Drowned

Drowned

you were dead and gone
before I found you
sprawled in a romantic heap
on the sand (but still dead).
I tried to breathe some love
into your darkness
playing God the only way I could;
with words,
lighting pictures in your empty mind.
but you cant read, or
you couldn’t understand
things I said went too deep, and I
thrust you under.
your stiff limbs reached out to hold me
but the warmth was missing
life was gone as surely
as the creeping tide.
you were dead and gone
before I found you
dragged down by the undertow
seaweed tangled in your hair.
I couldn’t comprehend why
you were missing
thought I could revive you with a kiss
like an old cheesy movie
but
you were dead and gone
dead and buried
dead and long forgotten
you were dead and gone
and I was far too late.

I think this is the weirdest thing I've ever written, and thats saying something. Another warm-up poem. Beat it down with sticks, people!

I liked this one too.

life was gone as surely
as the creeping tide.

Loved that. And the whole thing is really interesting. Sorry, no stick-beating. But very cool poem.

Lovely, just lovely. You made effective use of repetition.

'Like an old cheesy movie" clashes a bit with your more profound imagery.

Wow that is too incredebly awesome for words and stick beating.. I LOVE IT!!! Cant really tell you why, apart from all the imagry, and atmosphere, and the dark, haunted mood.

Wow, thanks ppls. I have to admit, I'm kinda fond of this poem

I like this too. Its... interesting, but I like it. I don't know how to describe how it makes me feel. Again, interesting... hmmm.

Ok, this is a really awesome poem, but there's just one thing that kinda bugged me.

before I found you
sprawled in a romantic heap
on the sand (but still dead)

You have all this amazing description in the poem, so the word "romantic" doesn't really seem to fit. Some people would say it this way "$50 word... $55 word... $49 word... $10word... $50 word..." You're poem is so beautiful, you don't even need to say that this person is sprawled in a "romantic" heap. The reader already has that in their mind.... but minus that (if you like it, ignore me and keep it in there, it wouldn't ruin the poem by any stretch) I love it. Awesome!

I really liked this, even though it seemed kind of dark... sad... not really sure how I feel about it exactly, but I do like it.

I tried to breathe some love
into your darkness
playing God the only way I could;
with words,
lighting pictures in your empty mind.
but you cant read, or
you couldn’t understand
things I said went too deep,

I really liked this section. The image of someone frantically trying to "breathe love" into darkness (the 'your' here is particuarly effective for whatever reason). "Playing God... with words..." I really liked that too... augh, this really is my favourite section. It's so beautiful. Amazing.

There were a couple of parts that seemed sorta 'off' to me... like this one:

"as the creeping tide.
you were dead and gone
before I found you"

Neither my mind nor my eyes were prepared for the jump back to the "you were dead when I found you", so maybe you could put a break there.

All in all, good work. Very good work.

Quick little history lesson...
The "Romantic" period in history is defined as being a time when art was meant to spark the imagination, and appeal to the senses. So I think a "romantic" heap works just fine here, though I do see Gale's point.

Secondly...

your stiff limbs reached out to hold me
but the warmth was missing

I didn't respond well to these lines... they just seemed a little young and melodramatic.

Third, you insert some humor (the line about old movies, and "but still dead") into your poem, but I can't tell if it's intentional or not...

that's all.

AO

weird, yes, but i like it!! its a little darker than what i usually like to read, but its really good and seems to come sraight from the heart.

Random editing time! Whee!

Drowned

you were dead and gone
before I found you
sprawled in a Romantic heap
on the sand (but still dead).

I tried to breathe some love
into your darkness
playing God the only way I could; with words,
lighting pictures in your empty mind.
but you cant read, or
you couldn’t understand
things I said went too deep, and I
thrust you under.
you were gone as surely
as the creeping tide.

yes, you were dead and gone
before I found you
dragged down by the undertow
seaweed tangled in your hair.
I couldn’t understand why
you were missing
thought I could revive you with a kiss
like an old, cheesy movie - but

you were dead and gone
dead and buried
dead and long forgotten
you were dead and gone
and I was far too late.

----

I still think this is the weirdest thing I've ever written. I cant even begin to figure out where I was coming from

i LIKED it it had the flow very nice i liked this bit

I tried to breathe some love
into your darkness

excellent :thumb: w00t

Well, you may not know where you were coming from, but it sure makes perfect sense to me! Many of the phrases you used hit close to home, haha, and even if you didn't have the same experience, it really reminded me of mine.

Normally that would not be a good thing, but something about the way you worded everything made it sound like an admission--"I tried my best, did what I could, but it wasn't enough."

In any case, enough with my ramblings. Great work, Bubble--the flow was great, weord choice awesome, and just the right amount of repetition. Nicely done.

This was a bit too repetitive near the end, but I loved the beginning. I also belive you need to replace the world "cheesy". I mean, I use it all the time but I'd avoid it in a beautiful poem like such - one of sands and dead bodies. There isn't room for the word "cheesy" there.

^ Agreed. Nice poem, definitely - but a leetle tweeking needed.