheated a bit and my eyes flicked down to the ending (it was an accident! I swear it was!), but I wanted to know what happened in the middle. I love the imagery, and the message this conveys. It makes me remember the story about the group of kids roasting two puppies alive.

My favorite part definitely had to be this:

Today the tap in the upstairs toilet

Runs frustrated. I lose my head

In crackling blue flashes of coolness,

Breathe a hot sigh, and try to shut out

The animal in me over and over. I can still hear



The lieutenant’s blackened lips cry:

“Each enemy’s death is a victory for humanity!”

This is just so deep. A gold star for you.

I'm a fan, as usual.

The desert sun sears flesh and bone
With all the callousness
Of my human soul.

These first lines don't pull me in the way first lines should. As a reader I need something straightforward and interesting to pull me in. This opening sentence is too long and it's already incorporating figurative language. It's too much and it's too heavy ("callousness/Of my human soul" is just way too much) for the beginning of the poem.

We had him fed to the guns last night:

This, however, strikes me as a fantastic opening line, if you were so inclined to use it in that fashion.

You should have seen him, the poor bitch,
Lying with broken paws, eyes yelping in agony,
His tears mixed with sweat mixed with blood.

I was under the impression that "bitch" applied only to females, and so "him" doesn't exactly agree? I'm also not big on "lying with broken paws, eyes yelping in agony" because it seems like it's only there because you felt like you needed a description. This is not a particularly interesting description to me. I think there are better ways to describe despair and pain.

We didn’t need his confession to the gods:

This line is the second time you've ended a stanza with a colon. Is this intentional? I'm not sure I like it. I'm also not sure how it connects to the lines below it.

You could hear their screams
In the walls shot through with shell holes;
In the fluids coughed up on rotting mattresses;
In the dirt-sodden clothes dumped over
Frail little skeletons.

Not your strongest stanza, but it serves its purpose.

Today the tap in the upstairs toilet
Runs frustrated. I lose my head
In crackling blue flashes of coolness,
Breathe a hot sigh, and try to shut out
The animal in me over and over. I can still hear

I love this because it's a great shift not only in setting but in tone...I get a completely different feeling reading it, and it makes me uncomfortable but relieved at the same time. Very good. I wonder why the speaker loses his head "in...flashes of coolness." Normally when one loses one's head it would be described as "hot" as the "sigh" is in the following line. Is the contrast intended? I also like the way "I can still hear" is cut off by the stanza break--really good use of breaks there.

The lieutenant’s blackened lips cry:
“Each enemy’s death is a victory for humanity!”
But each sickening bullet-bite,
Each deathly hollow howl,

Is the speaker really hearing the lips cry, or is it the lieutenant crying? I get what you mean, and I know it's a figure of speech, but it threw me off.
I like "bullet-bite" and "hollow howl."

Reminds me of how empty
The old Creed has become:
The blind cult of slaughter for “humanitarian” causes.
That was what the Soldier was taught.

The first lesson a soldier has to learn
Is how to shoot an animal.

I don't like that "humanitarian" is in quotes. I think it makes the whole social-comment too obvious, and I think it could be much more subtle if the word were not in quotes.
Why are "Creed" and "Soldier" capitalized? It makes it sound like a science-fiction novel, which may be entirely intended...I mean, a lot of sci-fi social-comment writers make use of the emphasis on ideals in their novels about futuristic societies, blah blah blah. However. I think they should be un-capped...again with the subtlety.
I like that the last stanza is simple, the way it returns to the beginning. Powerful but plain. Goody.

-Colleen

Gahks

hey!

Snoink

hola!

Gahks

alright?

Snoink

all right what?

Gahks

are you alright? lol

Snoink

haha, yes, I am all right!

Gahks

say, could you do me a favour?

please?

Snoink

what is that?

Gahks

topic43346.html

it's my latest poem.

review please?

Snoink

...this is going to be pornographic, isn't it?

XD

I've... read this before?

Gahks

No!

Have you?

Snoink

have you posted something like this before?

Gahks

Snoink

You should have seen him, the poor bitch,

the contrast with "bitch" and "him" sounds weird

eyes yelping in agony,

this sounds funny and I don't quite like its position here

the paw imagery seems stronger

Gahks

resend...

um... bitch = female dog?

Snoink

yes

that's why the he doesn't really jibe for me

Gahks

he's comparing the victim to a dog.

an animal.

the speaker, I mean,

Snoink

I know

I am a somewhat smart reader, lol

my point is that the genders aren't lining up and it's annoying me

Gahks

lol

it's deliberate.

Snoink

I know

but the second time seems awkward

Gahks

when?

Snoink

His tears mixed with sweat mixed with blood.

just cut out "his" and it'll be fine

Gahks

oh k kl

yes, that's more effective.

asyndeton!

Snoink

hm?

this makes no sense:

In the walls shot through with shell holes;

Gahks

asyndeton is the lack of articles for effect.

opposite of polysyndeton.

Snoink

haha, okay

Gahks

"shot through with shell holes" refers to "The Charge of the Light Brigade"

"stormed at with shot and shell"

Snoink

except that make sense

Gahks

but it sounds nice, alliteration etc.

Snoink

when I can put a shell hole in my rife and shoot it, then it makes sense

Gahks

shells can mean bullets.

Snoink

But you don't shoot with shell holes

...have you ever shot before?

Gahks

shot *through* with shell holes

Snoink

no, that doesn't make sense

I shot through a wall with bullets.

Gahks

okay...

*shot through with shells* ?

but then line is too short.

Snoink

Yes, it is

again, have you ever shot?

Gahks

Shot what?

Bullets, no? Other unmentionables, yes/

Snoink

have you ever shot a gun?

Gahks

no! I'm bloody underage!

Snoink

Okay

shells are the stuff that remains after the bullet is shot

it is not actually the bullet

so that's another reason why it doesn't make sense

Gahks

hence *shell casings* on CSI

Snoink

exactly

Gahks

shot through with shell fire?

ah, ye gads. accuracy is not as important as poetic meaning, surely.

Snoink

um... yes, it is

Gahks

LOL

Snoink

when people analyze your poem in fifty years, what will the say then?

Gahks

That is, assuming they do analyse it in 50 years.

Snoink

isn't that the point?

Snoink

alternative words for bullets are "slugs," "ammunition," and "lead."

ammunition is lame

Gahks

yes.

too long.

wordy.

"shot through with slug holes"

sibiliance would work if we changed "shot"

Snoink

NO MORE HOLES

Gahks

LOL

Snoink

That doesn't make sense

Gahks

why not leave it and find some other bone of contention?

come back to it later?

Snoink

If you make it slugs, you can do a reference both to force (a unit of force is "slugs" in physics) and nature (the common garden slug).

Gahks

okay... but I don't see how I can continue the image patterns later.

Snoink

If you refer to lead, you can probably make it refer to poison and possibly bad leadership

Gahks

yay! we hate dictators.

Snoink

so you might want to make it lead

So!

Instead of: In the walls shot through with shell holes;

Maybe: In the walls shot with led;

er

in the walls shot full with lead

(just so it sounds prettier)

and seriously, you should be thinking about poetry this way, not trying to find easy ways out in the name of poetic license. XD

Gahks

XD okay, point taken.

Snoink

why do you have this stanza?

Today the tap in the upstairs toilet...

Gahks

it's a volta.

the shift in the narrative.

Snoink

but why, specifically

Gahks

the speaker turns from the events of "last night" to "Today."

the effect of last night's events on today is implied.

Snoink

why is he in a bathroom though?

that seems to be a nicety and it's very random for him to be in the battle and then in a bathroom

Gahks

rinsing his head under the tap

"trying to shut out / The animal in me over and over."

Snoink

I can see that, but I want to know why you have that setting

you have a battlefield and then a bathroom

it doesn't quite make sense

Gahks

no, the idea is:

the speaker is part of a battalion that discovered, last night, a known war criminal.

hiding in a house.

today, they're hiding in that same house.

Snoink

XD

let me be more specific:

In crackling blue flashes of coolness,

why blue? why is it crackling, and why is it cool?

Gahks

the water coming in "flashes", i.e. trickles.

the plumbing ain't working.

coolness is obv water.

Snoink

blue?

Gahks

water is blue?

the blue of sadness possibly?

Snoink

XD

blue flashes sounds like Harry Potter has stormed in and is doing magic spells

Gahks

LOL

Snoink

ESPECIALLY since the word "crackling" s attached to it

Gahks

MASS LOL

I can't believe we're treating such a dark poem so terribly humorously.

Snoink

XD

your word choice allows for it!

Gahks

*buries head in hands*

you'd never get away with that in a Literature exam.

Snoink

I can see why you would want this stanza, but that line just totally blows it

haha, yes, but you're asking for a critique

Gahks

are there any other Harry Potter faux-allusions here? lol

Snoink

Why "but"?

But each sickening bullet-bite,





And then you left.

The showdown will continue, I am sure.

;C I'm here, as I promised you, even though I should be doing my homework and sleeping! xD

I liked this poem a lot, but one thing that sticks out after reading it is the common-ness of the word 'animal'. The poem is so brilliantly constructed and the message is powerful, but 'animal' kind of lowers the tone, as we can associate that with a kitten or a cow or an ostrich, and not necessarily something /lowly/. Words like beast / worm / creature, something like that /might/ be more effective, though I'm not sure. It's really only my opinion. xD

We didn’t need his confession to the gods:

You could hear their screams

Hmm, this is the first place that really tripped me up. Because you used a colon, it makes it seem like we're hearing the gods' screams. Was that intentional? It's interesting, now that I think about it, because it brings the poem to a completely different level -- even the gods are screaming at the bullets and the dirt.

The blind cult of slaughter for “humanitarian” causes.

I also don't really like the quotation marks here, just because of the impression they give me. I mean, the phrase would be obviously ironic without them and I don't think you need them -- it kind of drives the point too hard and underestimates the reader's intelligence a bit, maybe? ^_^ I like the message here though. xD

That was what the Soldier was taught.

The first lesson a soldier has to learn

Is how to shoot an animal.

This is a pretty good ending for the poem -- it brings the meaning out clearly. I don't know, however, that such a clear and obvious ending is what this beautiful poem deserves. Or maybe it's just the word 'animal' that is making me feel like the ending is simple. ;C I don't really know.

Today the tap in the upstairs toilet

Runs frustrated. I lose my head

In crackling blue flashes of coolness,

Breathe a hot sigh, and try to shut out

The animal in me over and over.

I have to say that this is by far my favorite stanza, mostly because of that first line. Fantastic, Gahks, really fantastic! ^_^ I think you might expand on the color though -- red animal, maybe? Just another color to pair with the 'blue', contrast or otherwise. xD

Again, amazing work! <3

-Hannah-