Teotranee (wrking title)

Prologue

It all began in a small town called Tyrrae. With a girl named Teotranee, but we’ll just call her Teo.

Teo was just a baby when Neona found her under the stars in a grove of trees. Neona was the wife of the leader of a very peculiar circus, one that you will hear much more of later in our story. Neona was out strolling under the stars. She was just about to return to her tent when she heard a soft cry coming from the base of a very tall oak. She moved towards it with great caution, for it was dangerous for anyone from the circus to be out after dark, or out at all. But as she drew closer, she could make out a silvery blanket wrapped around a baby, with extremely dark hair, paper white skin and what looked like crimson lips. She picked her up and brushed her hair away from her face, and in the moonlight she saw the child’s eyes. They were very large and an astonishingly resembled a cat’s, but there was something in them… something that made Neona clutch the child to her chest and whisper a silent prayer. This girl was special. She was just like Neona’s husband’s circus, and Neona was very sure at that moment what she had to do. Her husband would not understand at first. Why did Neona need another child? They had three sons already. But Neona knew that this child, this beautiful small child, would be the answer to the curse that the members of the circus had endured for so long. Teotranee, would save them.

But it would take sixteen years for her to realize it herself.

Well, I'll be brutally honest, because I don't know how else I can help...

The whole work so far consists of the infamous writing mistake called "telling" and I don't say it that way to hurt you or make you think that you're a terrible writer. It's just how it is. There's not a real description of anything, and that makes it difficult to read. Just one paragraph with no pacing or anything.

You need to break out in the imagery; show us what the world consists of, and what the character is like. Characterization is very, very important as well, so definitely make sure you reveal more about the character in the future. Also, feel free to break up the paragraph into smaller ones occasionally, as that will have a stronger effect on your audience than just having one single solid paragraph.

With all of that said, the idea of a circus being involved is fresh; I haven't heard of something like that in a 'fantasy' story before, so that's good. Keep that kind of innvoted creativity in your work and that will really give it a boost.

Really, there's not much more I can say or do for you. Pm me if you want some specific examples of what you can do to improve this. Otherwise it would be wrong of me to just keep posting in this thread when others should get a chance to do so. Once again, I'm not trying to make you sound like a bad writer, I'm just trying to tell you that this needs some work on it.

Hi ya!!! When I first started reading this it was kind of confusing, because at first you were talking about some baby girl with a really long but cool name, and out of the blue this lady just appears in the story! So I was very confused, but after rereading it I figured out what you meant.


But as she drew closer, she could make out a silvery blanket wrapped around a baby, with extremely dark hair, paper white skin and what looked like crimson lips.

I love how you describe this right here. I mean honesty pure Guinness!!! I like how that you were able to paint a picture with your words for us about the baby's description. I could literally picture a little baby being held by a woman. But unfortunately you didn't describe the woman. I was kind of disappointed about that, unless she not a important character, then I'm sorry I bothered you about this.


She was just about to return to her tent when she heard a soft cry coming from the base of a very tall oak. She moved towards it with great caution, for it was dangerous for anyone from the circus to be out after dark, or out at all.


I like how you add this sentence in, it makes me want to read more. It makes it seem so mysterious, that you just have to find out more about it.

Over all I like your writing style, and I hope to see more of your writing.

I think this is a very good start. And like the person above me said, it needs some work.
I would suggest rewriting certain parts and giving us a clearer view of the world you are trying to create. I really love the style and subject so far and I can't wait to hear more about the circus part of it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue! PM me if there is anything that you are having trouble with, even though I am very new to this site, I would like to do anything that I can to help.
PM me when you have either added on or redone it! I would really like to hear where this story goes
Thanks a bunch!
~ Isi

my first thing i need to comment is that you must not say anything about your story. you must not tell the reader that this character will appear later becasue it will ruin the suspense and will no longer make the reader some will to read.

also, the plot and the events were done in a fast pace that there is no time for the reader to understand the idea in one part of the story. Try using details in each part. Try describing the setting. if it was in the woods, describe it and about the circus, if it is near one, try put some more description


also put some character deatil, there is no description of neonna and even if you tried to describe the baby, it was still not enough. you should describe her external looks and her internal looks. like how does she feel when she found the baby. Was she shock, surprise or felt no emotion.

Hey People! thanks for all the lovely feedback! i don't beleive that i am going to continue, for i have found inspiration elsewhere, thank you so much for helping me!
I hope you will read my later stories and poems!



~ Maggie R.

Psh, you suck, lol. This is a lovely beginning. It starts just like a fairy tale and it's oh so cute! And I want to read more. But noooooo, you don't want to write more. xD

Oh well. I guess we all can't have what we want.

See you around the forums!

(And next time, rate your work! )

Phoey! I was really interested in this! A circus is so awesomeI I haven't read practically nothing on a cirucs, and here I found one and you aren't even going to finish. This was excellent. Well, like Snoink said, we can't all have what we want. Hopefully you post more excellent work of your new inspiration. See ya around!