Crash

The noise of crunching metal, the stench of burning rubber, the taste of noxious fumes in the air. I could see the clouds of white smoke rising up in front of me and feel my insides churning with fear.

Do I have your attention now? Good, because you’re in for the ride of your life. Literally.

It started on a day like any other. All stories do. It’s just that days like any other seem to be more exciting for some people. Like superheroes with special powers, of fire fighters. But I digress.

An ordinary day was about to become extraordinary. But who is the judge of extraordinariness anyways? Is it who the extraordinariness happens too who decides, or the onlookers? Either way this was extraordinary. But I’m off topic again. I’ll get to the point.

Today there is going to be a car crash.

I know, I know. There’s probably at least of those a day somewhere in the world, what makes this one different? The answer? Nothing. Unless you’re a part of it. And it’s my job to stop you from being a part of it.

I’m going to do this because I’ve been there already. I heard, smelled, tasted, saw and felt what it was like. I know all there is to know. At least I think I do. Maybe. And even if I don’t I sure don’t want to experience it again myself, I don’t want you to have to experience it either.

If you don’t know yet how this random person has popped up in your car I just want to tell you that I’m dead. Gone. I’ve met my maker and decided that I’d much rather help out you folks then go to heaven or something like that. I can do that later, but right now this is more important.

Because right now you have two choices in front of you. Well actually, you probably have more than that, like whether or not to pick up a burger on your way to work or whatnot, but what I mean is that you have two choices that pertain to what I’m saying.

You can either drive safe or die.

It sounds like a bit of a stretch doesn’t it? But I’m dead, and trust me, it’s not a long one. Because I can sort of see how this day of yours is going to turn out, and that really is going to be a crucial choice for you.

I know you’re going to die sooner or later, everyone does. But how long your life is going to be is up to this, it’s up to you, right here, right now. Sounds easy right? Pick to live. But it’s not quite that easy.

Because there are a lot of things that affect your driving, road conditions, other people on the road, how much sleep you’ve had, whether or not you’re distracted by a cell phone or whatnot. It’s hard to remember each and everyone. Hard, but importan---

WATCH OUT!

You know what, never mind all that stuff I was saying. It seems you’ve already made your choice. Oh, and when you see the big man up there, don’t tell him I tried to help you out. It would really hurt my reputation.

Hey, cooldude.

WATCH OUT!

This is just a nit-pick, but I just think this would look better If it wasn't all caps. I think italics would look cleaner, and they would still have the same effect.

Description - Not too bad. You started out very strong; the introduction was wonderful. You used sight, smell, taste, sound, and feel, all correctly and all in a way that the audience can picture clearly. The hook was great: "Do I have your attention now?" If readers weren't paying attention before for whatever reason, they certainly will now.
Back to description.
This story did a bit more 'telling' than 'showing'. topic41911.html
That is a great guide to help you out. I highly reccomend checking it out.

Grammar/Vocabulary - Excellent! Really, really fantastic. I am pretty much guaranteed to automatically enjoy anything that has a well-rounded vocabulary, and I enjoyed this very much.
Grammar, however, was a little questionable in just a few spots. For instance, there were one or two sentences that began with 'because'. I know that when writing, we sometimes tend to write in fragments because we often speak in fragments. However, that's still not an excuse. I'm going to let the sentences beginning with 'but' off the hook, simply because 1.) I occasionally use that as a sentence starter 2.) you used the expression "But I digress". I have never read another post on this site that used that term (apart from myself), so that in itself is great.

Tense - There were several points in the story where you switched tenses. For instance, you begin the story "An ordinary day was about to become extraordinary." Then, you change your mind and begin "Today there is going to be a car crash." The first was an example of past-tense, and the latter was present-tense. Since the ending of this is in real-time, the whole story should probably be in present tense.
It really does help to read through what you've written a few times once you're finished, that way you can catch simple errors such as this.

Characterization - The narrator was a great character. His/her voice was consistent, and very down-to-earth (no pun intended). Even though we're not given any direct information about the narrator other than he died as a result of a car accident, we are able to get to know him through his actions and explanations. His casually informative word choice was well-written. It made him seem real and relatable, and the ending especially demonstrated how (despite the fact that he's dead) he's just a normal guy.

Overall - This was fantastic. An ironic, dark twist at the end that still managed to come off as comical; something I could think of being done by Edgar Allen Poe or Flannery O'Connor. This is the kind of story that people remember.
If you have any questions or comments, please PM me.

*Gold Star*


~anti-pop

As I have told all one or two other people I have reviewed I will not give that in depth of a review. It's just not in me and I apologize for that. But I can give some thoughts and overall impressions on it.

Definitely catches your attention from the beginning. Doesn't seem to build on that but carries it through the whole story which seems to be enough to me. Also does a good job of describing, the crash at the beginning. The main character/narrator seems a little odd but being that s/he is dead and all I think that is allowable. My main gripe would be this: It sounds like something they would have you read in drivers ed. The entire story seems to be wrapped up in "drive safe". Which is fine but a little boring if you ask me. Nice writing though, keep up the good work.

cooldude19967 wrote:The noise of crunching metal, the stench of burning rubber, the taste of noxious fumes in the air. I could see the clouds of white smoke rising up in front of me, and the feeling my insides churning with fear.

Do I have your attention now? Good, because you’re in for the ride of your life, literally.
It started on a day like any other, all stories do. It’s just that the days like any other seem to be more exciting for some people, like superheroes with special powers, of fire fighters, but I digress.

An ordinary day was about to become extraordinary, but who is the judge of extraordinariness anyway? Is it who the extraordinariness happens to who decides, or the onlookers? Either way this was extraordinary, but I’m off topic again. I’ll now get to the point.

Today there is going to be a car crash.

I know, I know. There’s probably at least one of those a day somewhere in the world, what makes this one different? The answer: Nothing. Unless you’re a part of it, and it’s my job to stop you from being a part of it.

I’m going to do this because I’ve been there already. I heard, smelled, tasted, saw and felt what it was like. I know all there is to know. Atleast I think I do, and even if I don’t, I sure don’t want to experience it again, and I don’t want you to have to experience it either.

If you don’t know yet how this random person has popped up in your car I just want to tell you that I’m dead, gone. I’ve met my maker and decided that I’d much rather help out you folks then go to heaven, or something like that. I can do that later, but right now this is more important.

Right now you have two choices in front of you. Well, actually, you probably have more than that, whether or not to pick up a burger on your way to work or what-not, but what I mean is that you have two choices that pertain to what I’m saying.

You can either drive safe or die.

It sounds like a bit of a stretch doesn’t it? But I’m dead, and trust me, it’s not a long one, because I can see how this day of yours is going to turn out, and that really is going to be a crucial choice for you.

I know you’re going to die sooner or later, everyone does, but how long your life is going to be is up to this, it’s up to you. Right here, right now. Sounds easy right? Pick to live, but it isn't quite that easy.

There are a lot of things that affect your driving; road conditions, other people on the road, how much sleep you’ve had [b]the previous night, whether or not you’re distracted by a cell phone or any other electronic divice. It’s hard to remember each and everyone, hard, but importan---

Watch out!

You know what? Never mind all that stuff I was saying earlier. It seems you’ve already made your choice. Oh, and when you see the big man up there, don’t tell him I tried to help you out. It would really hurt my reputation.

Overall: I think the idea of this piece was clever, but you really should've described the settings and characters besides having the narrator rabble on throughout the entire story, maybe that's how you wanted the story to be, maybe not, but it would make it tons better if you put describe things more, especially the person the narrator is speaking to and how they respond to him/her.

Thanks all of you for your review.

Anti-pop
I really appreciate the depth you put into this, it helped a lot. I think I agree with you an the watch out, and will look over the parts where I use because to start a sentence. I think I was trying to do this telling, but I've seen enough reviews and said that same statement enough times that I'll definitely check out that guild and re-look over my story for it. thanks for the notes on tenses, it was originally written in the past tense, but then I took a whole new track and switched it. I must have missed some. And other than that... I appreciate the praise as well as the criticism, it's always nice to hear someone like your work.


EmmViePi
I don't mind that your review isn't in depth, seeing it actually reminds me of my own reviewing style! I just appreciate you taking the time to send your thoughts to me. The reason it was wrapped up in "driver's ed" as you call it, was because I subitted it for tnme22's activism contest, so I re-wrote it from what I had to it that a little bit. Still, I'll take a second look and see ifI can't fix that.

KikiSaysRAWR
I apologize, but I'm not quite sure what to make of your review. I'll certantly take a closer look at those spots that you bolded, but I'm not sure quite why you bolded some of them, whether they were good, or there was a grammar mistake or the flow was bad. Still, I will look over them, and appreciate your taking the time to look at this. I was going for a really short story, but I don't see the harm in trying to expand it with characters and that, in fact, it's an idea I hadn't though of and I rather like the idea... Thanks!

I guess everyone else has done the nitpicks. Mine will be more subtle.

Do I have your attention now? Good, because you’re in for the ride of your life. Literally.

I loved the first paragraph. It got my attention immediately. This was disappointing to me, because even though it shows voice, it does not fit, and it sticks out like a sore thumb.

An ordinary day was about to become extraordinary. But who is the judge of extraordinariness anyways? Is it who the extraordinariness happens too who decides, or the onlookers? Either way this was extraordinary. But I’m off topic again. I’ll get to the point.

"Extraordinariness"? That is not a word. Of that I am sure. I don't even know how to pronounce that. Maybe . . . find another word?

The part "But I am off topic again." I think you could change that to "Don't worry," and then put the two sentences together to form: "Don't worry, I'll get to the point.

Today there is going to be a car crash.

Wonderful bluntness. I love it.

There’s probably at least of those a day somewhere in the world, what makes this one different? The answer? Nothing. Unless you’re a part of it. And it’s my job to stop you from being a part of it.

Actually, somewhere in the world a car crash occurs every five seconds. Yeah, I know. Wacky. And the last sentence: perfect. So far this has been a mixture of sadness, mystery, and narration. The last sentence here makes it dark.

If you don’t know yet how this random person has popped up in your car I just want to tell you that I’m dead. Gone. I’ve met my maker and decided that I’d much rather help out you folks then go to heaven or something like that. I can do that later, but right now this is more important.

Wonderful way of putting it. The only thing that bugs me is the last "but right now this is more important." It kind of spoils the idea that the MC's dead, you know?

You can either drive safe or die.

This is very good. Two choices. It's a no brainer. This is something that would come in handy for a Don't Drink And Drive assembly at school. Hmm . . .

It sounds like a bit of a stretch, doesn’t it?

Just added a comma here.

I know you’re going to die sooner or later. Everyone does. But how long your life is going to be is up to this: it’s up to you, right here, right now. Sounds easy right? Pick to live. But it’s not quite that easy.

Just made a new sentence there at the beginning, put in a colon, and emphasized the "here" and "now" with italics.

[s]Because[/s] There are a lot of things that affect your driving: road conditions, other people on the road, how much sleep you’ve had, whether or not you’re distracted by a cell phone, alcohol, or whatnot. It’s hard to remember each and everyone. Hard, but importan---

You seem to start a lot of sentences with "because" so I took that out. Added a colon, added "alcohol" for the sake of being thorough.

WATCH OUT!

You know what, never mind all that stuff I was saying. It seems you’ve already made your choice. Oh, and when you see the big man up there, don’t tell him I tried to help you out. It would really hurt my reputation.

Very good. I like this a lot. I think the capital letters for "watch out" fit perfectly. Italics and bold wouldn't do it. The last paragraph is good as well.

OVERALL: Excellent voice. Just a few punctuation problems and some words, but other than that, this was pretty well rounded. I hope I was helpful

~Sunny

Thanks so much for your advice 299397. It looked very usefull and I will definetly apply a good bit of it. One question, exactly how did the first bit that the narrarator says stick out? I couldn't really see it, but if it does then that's a big no-no. Thanks again!

That was a really nice peice of writing. I loved the tone of the narrator, friendly and cheerful. If this was meant to be a depressing peice, I didn't feel particalarly depressed by it, but I don't think I was meant to. I loved the beginning, very engaging for the reader. And, honestly, I have a bad concentration span.
I could be really panickity, but I see everyone else has done that. I loved it It would be nice to see yiou do a really descriptive peice...see what you come up with.
Really good.

I'm rather new at writing, it's only interested me other than school work since this September, so I'm afraid I don't know what you mean by a "descriptive piece". I know what description is, and this sounds like a really interesting idea, but could you expand a bit more please? By the way, thanks for your review and praise.