Night visitor part 4

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Thanks again for everyones reviews! I've written some more on her room and looks, if some of this doesn't make a great deal of sense (some things said by Filo) don't worry because I will be explaining in the next two parts :D Please give any comments and ways to improve, enjoy!
Oh and a note for all those I haven't told- this is NOT a vampire story :)


She’s a match.” Zahra sounded triumphant, her face alight. “We’ll move on her tonight.”

*

End of part 3

The man at the counter leaned forwards to study her face closely. “Anything the matter love?”

Holly shook her head and smiled weakly at him as she pushed a mars bar onto the counter.

He raised his eyebrows, obviously unconvinced. “That’s 40p.” As Holly handed over the money and stuffed the chocolate into her pocket he opened his mouth as if to add something. Holly turned and quickly walked out of the shop before he had the chance.

As the door closed behind her she lowered her head and strode down the street. Her shoulders were hunched and the quick beat of her pulse thrummed in her ears. She focused on the safe sight of her feet and only glanced up every now and then to check she didn’t walk past her house.

There’s no-one there, there’s no-one there, there’s no-one there…

She dreaded the sound of footsteps, her whole body was on edge.

Holly saw her door. She swiftly ran up the steps, her hand already retrieving her keys from her jacket. She stabbed at the lock but it wouldn’t turn.

Work, come on work!

As she heard the click she shoved her weight against the door, stumbled inside, and pushed it shut behind her. She wasted no time in relocking it and sliding the chain across.

There had been no doubt about it; the boy she had seen had been the same one she had been trying to refrain from thinking about these past few days. The same boy she had been glimpsing at every turn.

Before she had tried and tried to convince herself he wasn’t real; that he was nothing but a figment of her imagination. Now, how could she deny it? Her options were limited: she was going crazy or he was real. She didn't feel particularly warmly towards either choice.

Ok, so if he’s real…

What did that mean? That there was ghoulish teenager following her? If so then he had been inside her house, watching her. That wasn’t a pleasant thought.

The chocolate in her pocket didn't seem so enticing now, her hunger was long gone.

Holly woodenly climbed the stairs and entered her bedroom. She pushed her chair in front of the door and lent heavily against the wall.

She gazed about her. There was nothing strange about her room, it looked normal. A couple of her discarded tops from that morning lay crumpled on the floor. Her work was scattered on the mattress before her with an assortment of pens, pencils and books piled on top of one another. Holly could see that nothing had been moved, it was all the same. If anyone had been in here they had not touched a thing.

A waste paper bin in one corner, spilling over with wrappers and torn out pages from notebooks, caught her eye.

Holly focused on a screwed up piece of paper that had fallen from atop the pile of rubbish. Frowning, she walked over to it and scooped it up, opening it and smoothing out the crinkles against the table.

“See you soon.”

Her eyes widened and the paper shook as a tremor ran through her body.

Of course!

It was so obvious- how could she not have made the connection before? A wave of nausea swept over her as she felt all the pieces click into place. This stalker was the same person who had come to her on that strange night, or at least someone who had something to do with them. It was all centred around the same event, maybe even the dreams were a part of it. Holly had been looking at all the disturbing incidents individually, she hadn't once taken a step back to see the whole picture.

She felt cold, shivery. Holly shakily moved to her bed and clambered under her duvet, still clutching the note in one hand. Her books and pens tumbled to the ground but she didn't care. Pulling the covers up around her chin, she held the paper close to her eyes, trying to find some sort of explanation in the script.

She remembered rolling it into a ball and tossing it into the bin, determined to ignore all things she could find no explanation for.

Why were these odd things happening to her?

The helpless feeling that accompanied the questions she asked herself was horrible. Holly had no control, nothing she could do would stop this.

Why me?

*

The house was dark, but that was no problem.

The floorboards would creak, but that was no reason to worry either.

There was only one resident in the house. Even from the bottom of the stairs Filo could hear the gentle breathing of someone in deep sleep.

He allowed a smile to play along his lips. This would be easy.

Glancing over at Joseph they shared a grin of excitement- the thrill of the job.

“I’ll go first and get a hold of her.” His voice was a whisper and barely audible. “You follow afterwards, we don’t want her waking from your clumsy footsteps.”

If Joseph could have blushed he would have at Filo’s snide remark. Instead he nodded and watched as Filo virtually floated up the staircase. His feet were so light on the carpet, so quick and graceful, that he gave the illusion of flight.

When Filo reached her door it took some control for him not to burst in and grab her. That wasn’t how he worked; he was the ghost not the troll- he was artful. The door could be pushed just right, at the right place with the right force and the right speed. He always got it right. The chair wasn’t an issue, it almost toppled but his delicate hand gripped it before it touched the ground. Lightening reflexes.

He could see the top of her head, brown hair spilling out from beneath the duvet to fall across her pillow.

Quietly, he didn’t want her to wake yet, he leaned over her and gently pulled back the cover to reveal her peaceful face.

She was pretty, just as he remembered. What luck that she was a match, she would be the new host. And not just any host- it was a privilege to provide the body to such a powerful spirit. Not that she would think that.

Enough dawdling.

Taking a small white pill from his pocket he slipped it into her mouth, his touch so subtle and soft that she felt nothing. He knew she would soon. The pill would take effect in less than a minute and the putrid taste could wake the dead.

He gazed down at her as the moments ticked by, inspecting every feature of her face. She was young so no wrinkles creased her skin. There were no cuts or bruises either. Her nose was relatively straight, not perfect, but then perfection was overrated. He could see a scattering of freckles across her cheekbones and frowned slightly. They would go.

Her eyelids fluttered as the tablet started to dissolve. She coughed and rolled over. Then coughed again. Her eyes flew open and she sat up choking, hands raised to her throat.

“Shhhh, don’t worry you’ll be asleep again soon." Filo soothed. "Joseph?”

The beat of his heels on the floor before Joseph entered caused her to swivel round. She couldn’t speak, her senses were overpowered by the acrid tang of the chemical on her tongue. She was slowly turning red and her eyes watered.

“She’ll be out in a little bit, have you got the cloth? I’ll hold her hands, you cover her eyes.”

Holly was still spluttering and staring in terror at the two intruders before her. She struggled to squirm away from his touch but he held her firmly with a grip of iron around her wrists. A strip of fabric was tied around her head as she jerked and coughed, trying to toss her head from side to side to escape her assailants cold fingers. Her head already felt heavy as if it had been stuffed with cotton wool.

She wanted to scream, she wanted to hit- but she couldn’t. And the darkness was closing in…


*

Thanks for reading! :D
Last edited by Pippiedooda on Sun Feb 01, 2009 6:21 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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I really can't say anything more...:smt038 It was great! Keep on writing, and thaanks for PMing me with the new part!
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Wow.
I'm still totally confused, and I'm not too good at reviews.. >_> But
that
was
awesome. :O
You have to pm me with the next part ! Please oh please oh please !! xD You have such a great talent, I'm already addicted and on edge.
Write more soon ! xD
“Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.” - William Wordsworth

"A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."
- William Shakespeare


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Oh and a note for all those I haven't told- this is NOT a vampire story


Yay!

I have to say, this piece actually seems a bit more polished than the last. I don't really know why. It feels like it's been thought through a little more. Maybe it was just because the last bit began with us being told about the dreams and the boy in the mirror, but not a lot of stuff happening? Not sure. But anyway! Good stuff.

Neither choice did she feel particularly warmly towards.


This sentence is a bit clumsy like this. I think it's passive ... but I could be wrong. Like, "the ball was thrown by the boy" instead of "the boy threw the ball". The second one is more engaging. What you basically have is "neither choice did she [like]" Yes? Ok, what you want is something active. For example, "she didn't feel warmly towards either choice". Something along those lines.

Holly woodenly


Holly wood ... get it? Haha. I am so funny.

She gazed about her. There was nothing strange about her room, it looked normal. A couple of her discarded tops from that morning lay crumpled on the floor. Her work was scattered on the mattress before her with an assortment of pens, pencils and books piled on top of one another. The duvet was sky blue, she generally wasn’t someone for colour but her dad had given it to her one birthday and she’d grown fond of it, now stained as it was with coffee and ink. Her plump, white pillow cases against the hue gave the impression of fluffy clouds.

A small side table of oak stood beside her bed with her mobile and alarm clock upon it. Shelves of the same wood were fixed above it containing dog-eared books that lent against one another. Every now and then they were propped up by a small ornament of a dog or a cat- presents left to her in her Grandma’s will. The only other piece of furniture was a large wardrobe, slightly lighter in colour compared to the shelves and side table. It filled the opposite corner with a mirror down one of its doors and a band poster on the other.

There were only two photos hung on the walls- one of Holly and her dad taken years ago, and the other a group picture of her friends from the last summer. A waste paper bin was beneath it, piled high with wrappers and ripped pages from notebooks.

Nothing had been moved, it was all the same. If anyone had been in here they had not touched a thing.


This is an info dump. You've taken a little break from the action (action in this context does not mean "car chases and scary things and stuff", it means "people doing stuff and trying to sort out their problems") to tell us stuff that is, when you get right down to it, not that important. It's just a bunch of info that has been dumped into the middle of the story. On the whole, dumps are not very interesting to read. You've disguised it a little by having her look around her room for something out of place, but it's still an info dump.

I mean, a little description is a good thing. You do need to paint a picture of everything that's happening, after all. But it's not so good if you do it with an info dump. What you need to do is, well, basically what you've been doing up until now. Describe things in relation to what's going on. The basic example is with hair colour, instead of stating:

"Kimberly had straight blonde hair."

You say:

"Frowing, Kimberly brushed a strand of blonde hair from her face."

Or whatever. You get it. I'm a little confused though ... I thought you'd been doing fine with working description into action up until now. I mean ... here's your hair colour descriptor:

He could see the top of her head, brown hair spilling out from beneath the duvet to fall across her pillow.


Someone told you to describe her room in a critique, didn't they? Ok. That's fine. It would be good to hear a little more about her surroundings. Is that why you dumped though? Because you thought you needed a big description on her room? All you really need is a few details here and there. She can check her room to see if anything's out of place, but if she does you don't need three paragraphs on it.

It was so obvious- how could she not have made the connection before? This stalker was the same person who had come to her on that strange night, or at least someone who had something to do with them.


... did she really only just work out that there was a connection? I was under the impression that she was considering all the things connected, even if she blamed them on bad dreams or her imagination or something. I mean, it's a pretty big coincidence that she starts seeing a creepy stalker-like person the day after she has a "bad dream" (or whatever she's convinced herself of) that she's been attacked/hunted in her own house.

The house was dark, but that was no problem.

The floorboards would creak, but that was no reason to worry either.

Only one resident was there. Even from the bottom of the stairs he could hear the gentle breathing of someone in deep sleep.

He allowed a smile to play along his lips. This would be easy.


I like this start for the second section! A wee bit creepy. Grabbed my attention.

However there's one sentence that seemed clumsy, and threw me out. "Only one resident was there" would sound better (in my opinion) as "There was only one resident there" or "The house only had one resident" or "He could here only one person breathing, and knew she was alone in the house". Or something. Just a suggestion.

He gazed down at her as the moments ticked by, inspecting every feature of her face. She was young so no wrinkles creased her skin. There were no cuts or bruises either. Her nose was relatively straight, not perfect, but then perfection was overrated. He could see a scattering of freckles across her cheekbones and frowned slightly. They would go.


This has dump-ish qualities, but I think it's fine. I actually liked it. You've kept it short, you tied it in well with him looking at her, and the description is interesting because it had this idea about her changing soon (with the freckles). Also you said her nose wasn't perfect, which was far more interesting to read than if you'd said it was. Perfecion is overrated! Hehe!

“Shhhh, don’t worry you’ll be asleep again soon. Joseph?”


Perhaps you need some form of break between the first bit where he's whispering to Holly, and where he calls to Joesph? It sort of flowed together for me, and I was confused and thought for a second that he was saying that to Joseph. That might be just me though.

The beat of his heels on the floor before Joseph entered caused Holly to turn around.


The "his" confused me as "Joseph" was mentioned afterwards, I immediately assumed it was Filo instead. Also "turn around" sounds like something you do if you're sitting or standing, not lying down. She's still lying down right? She rolled over just before.

About the pill ... I like the idea. Very cool. And just that little bit sinister, being drugged in your sleep. However. Why didn't she just spit it out when it woke her up? Even if it's partially dissolved, she hasn't really swallowed any of it. I don't know how much you'd swallow in your sleep.

And. Is it just being used to knock her out? Or does it have other affects? I hope other affects, because if they just wanted to knock her out it would have been easier for them to a) get her with a needle of something that would knock her out, b) use chloroform, c) hit her.

She wanted to scream, she wanted to hit but she couldn’t and unconciousness approached…


This seems a little ... underwhelming. "Unconciousness approached" is a bit ... dull. It's the "approached" really. It's not a particularly urgent word. Usually you're pretty good with dramatics when it comes to starting and finished sections.

And I think that might be a run on sentence as well ... either use a full stop instead of a comma, or put another comma after "hit". I think that should fix it. (if other people tell you differently, listen to them)

General Impressions Of Everything So Far:

I would have thought it would take longer to get to this point. I would have expected there to be more story inbetween the first bit where she is hunted, and this bit where they return. I wouldn't want to see it filled up with ... fluff. I would expect the plot to be moving forward. I mean ... is her ordinary life going to play a part in this story? Because right now we don't know a lot about it.

I mean, you could have had another bit in there where she sees her friends, parents, anything. Being stalked by the boy (Joseph, I pressume) at the same time. Little scary bits. You know?

HOWEVER. I don't know your master plan. You may have this all thought out. Maybe her ordinary life isn't particularly important for the rest of the book. I don't know. At this point it's kind of hard for me to say things about the plot overall, because I don't know much about it. I'm just ... sharing my thoughts, I suppose.

I think what I'm trying to say is ... don't listen to me on this. I'm just trying to keep you thinking. You don't have to change anything, I'm not even advising you to change anything. I'm just sharing my ideas and thoughts, because discussion and thinking is good.

Ok? Ok. You're doing well! It's still very interesting.
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I can see it's been edited since the last person's comments. Okay, lets see if I can get past the creep factor and actually review this thing:

She pushed her chair in front of the door- for all the good it would do- and lent heavily against the wall.


The stuff between the dashes could be deleted. Right now, Holly thinks that the chair will keep her safe. You, as the author, knows it won't, and you choose to tell us. I think it would be more suspenseful to have us wondering how Filo will deal with the chair instead of telling us right here that he won't.

It was so obvious- how could she not have made the connection before? This stalker was the same person who had come to her on that strange night, or at least someone who had something to do with them. It was all centred around the same event, maybe even the dreams were a part of it. Holly had been looking at all the disturbing incidents individually, she hadn't once taken a step back to see the whole picture.


Something about "obvious" or it's related words gets to me. Maybe show us her breaking out in a cold sweat as she realized what's going on? Tie this into the MC to make it more... chilling. Like the rest of this piece.

Holly shakily moved to her bed and clambered under her duvet, still clutching the note in one hand. Pulling the covers up around her chin, she held the paper close to her eyes, trying to find some sort of explanation in the script.


This is all well and good, but where did the books go? You never mention them again, even though we know they're on her bed. Also, the chocolate. You neglect to mention that as well.

There was only one resident in the house. Even from the bottom of the stairs he could hear the gentle breathing of someone in deep sleep.


I find these lines a touch confusing. I confused "he" with "one resident" and thought that they were the same people. It's just a minor thing though.

The beat of his heels on the floor before Joseph entered caused Holly to swivel round.


This line here made me think you'd switched viewpoints. "Holly" is the main culpret. I'd replace it with "her" while still in Filo's viewpoint, since he doesn't know her name yet. Her name after the dialogue can stay though. Just delete "Filo" from that sentence and replace with "his."

She wanted to scream, she wanted to hit, but she couldn’t and the darkness was closing in…


Chilling, but a touch long. I'd rewrite this like so:

She wanted to scream, she wanted to hit-- but she couldn’t. And the darkness was closing in…

~

Soo, you're getting creepier. Some things I noticed-

Missing in action: You neglect both the books and the chocolate in this part. The chocolate isn't that bad, but since she got it to calm her nerves I'd think that she'd take a bite or two, maybe dropping it when she saw the crumpled note. The books are the main thing, as I mentioned in my nit-picks.

Info-dumps: You have some info dumps here, which have been mentioned in the review before me. A way to fix that is to tie all information into your MC and stay away from telling lines such as:


She was generally quite messy


You could stand to delete this line, since it doesn't have much relevance. It's also telling.

Other then that I found this to be downright creepy, and I am looking forward to the next part, if only so I can find out what happens! And just a request in advance: Please don't make her end up posesed. That would ruin it for me.

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Again I have been beaten to the editing... But it was great!! I love the story, I think I know what happens next... or maybe not. This story is so different from what I'm used to but I still love it! Thanks for adding more details!
How do ya like that box of papers?!



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