To the death: Chapter 1-Part 1

This may not be fantasy now, but it will be once I get further in the story. Just make sure you know that.

Please review! This is the revised version 4 or 5 (or some other number around that). If you think it's a little confusing, it won't be once I put up more.

Sorry if it's a little long.


Mortal Enemies. That’s what Alison Reed and Avril Perry, are. To the death, as I call it. They each would laugh if the other one died. Laugh their heads off all day long. And Avril is not the bad one here. Oh, no. Alison and her evil ways are the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to her. But, what do I know? I’m just her conscience, her uncontrollable conscience.
It was a dark morning, the perfect time for terrible things to take place. The first day of middle school, how exciting. Everyone was running around, trying to look for the right class. So far, Avril had gotten to all of her classes on time, so far. It was time for Math, her least favorite subject. Room 108, read the paper. Okay, she could do this, she thought. Avril walked into the room hoping she wasn’t late.
“Good Morning!” said a cheery plump woman. “I’m Mrs. Riley, and you are?”
“I’m Avril Perry, nice to meet you Mrs. Riley” she said. Avril was always the teacher’s pet type. She couldn’t help it. Avril put her hand on a desk, as if she was planning to sit there.
“Let me just look for your name. Just wait a moment . . .” mumbled the teacher. “Hmm, it doesn’t seem like your name’s here. Are you sure you’re in the right class?”
“Ohhh, um, let me check.” she looked at her schedule. A girl snickered. Was it that obvious that she had messed up? “I walked into the wrong room. Sorry!” There was giggling.
“Oh that’s okay April.”
The teacher gave her a friendly apologetic smile.
“Avril” she corrected. More giggling
“Oh, sorry, I hope I see you in one of my classes later on today.”
“Okay, see you!” she replied
“Good bye!”
Avril left the classroom, staring at her toes.
And I swear there was the same girl, cackling her head off, repeating Avril’s name, over, and over, and over again.
That wasn’t one of her best days, obviously. Sixth grade wasn't her best year, either. Catastrophes were known to happen quite often. All of course, caused by Alison. But, they really started getting suspicious at one point in the middle of December.
"As I've said a million times, you all have to study for the math tests." bellowed Mr. Fleming, the math teacher. "I will not tolerate for such behavior. Most of you didn't study." he added shaking his head.
“Cough, cough, Quinn.” said Clark, the class's biggest troublemaker.
“What?” said Quinn. His hands flew straight up in the air. Some of class started laughing.
“Quinn, it was you, and many other people. You should have expected it.”
Quinn's face turned scarlet, while Clark, and his minions, Brady and Dean, were chuckling silently.
“Clark! It was you too, in fact, you got one of the worst grades in the class.” stated Mr. Fleming. The class roared with laughter.
“Silence!” he started putting his finger up to his mouth. “We mustn't waste time. We barely even have 45 minutes.”
Not much else happened during that math class. Nothing Alison caused at least. Avril’s lucky that Math is one of the two classes without her. It was after the class that was the problem.
“Ha, Quinn, I hear you didn't study for the math test!” said Alison. How could she know that? Everyone had just left class!
Quinn blushed, “Yeah,” he said, smiling. Quinn shouldn't be smiling, grades are usually super important to him.
“But I have top grades, unlike you. That’s an accomplishment. Again, unlike you.” She said, motioning with her hands.
“Yeahh, thanks.” He responded. Mysterious, that is.
“Ohhh, Quinn, only losers with no future get bad grades.” Said Alison, as she walked away.
“Yep!” he said, smiling. He opened his locker.
“And you are one of them!” she added as she opened hers.
“That is so true!”
“Alison! What are you doing? One bad grade won’t hurt you! Stop torturing him!” interrupted Avril.
Quinn got out of his daze, and stopped to stare at Avril. I knew they both were thinking the same thing. And trust me, you wouldn’t like to do that. Quinn is one of the biggest losers of all time. Alison started smirking, and didn’t stop.
Alison is erratic in many ways, in Avril’s opinion. Of course, everyone else thinks she’s a sweet girl, everyone seems as if they are under a spell. It’s hard having no one feel your pain, or spending your life wondering whether you’re mental.
It was a week before the last day of school, at lunchtime. Clark, Brady, and Dean were putting on their annual end of the school year pranks. At a perfect time, on the lunch of the day of the annual standardized tests.
Maggie Scott isn’t your normal girl. Unless count a normal five year old. Because that’s how Maggie acts. A normal five year.
“Here she comes!” whispered Clark.
He, Brady, and Dean spilled some liquid on the floor beside them. Maggie was humming to herself while walking down the room. And of course, she wasn’t looking where she was going.
“Get ready!” whispered Brady.
Most of the sixth grade class was watching. Clark likes to make a show of things. And Brady is an extraordinary advertiser.
Maggie continued humming, and walking, and still humming. The whole grade held their breath. The humming came to a quick stop, which quickly turned to crack, and a scream.
“Oh, Maggie.” sneered Alison. “Clumsy, clumsy Maggie. Would you like a hand?” she asked sarcastically, holding out her hand.
“Oh, thank you!” she said in a dazed voice. She stood up.
“So what, you tripped on your feet?”
“I-I-I must have.” said Maggie stuttering. She fell over a little.
“Well, humph.” Alison finished catching her fall.
“Alison, why are you treating her so- so-so badly?” Interrupted Avril, again.
“Are you kidding? Everyone treats her that way, except Alison. She treats everyone with respect!” said Clark, emphasizing and stomping at the word 'respect',
“Are you crazy? Alison does it the most!” Avril said, looking around. She could feel all eyes on her, it probably wasn't a pleasant feeling.
But the real fight started in seventh grade. Crazy, crazy, Avril. If she had known what it would turn out to be, it would never have happened.
“Hello Class,” said her homeroom teacher. “Since most of you haven’t noticed, I would like to introduce the new student we have. Samuel Reynolds!”
Samuel Reynolds is shy, not the type that the whole school would go ga-ga about. Not your normal guy. Sam blushed furiously, as if he had been trying to hide himself.
“Sam, would you like to introduce yourself?” said the teacher. It’s obvious that Avril hates it when teachers do that. You could see it on her face. And anyway, it gives you no choice, and it embarrasses you in front of the whole class. She suddenly felt sympathy for this boy, deep, deep sympathy. So deep that it didn’t even feel normal.
“O-okay,” Sam said, still blushing. “Well, my name is Samuel Reynolds,”
“Obviously,” sneered Alison
“And, well, like most of you I’m 12. I just moved here from England, that’s why I have this accent . . .” he continued
“Aaaaaaaannoyyyyyyinggggg!” said Alison in a sing-songy voice. What was with her? Why would she do this? Why wasn’t the teacher stopping this?
“Thank you,” he said. That was weird. Why did he thank her for calling her annoying? “I’m interested in sports, hmmm, and umm, well I’m pretty normal, I guess. Oh! And you can call me Sam . . .”
“Boring, like usual.” Alison said to everyone, rolling her eyes.
“Yeah! Isn't he?” said Avril’s friend Lisha
“Totally!” said Olivia.
“Shut up losers!” said Alison
What in the world? Avril’s friends are kind people, get me right. And they are NOT losers.
“Quiet down class!” said the teacher
“My favorite food is pizza, I love the band 'Drooling Rabbit'.” He said, putting one hand down on his desk and leaning on it.
“I love the band 'Drooling Rabbit'” mimicked Alison, imitating his exact motions.
Avril was bound to put a stop to this.
“Alison! Why are you treating Samuel like this? Why are you treating my friends like that too? Why? Tell me, why? What does it do to you?”
The class stared at her. It was one of those moments where you thought the whole world was staring at you, waiting for you. Alison flashed her a pearly white smirk, which quickly changed to a pout.
“Samuel, I'm not treating you badly, am I?”
“N-n-no,” Sam stuttered, while he gave Avril a look that obviously meant she was insane. Alison turned to Avril’s friends.
“Olivia, Lisha, Kasey, I'm not treating you bad am I?” sneered Alison.
“No.”
“Nope.”
“Not at all!”
They all were staring wide eyed at her.
Alison smirked.
“You see Avril, you must of imagined it. Just goes to show that you shouldn't daydream in class.” snickered Alison, “What was it about? Tell us Avril, tell us!”
“Yes, tell us!” chimed the rest of the class. But their tones were different. They were kind. But then again, why would they want to know?
“Well I wasn't really--” she started
“You can tell us, Avril. Don't be afraid.” said a voice out of nowhere.
“Avril, it's me, Sam.”
Avril was speechless, absolutely speechless. Was it really him? What would make him want to know? How could I not have noticed his kindness earlier?
“Avril . . . I don't understand. Why did you think she was treating me badly? It's just, I don't know. How about you tell us the dream?”
But, why would he stick up for Alison?
“Oh, umm, I don't really know if I should t-t-tell.” she said. Then an idea sparked in her mind. She would lie. “Well, I did have this dream, it was about Alison, and I had a dream that I was, I was, maybe I shouldn't say this, she's right there.”
“Oh, you can tell us.” said Alison, smirking.
“I was burning you! In a pot!” she finished, as her hands flew up in the air.
“Avril! How horrible!” said Sam. “Why would you do that?”
She didn't know what to do. As soon as those words left her mouth, I knew they should have never been spoken.
“Ohh, uh, did I really say that? No, I meant burning her hair.”
The whole class was mumbling, obviously about Avril. “Avril, why?” They all said. Because to them, Alison was their friend.
Alison was crying, and kept smirking at her, both at the same time. I really didn't know how she was pulling this off.
“Sam!” She wailed, “Why do you think Avril would do this.” Smirk, smirk.
And the homeroom teacher, Mr. Randal, was just standing there, oblivious to the fact that there was a fight going on, until now. He walked up to Avril and Alison.
“Ladies, ladies. Please stop. What’s going on?”
“Avril is lying!” Alison wailed. Well it was true.
“Alison is constantly insulting everyone!” Avril added, wondering what would happen.
Not him too! “Alison is insulting everyone?” asked Mr. Randal
“Ohhh, uh, I really don’t,” she started. ” Okay, I know that this looks weird, but really I have good reason. I wasn't jealous or anything like that. Her,” she cringed, “kindness, didn't make me feel as if she were my enemy. . . It's kinda hard to explain, just bear with me okay! It all started in the sixths grade. . . It was a stupid fight, that Alison started.”
What had she done? Her impulse took over. There was a long, vast silence that took over the rest of the class period.
The rest of homeroom was awkward, probably because of Avril. And the rest of the day was boring and tiresome, for Avril.
“Avril,” said Sam at the end of the day. “I was going to forgive you, but then what about Alison? What do you have against her?” she didn’t respond. “Avril! You’re acting terribly!”
She started to cry. Those wouldn’t be the first tears she had shed because of Alison. And to make the horrible queue, Alison showed up the next day, clutching Sam’s hand. Sam never talked to Avril, again. He didn’t even glance her way. And Avril did the same. The difference was that she didn’t want things to be like this. She couldn’t help it. She was in love.

Sorry, but it's quite confusing. It's hard to keep track over who was talking and if Alison really was being insulting. If she was, why would everyone say she wasn't? And why did the teacher put off interfearing with the fight until it was really far in? And, I think you messed upo some names, when sam said that Alison was lieing. All together, it was qiute confusing, and I think you should clear it up, though the begining was quite well written.

Ok, it is finally edited! So please review. *kneals to the floor and begs*

Well, you kept all names nice and proper so I have one less thing to rant off about in this review.

Let's handle the key offending issue. The dialogue driven plot.

Granted dialog is the key to developing character personalities and driving the plot along, but you need to provide a healthy dose of description for exchanges and actions to go with the dialog and in between scenes to generate form. If you lack description and this flow you get something akin to 'Talking head syndrome' with characters being abstract personalities or sock puppets on a crudely constructed stage.

Try and break down each and every single action that would take place in the homeroom, play with the reaction of others and don't be afraid to spend several paragraphs developing the appearance of characters and the setting, even if it means a bit of info-dumping at the beginning.

Secondly, viewpoint. It is not third person so you are limiting yourself to what perceptions exist and need to basically double or triple the amount of description and internal monologues needed to break away from lack luster details which one would normally observe.

I say this to everyone who suffers with first person perspectives, try rewriting parts of it in third person and see how it works then make the call for yourself. You may be a bit young to recognize which flows better and why, (sorry its more of a late middle school and all of high school skill beaten into our heads in English), but even if it is as simple as making your job of writing easier and allowing more options, take it.

Third, the dialogue itself irks me. Granted people do talk as you have pointed out, but all of the added redundant verbs beat to death the obvious. Case in point:

“Ohhh, Quinn, only losers with no future get bad grades.” Taunted Alison.

The reader can already grasp that Alison is taunting and being a jerk. Adding a few hand gestures or some fake drama play offs can make Alison come off more annoying or plain evil by adding a few choice words.

Lastly, your prose is insulting to the reader. It reads exactly as if it was told by someone else as pure gossip in parts, offering little detail to place reader within the story. The whole piece, I thought I was outside the box listening to a rant about 'Today at school...'

Case in point:
-------
Quinn got out of his daze, and stopped to stare at me. What the heck? I knew we were both thinking that.

Alison is erratic in many ways, in my opinion. Of course, everyone else thinks she’s a sweet girl, but only if they knew.

It was a week before the last day of school, at lunchtime. Clark, Brady, and Dean were putting on their annual end of the school year pranks.
--------

Each one of these brief little lines could be expanded upon into their own paragraphs and the last may even be deserving of a few pages of prior examples for comedic effect! You simply tell us everything, rather then show by past example. This is a tough concept to get at times, especially in first person which is dependent on past observations like these and correctly playing on a delicate balance of show and tell and first hand witnessing.

Keep revising this and take it slow, your writing will continue to improve with practice and a healthy dose of trial and error. Don't get discouraged, it may take a lot of work, but you can do it if you try.

This is the review the you asked for...
Just some small mistakes I found, first up...

“Oh, Maggie.” sneered Alison. "Clumsy, clumsy Maggie. Would you like a hand?” she asked sarcastically.

You forgot to put a speech mark in here, just fixed that up for you.

“You see Avril, you must of imagined it. Just goes to show that you shouldn't daydream in class.” snickered Alison, “What was it about? Tell us Alison, tell us!” you put the wrong name in here, indicated in bold.

“Avril . . . I don't understand. Why did you think she was treating me badly? It's just, I don't know. How about you tell us about the dream?”

I don't think that you shout put both abouts' in the same sentence, It just sounds weird.

“Avril! How horrible!” said Sam. "Why would you do that?”

Again, you missed out a speech mark. I fixed that up there.

“Avril, why?” they all said.

they should be a capital.

that's all of the mistakes that I found. I think that the beginning was a bit subtle,you could maybe start off with her shouting, and then go on to flashback into the past.

”YOU KNOW WHAT, ALISON? I’M SICK OF YOU! I’M SICK OF EVERYTHING YOU DO! JUST GET OUT OF MY LIFE! PLEASE!” Would have been a much better first sentence than what you had. you could maybe engage the reader in conversation, something like...

”YOU KNOW WHAT, ALISON? I’M SICK OF YOU! I’M SICK OF EVERYTHING YOU DO! JUST GET OUT OF MY LIFE! PLEASE!”
Okay, I know that this looks weird, but really I have good reason. I wasn't jealous or anything like that. her (insert character description) didn't make me feel as if she were my sworn enemy... It's kinda hard to explain, just bear with me okay! It all started in the sixths grade...

anyway, other than that it was really good. Can I just have a guess at what might happen? Please??!?!?

[spoiler]Alison is really a magician or something like that, and she can read peoples minds and put thoughts into their heads? or maybe she can mind control/brainwash people? Am I close?

(i read alot of fantasy/science fiction BTW)[/spoiler]
Oh, and I also think that the "I was in love" part was really blatant, you should just take that out and work it into the next couple of paragraphs.

Thankyou for asking me to review for food, which can be found HERE

Other than those nit-picks and pointers, I enjoyed it, which is good for a person like me who wont go near the romance section unless it's written by Stephanie Meyer. PM me when the next bit is up, and I'll review it again!

HOPE THIS WAS OF HELP!

This was pretty interesting and I liked it, but yet I didn't like it. If that makes any sense. I was a little confused at certain parts. Allison was being rude and whenever Avril pointed it out, everyone said she wasn't. And wasn't Sam the new kid? Why would he be suddenly sticking up for a girl who he doesn't even know and who was being quite rude to him? Well, I cna't wait to read more. I just hope it isn't as confusing as what this was. I hope I wasn't to confusing as I tried to explain.

Here I am! Sorry it took a while, I was really busy this week.

This may not be fantasy now, but it will be once I get further in the story. Just make sure you know that.



Please review! This is the revised version. If you think it's a little confusing, it won't be once I put up more.


Sorry if it's a little long.

I would bold all of this, so it's clear where the story actually starts.

To the death. As I call it. They each would laugh if the other one died.

I would make the "As I call it" part of either of the sentences on the other side. Like either "To the death, as I call it." or "As I call it, they each would laugh..." But very interesting beginning. I like who the narrator is, it's really creative.

Avril had gotten to all of my classes on time.

I wouldn't use "my" it makes it confusing.

“Quinn, it was you, and many other people. You should of expected it.”

It should be "Should have"

Of course, everyone else thinks she’s a sweet girl, but only if they knew.

I'm confused, how could everyone think she's sweet if she was just blatantly making fun of Quinn?

Because that’s how Maggie acts like

That should be what not how, unless you take out the like.

Also, I feel like that whole thing with Quinn just kind of... ended. Like wouldn't Allison say something mean to Avril or something? That whole part just seems pointless...

“Alison, why are you treating her so improperly?” Interrupted Avril, again.

“Are you kidding? Everyone treats her that way, except Alison. She treats everyone with respect!” said Clark, emphasizing on the word 'respect'.

No normal sixth grader talks like that... Listen to people talk in casual conversations, it'll help you work on your dialogue.

“Boring, like usual.” Alison said to everyone.

“Yeah! Isn't he?” said Avril’s friend Lisha

Is Avril just like hearing her wrong all the time or something?

“Yes, tell us!” chimed the rest of the class. But their tones were different. They were kind.

“Well I wasn't really--” she started

“You can tell us, Avril. Don't be afraid.” said a voice out of nowhere.

“Avril, it's me, Sam.”

Avril was speechless, absolutely speechless. Was it really him?

I'm really confused. This makes no sense. There's no way an entire 7th grade class would want to know what someone was day dreaming.


Overall (If you don't mind me being blunt) I felt like it was sort of pointless and confusing. I mean, what was the whole point of the thing with Quinn, how come everyone said Alison was so nice when she was? Who was she in love with? How come Sam was supposedly shy, but he confronted Avril about calling Alison out for being mean?

Hope I helped, and I'm sorry if this was too blunt, but I felt like this was very confusing.

Sorry, the thing is that I tried to change it to third person right before I reposted it so some of it might be confusing, The reason that all of that mess (such as how everyone doesn't believe Avril, and the sticking up for a new guy is . . .
[spoiler]It's a fantasy, and Alison is evil, so she can make non magical people feel as she wants them to. The thing is that Avril is "magical" too though she doesn't know it, so those curses don't affect on her. The prologue sets you up for a different story, I know[/spoiler]
It'll all work out once I post more.

This chapter was quite confusing. I started trying to do a paragraph by paragraph review but then a lot of the same problems popped up and it all just got very very confusing. So I've decided to do an overall review.

I don't like the whole idea of the conscience narrator, it just made everything more confusing because I was never sure when it was the conscience that was talking or whether it was part of the scene. So I think if you continue with the whole conscience idea then you should make it more obvious when the conscience talks. Put page breakers in or put the conscience parts in italics.

You also seem to switch perspectives an a lot. I think you should either pick one perspective and go with that through out the entire chapter or make it more obvious whose perspective it is.

You introduce a lot of characters as well and a lot of them don't seem to have clearly defined personalities. It is also confusing for the reader if you introduce a large volume of characters all at once. I though Quinn was going to be a main character and then Sam came in and I just wondered why you used Quinn in that math scene because it made him seem like a main character.

Character wise, I didn't really get a sense of who Avril and Alison were. I don't feel sorry for Avril by the end of the chapter because I don't really know her. Partly because I was getting confused and partly because you don't put any clues in about her personality. Alison is at the moment a bit one dimensional, she just does this whole evil bully bit but I would like an extra dynamic to her personality to make her a more interesting character.

The introduction of Sam was quite odd, I didn't this whole thing where people were suddenly agreeing with Alison. Is it because she has mental abilities? and you don't get to know Sam very well before he is going out with Alison. Avril also falls in love for him very quickly for a 12 year old. Maybe it should happen more gradually. Maybe Avril gets to be friends with Sam and then Alison steals him away with her powers and this would probably hurt Avril more.

I don't mean to sound so negative. I think you just need to go over this chapter a few times and make the structure of it more clear and rethink some of your dialogue because a lot of that seems a bit forced. Otherwise I like the idea of Alison making Avril's life a misery. And I think this could be a good chapter if you give it a bit more work

Keep writing! I'll check out the next part of the chapter soon. I think this chapter could be fine as a stand alone chapter though! Pm me if you have any questions and need some help

Bex x

Eek! This is a bit confusing!

You're going to want to make it make a little more sense. I love your style because it romps around in a delighted way, but you have to have a wee bit more structure so that people understand you. Try limiting your perspectives a bit. Maybe you can focus on Avril and Alison more so we can get a better picture of who they are. Also, don't tell us that Alison is evil... make her do something evil. That way, we can realize for ourselves and hate her properly.

Hmm... there's some things that could be improved upon, but you certainly have lots of potential I've decided to do a line by line critique, as I feel it most appropriate due to the errors. Let's fix them

[quote]Mortal Enemies. That’s what Alison Reed and Avril Perry[s],[/s] No need for a comma after Perry. are. To the death, I think you mean were, as you then go on to say to the death, which indicates you were talking in past tense. as I call it. They each would laugh if the other one died. Erm... the diction and word order isn't quite right. Some of your sentences don't really make sense. The tenses here are mixed up, so we'll do another version here, 'kay:
[s]They each would laugh if the other one died[/s] They would laugh if the other died [b]Makes much more sense and is just generally more normal sounding. Laugh their heads off all day long. And Avril is not the bad one here. Oh, no. Alison and her evil ways are the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to her. But, what do I know? I’m just her conscience, her uncontrollable conscience. I do like the idea behind this, you just need to be careful.

Okay, I won't do anymore because I see a lot of the same problems repeating throughout. You have a lot of potential, just now I don't think you should worry about what we say, just write and keep experimenting with different styles. I like your dialogue, it's very realistic Just keep writing and don't worry too much about any problems. Just now is for you to have fun, later you can worry about making your writing perfect.

~Kirsten