To the death: Prologue

I decided to add this to the beginning of my story. I edited from the reviews I had gotten do far, Here it is:

“Come over here, dear daughter,” said a dark looking woman, motioning for her eleven year old daughter to sit down, “I have news!”
“Good news? What is it?” She asked eagerly, as she sat down on a black armchair, her blond, perfect hair bouncing.
“Splendid, darling,” drawled the mother.
“Cassandra the great,” she said, cringing, “ has fallen.”
“Oh, that is splendid! That must mean that the new potential ruler has come of age! Our family might finally be able to take over the land!”
“You have just turned of age, dear girl. It might be you.”
“Oh mother! Th- that’s wonderful.”
“It might be our chance to spread our,” she sniffled “evil, as they call them, ways. But one small fact I must share with you, darling”
“What?” said the girl. Her eyes were filled with apprehension.
“Her granddaughter, “ she sneered. “has turned of age too.” That fact seemed to bring down the excitement in the room, as they both slumped down a little in their seats.
“Oh, but mother! Haven’t there been rumors that she doesn’t even know what she is?”
“Yes, dear one, but that doesn’t make a difference. Family member are usually the ones who become the ruler. And that, is why I have a quest for you.” The daughter’s eager eyes flew wide open. She had never had a real quest.
“I-I-I-I’m honored!” she stuttered. Her whole body was shaking with excitement.
“Glad to hear that, darling” the mother said, caressing her daughter’s cheeks. “You have to torture her, torture her till she commits suicide. That’s the only way to stop it from happening, dear one.”
“But, mother, she doesn’t know what she is! I’ll have to go to a school for norms!” she exclaimed. She didn’t seem to care one bit about having to kill.
“You’re already enrolled.” The mother enticed, smiling darkly. “You’ll start tomorrow, goodbye.”
“I’ll be going now,” she beamed. “And, nothing can stop me!”
There was flicker of blue light, and suddenly, the girl had vanished.

Haha, oh dear! This is going to end badly. XD I mean, she'll probably end up befriending the poor girl she's supposed to torture, and her evil mother would be so disappointed! Haha, the mother is very evil though, you know?

Anyway, it's definitely a fun start! As far as an actual critique goes, right now, there's a lot of dialogue and not much else. I can imagine the characters because this is a weird story and I'm very good at imagining those things. However, not everybody can be like me. I suggest that you add some description in between!

This article explains it better than I can.

Anyway, good luck with this story! Tell me when you post more. <3

Thanks for the review, though you're waaaaaaaaaaay off on what happens next. The daughter is evil, it turns out later, and the main character, another girl, is tainted by her and sort of "runs away", or kidnapped could be another way to put it.

Boy, aren't I confusing? Once I finish that part it'll get less confusing. It's starts off realistic fiction more than fantasy, then turns into all fantasy. I did post some of the next part, it's somewhere. And other people have commented on talkativeness, I need to fix that. Thanks though.

“Come over here, dear daughter,” said a dark looking woman, motioning for her eleven year old daughter to sit down, “I have news!”

“Is it good?” She asked eagerly, as she sat down on a black armchair, her blond, perfect hair bouncing.

This doesn't make sense to me. The mother stated that it was good news. Maybe she should've said something like "Good news? What is it?"
- - -

“Oh mother! That, that’s wonderful.”

This should be a stutter. "Th-that's wonderful!"
- - -

“Yes, dear one, but that doesn’t make a difference. Family usually the becomes the ruler, don’t you know that? And that, is why I have a quest for you.”

Wha...? I think its supposed to be: "Family members are usually the ones who become rulers."
- - -

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:
Well, Snoink liked it. But as she said, you can kind of guess the plot line. That isn't the problem though. With so much dialogue, I didn't know what to do basically. It's a good start, I'll keep my eye on it, etc,. etc,. But, I think that even for a prologue, I was a little thrown off. Maybe you should've had someone's thoughts in there, to explain how they feel. I dunno, it's your story.

A few gramatical errors, a few awkward scentences, and thats all I could come up with.

LaReina!

Wow, that is one evil mother. That poor girl is gonna get tortured. But anyways...

There was a lot of talkign, as mentioned above, and I thought there wasn't enough description. Like Snoink said, try adding description. I also noticed this:

“Splendid, darling.” Drawled the mother.

Shouldn't it be: "Splendid darling," drawled the mother.? You should have a coma at the end instead of a period. Just a very typical error.

This was very interesting though and I can't wait to read the next chapter. It is a little weird but everyone knows weird is cool.

LaReina wrote:

ld
Well, Snoink liked it. But as she said, you can kind of guess the plot line. .

Nope, the thing is that what she guessed isn''t right.
It's explained earlier in this topic.

Heyy, here is your promised review!! I haven't read the above reviews, so sorry if I repeat anything =D...

Vivacious wrote: “Come over here, dear daughter,” said a dark looking woman [instead of stating that she's a 'dark looking woman', describe it instead!! Show instead of tell!! (: ], motioning for her eleven year old daughter to sit down, “I have news!”
“Good news? What is it?” she [there are two 'she's in the room - to avoid confusion cut down on the use of the pronoun, but as their are no names yet, just say whether it's the girl or woman talking - we'll know the difference =D ]asked eagerly, as she sat down on a black armchair, her [s]blond,[/s] perfect blond hair bouncing.
“Splendid, darling,” drawled the mother.
“Cassandra the great,” she said, cringing, “ has fallen.”
“Oh, that is splendid! That must mean that the new potential ruler has come of age! Our family might finally be able to take over the land!”
“You have just turned of age, dear girl. It might be you.”
“Oh mother! Th- that’s wonderful.”
“It might be our chance to spread our,” she sniffled “evil, as they call them, ways. But one small fact I must share with you, darling”
[Up to this point there is wayy to much dialogue - condense it down with desciptions/thoughts/feelings...]
“What?” said the girl. Her eyes were filled with apprehension.
“Her granddaughter, “ she sneered. “has turned of age too.” That fact seemed to bring down the excitement in the room, as they both slumped down a little in their seats.
“Oh, but mother! Haven’t there been rumors that she doesn’t even know what she is?”
“Yes, dear one, but that doesn’t make a difference. Family members are usually the ones who become the ruler. And that,[delete comma] is why I have a quest for you.” The daughter’s eager eyes flew wide open. She had never had a real quest.
“I-I-I-I’m honored!” she stuttered. Her whole body was shaking with excitement.
“Glad to hear that, darling” the mother said, caressing her daughter’s cheeks. “You have to torture her, torture her till she commits suicide. That’s the only way to stop it from happening, dear one.” [All of this is happening a bit fast and is slightly rushed - slow the action down and tell us more about the characters and where they are, because at the moment everything just seems a little too vague and rushed]
“But, mother, she doesn’t know what she is! I’ll have to go to a school for norms!” she exclaimed. She didn’t seem to care one bit about having to kill.
“You’re already enrolled.” The mother enticed, smiling darkly. “You’ll start tomorrow, goodbye.”
“I’ll be going now,” [that seems like a strange reply to the mother saying goodbye to her - it sounds like she never even heard the mother say it. I f you want to keep this bit of speech, get rid of the mother saying goodbye and it'll flow a little better] she beamed. “And,[delete comma] nothing can stop me!”
There was flicker of blue light, and suddenly, the girl had vanished.

Overall Thoughts
This was quite a good prologue, but I thought that it sounded a little rushed. To improve this, work more on your characters - develop their emotions and individual differences through this chapter, and also work on your descriptions - I had no image of where they were and what kind of room they were in. So, close your eyes, play the scene out in your head like a movie and then write what happens using your four senses: see, hear, touch, taste and immediately the scene will come alive and will be very vivid to your readers, but be careful not to overdo it too. So, if you improve on those two things it will make the prologue seem less rushed and will improve it even further!!
I really hope this review helped you out; good luck on this piece and keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx

Hey, Vivacious

I'm here to review! lol The bold parts are your writing and the underlined parts are the things I have changed. I tried to help with dialogue and stuff and point out some character things

“News? What news?” She asked eagerly, as she sat down on a black armchair, her blond, perfect hair bouncing. - My mum always told me that to make dialogue more believable you should use things one character says in a line in the response in the next line. For example if I said “Look at that tree over there!” The next line might be “What tree?. I hope you understand lol Here I thought the daughter jumped too far when she said “Good News?” People generally ask what type of news it is first.

“Splendid news, darling,” drawled the mother. “Cassandra the great,” she said, cringing, “ has fallen.- Why is the mother cringing here if the fact that Cassandra the great has fallen is a good thing? I don’t think the word Cringe really fits here.

“It might be our chance to spread our,” she sniffled “evil, as they call them, ways. But one small fact I must share with you, darling”- I don’t really like this dialogue. It just seems a bit awkward and forced. Perhaps she could say something like – “This could be our chance to return to power!” the mother’s eyes flashed dangerously “However, there is one obstacle standing in our way.”

“Her granddaughter, “ the mother sneered. “has turned of age too.” This brought a halt to the excitement that filled the room. They both seemed to sag a little in their seats.- I just rearranged the sentence slightly and added in a few more descriptive words. I also added the mother because there are two women in the room and you keep saying she, it starts to get a little confusing.

“Glad to hear that, darling” the mother said, caressing her daughter’s cheeks.- I just think that you use darling a bit too much, I think the reader understands that the mother has affection for her daughter. “You have to torture her, torture her till she commits suicide. That’s the only way to stop it from happening, dear one.” - I think that if these two are that evil they wouldn’t make the girl torture herself till she committed suicide, they would just kill her. Unless of course it is a major plot point lol

“But, mother, she doesn’t know what she is! I’ll have to go to a school for norms!” she exclaimed. She didn’t seem to care one bit about having to kill.- I like this it sort of shows how much this girl is like her mother and how ambitious they are. It’s funny I just translated a scene from Macbeth and this sort of reminds me of it. Macbeth and Lady Macbeth are so ambitious that they are prepared to kill the King to get power. I think this is similar to your story. It shows that you are sure of your characters natures and personalities.

“You’re already been enrolled.” The mother enticed, smiling darkly. “You’ll start tomorrow, goodbye.” - Perhaps the mother could turn away from the daughter and then say goodbye. So something like – “You’ll start tomorrow,” The mother turned away from her daughter “Goodbye.” – I think it kind of adds another dimention to the mother. You know, does she really care about her daughter or does she just want the power and the glory? I think you hinted about that anyway during the prologue.

“I’ll be going now,” she beamed. “And, nothing can stop me!”- I didn’t really like this part of dialogue. Perhaps she could say something about making her mother proud.

Overall
I like the beginning of this story, you give us information but not too much so it doesn’t feel like an info dump. We begin to see this weird dynamic between the mother and daughter and I think that dynamic is interesting and perhaps something you can carry on in the rest of the story. You hook the reader through the fact that the daughter is being sent to kill this girl! You want to know what is going happen and whether the daughter will actually go through with it. I’m also intrigued as to what the daughter actually is, does she have special powers? Or is she some type of fantasy being?

Hope it wasn't too harsh and that I helped! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want any help. I'll get to the other parts soonish

Bex x

You are a gifted writer.
about as good as Stephenie Meyer.
I wanna know what's gonna happen next!
I hope I'm as good as you!

Hey, you probably don't even remember asking for a review because it's taken me so long to get around to this but it's always nice to have comments, even on old work, yes so here you go:

Catchy Introductions

You should think very carefully when you're writing your first paragraph because this could be the reason someone decides to read/ put down your book. A common urge is to start with dialogue but to be honest, you're better introducing the scene with description or a little background information and then throw something in there that's going to hook your reader. Maybe describe where the daughter and mother are, describe the atmosphere of the room, possible tensions between them and then give us a hint of where the plot's going to go. A not-so-secret glint in the mother's eye as she crooks a little finger at her daughter or focus on an object in the room that might play a part later: an empty, ripped open envelope sticking out of the bin. Something that has intrigue and adds interest.

Dialogue and Character

You've got what could be an interesting plot building up here but your characters feel flat and one sided. You need to think about your dialogue and consider every word used; what makes dialogue natural? Some people have a tendancy to over-use certain words or to hesitate or to use conjunctions. Give your characters little personal quirks in the way they speak, start to build their own personal styles. Then consider the realism. Is this how a daughter and mother would converse? It's too informative, too much is for the benefit of your reader. Don't be afraid to leave some lines unexplained, it will give a touch of mystery to the prose and keep the reader interested in finding out more.

Description and Atmosphere

What you're lacking here is the steady pace of true prose. You have very little description and atmosphere. Sure this is a scene with evil, nasty characters but the reader won't feel involved if they can't visualise it, feel the tension in the air and hear the malice in their voices. A good way of adding atmosphere to a scene is to consider the five senses. What can be heard, felt, smelt, tasted and seen? If you'd like any more help with this, send me a pm and I can link you to an article that's pretty handy.

I hope this helps a little!

Heather xx

I think your writing is good but it was kind of confusing, i mean, who are these people?
Why are they evil?
Why do they want to kill this other girl?
What are these people?
Where are they?
You also didn't describe very much. All you wrote was them talking and just a little description, that's definitely something to focus on.
Is there a motive behind their want to kill this girl?
Who is Cassandra the great?
Why did she fall?
How did she fall?
What does it mean,"Cassandra the great has fallen"?
Just work on those things and give us a little background on these people and then, I think, you're good to go.

I think blond, perfect hair should be perfect blond hair. It gets rid of the comma and makes the sentence flow smoothly.

Apart from that, the dialogue was a bit confusing in the beginning. The rest was understandable, though.

It's pretty good.