I loved the contrasts made between darkness and light, i loved the imagery used. This poem was very deep, but i also agree with xanthan gum that the ending was too repetitive.
Real poetry are those with the best words in the best order
I really do like this.. it's strange, yes, but not bad strange, ya know?
However. I loved the way you used the words, but presentation seemed a little off to me.. line breaks seemed to subsitute for commas. I only bring this up as you used puncunation in this, so it didn't seem right to me.
you were dead and gone
before I found you
sprawled in a Romantic heap
on the sand (but still dead). morbid. I love this.. "romantic heap" is great
I tried to breathe some love
into your darkness
playing God the only way I could; with words,
lighting pictures in your empty mind.
but you cant read, or
you couldn’t understand
things I said went too deep, and I
thrust you under.
you were gone as surely
as the creeping tide.arg.. ok. I can't mark this up how I want to, so please bear with me on this one ok? eh.. can I just play with how you did this? don't hurt me! *cowers* I hate it when people do this with my stuff, but it's easier to just show you what I'm thinking rather than try and explain it.. ok?
I tried to breathe some love into your darkness playing God the only way I could; with words yes, I like colour.. here you could put a period, comma, or nothing. just a thought, er, another one from the peanut gallery lighting pictures in your empty mind. not sure about empty.. maybe a different adj.? but you cant read, or you couldn’t understand not sure about can't.. I kept reading this as "couldn't" both times for some reason.. things I said went too deep, and I thrust you under. you were gone as surely as the creeping tideDoes that make any sense? The lines seemed better not broken up so much, to me.. and other than that just a few words, and I only nit-pick so much because I love your work.. well, that and no one else has
yes, you were dead and gone
before I found you maybe move this line up with the previous? dragged down by the undertow
seaweed tangled in your hair.same with this line as the above.. I couldn’t understand why
you were missing eh.. same thought I could revive you with a kiss
like an old, cheesy movie - but I Love how you ended this stanza.. jsut the "but". I can't decide if I like it as it, or with the next stanza.. what do you think? I keep reading it different ways.. arg.
you were dead and gone, dead and buried, (opt., really.. like the the comma after the last "and" in a list.. dead and long forgotten. you were dead and gone
and I was far too late. I like the repetition lots, actually. but.. um.. can i play? please? Just ignore me if I get too over-the-top.. I added in a bit of puncuation in red (as it's easier to see..
*takes deep breath* gods! I didn't mean to go so in-depth here... but this nagegd me until I did.. know what I mean? I love your writing, m'dear, and this is no exception. I rather like it more than other pieces, actually. Was this done early in the morning/late at night? Excelent work, as always.
Cheers! Bek
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.*** (Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)
Medieval Lit! Come here to find out who Chaucer plagiarized and translated - and why and how it worked in the late 1300s.
I dont know when this one happened, Mesh, so I cant add to your theory of bubbles-writing-better-when-she's-out-of-her-head-with-exhaustion-ish-ness-whatever...LOL. Which, you know, is really...I'm not sure how to take that idea, LMAO.
I've said it before & I'm sure I'll keep repeating myself until someone agrees - this is a weird poem. I dont know where it came from or how it happened; I remember vaguely the lines "dead and gone" jumping into my brain and wresting control from any logical thought....then nothing...MUAHAHAHAHAA....I"M A POD PERSON!....yeah, OK, you'll have to excuse me. I think I may have eaten too much chocolate. Plus, it's almost midnight. Again. Anyways, I'm rewriting once more....
Drowned
you were dead and gone
before I found you
sprawled in a Romantic heap
on the sand (but still dead).
I tried to breathe some love into your darkness
playing God the only way I could; with words.
lighting pictures in your empty mind.
but you can't read, or you didn't understand:
things I said went too deep,
and I thrust you under.
yes, you were dead and gone before I found you
dragged down by the undertow,
seaweed tangled in your hair.
I couldn’t understand why you were missing;
thought I could revive you with a kiss
like an old, cheesy movie - but
you were dead and gone,
lost and long forgotten.
you were dead and gone
and I was far too late.
---
WHAT BLOODY OTHER WORD CAN GO INSTEAD OF CHEESY? It's 11:30pm and I'm really, really sick of that word. Ack. I cant sleep now. WHAT ELSE FITS? WHAT ELSE??????? [crazy-person-eyes] Argh!
I loved this poem. I couldn't stop reading it over and over. Another thing thanks for critiquing my first poem on YWS. I needed it!!
If life gives you lemons.................make beef stew!!! If someone is taller than you............stand on something so you can punch them! lol thats an inside joke so if you don't get sorry.
