the deadly date;

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“Bye mom, love you!” the brunette said excitedly as she hugged her mother. “I’ll be home before 12. I promise.”
“Bye honey,” Her mother smiled, hugging her daughter. “and Marie, don’t let him take you to any parties.” Marie’s face froze.
“I wont, I promised Angela.” Marie whispered before she exited the house with one last wave to her mother.

Marie’s long brown hair flew out behind her as she raced towards the beat up chevy parked in the driveway. Her ballet flats slipping on the ice, her blue eyes stayed focused on his face. Her jeans switched slightly as she came to an abrupt hault before the passenger door. Her fingers closing on the cool hand she yanked it open.

“Hello beautiful,” His smooth voice greeted, a smile playing on his perfect face.

“Hello,” Marie replied breathlessly. She climbed quickly into the leather seat. “Ben,” Marie began turning towards him. “Where are you taking me?”

“I told you,” Ben replied, his green eyes glittering in the retreating Friday sun. “It’s a surprise.” Marie groaned. She hated surprises, and Ben knew that. Slumping father into her seat the thin 19 year-old switched on the radio. Marie smiled as a familiar song burst through the speakers.

"are you holding back? Like the way you do?” Marie began to sing in her high soprano voice. “Has it ever crossed your mind.”

“Marie,” Ben sighed, shoving his sleek brown hair from his eyes. “Could you turn it down?”

“Sure,” Marie smiled. She was always glad to do anything Ben asked. They continued the ride in near silence; the only sound in the vehicle was the soft rumble of music.

“Almost there,” Ben smiled, his teeth white against his tan skin. Marie sat up, her blue eyes scanning her surrounds. Cars lined the street, music pumped from a large red house at the end of the block. A party; She should have known.

Marie looked sadly down at her pale green shirt; it was one of her favorites. But she knew by the end of the night it would be ruined. “Ben, do we hav-“ Marie began before he cut her off.

“Yes. Come on, you’ll have fun.”

Ben threw the car into park and jumped out excitedly; Heading straight for the house. Marie groaned. So it was going to be of those nights. Sliding out of the chevy she slammed the door and advanced towards the pulsing house; the smell of alchohol filling her nose.

Closing her eyes memories ingulfed Marie’s mind, taking her back to a scene nearly a year ago. The night was cool, damp just like this one. She had been preparing for the party of her life. The night began innocent enough, it wasn’t until the 7th shot things went down hill. Marie snapped her eyes open, determined not to remember the worst night of her life.

The interior of the house was large and trashed, already. Speakers lined the wall of the immense living room that was packed with college students. Inhaling sharply Marie leaned against the wall, more vivid memories flood back.

The music shook the walls of the large house, Marie dancing with her best friend Angela. Angela was smiling widely, her long blonde hair swishing from side to side. The rancid smell filled the air, just as it did here. Angela screamed over the music, laughing hartly about one more mixer.

Marie let a single tear slide down her cheek before she pushed her way into the kitchen, where she knew Ben would be; His lips attached to a bottle of some sort.

Her shoes smacked the sticky tile of the kitchen as the music thumped through her vains. “Hell-low,” A slurred voice breathed behind her, a large hand grabbing her hip. “what er you doin all alone?”

“I’m not alone,” Marie stated firmly as she wrenched her body away from the drunken man. Shivering slightly at the creepiness of that experience, her blue eyes locked onto his muscular back. “Ben,” she muttered quietly.

“One more!” He was shouting, holding up a finger. Marie witnessed the “bartender” through together a mixer. She watched him poor 12 different alcholhic beverages into the red cup before handing it to Ben.

Marie gasped; the image of Angela’s quaking body flashing before her eyes. Her scream filling her own ears, the yell for help. “someone, help!” Marie shouted, trying to restrain her sezuiring friend. Marie blinked rapidly.

“Ben!” She shouted over the pounding music; but it was no use. Marie ran full pelt to his side and grabbed his arm forcefully. “Don’t drink that.” Ben stared down at her blankly, his green eyes already unfocused.

“Here,” He slurred, pushing the cup into her hands. “You drink it.” Marie sniffed the fowl smelling liquid, her danty nose crinkling. She glanced up at Ben. “Drink. It.” He commanded firmly.

“Ben, I-“ Marie began.

“Drink it!” Ben roared. Marie had forgotten how the smallest things could set him off when he was drunk. “now.” Lifting the cup to her lips she chugged the poison just to make him happy. Cheers echoed through the kitchen at the speed at which she drank.

“Beer pong anybody?” The “bartender” asked, his brown eyes boring into Marie’s blue ones. “A challenger for the young lady.” Hands flew into the air, eyes scanned her near flawless body. “You,” The “Bartender” said, pointing at a slender young man who looked about 17.

“I don’t wanna,” The young man said, putting his hands out in front of him. Marie shot him a thankful glance.

“Alright, fine,” The bartender grumbled before picking a new competitor. The man stepped forward, an evil smile on his face.

“I don’t want to play,” Marie yelled, stepping away from the granite island she had been leaning against. The two men who had been setting up the “court” froze.

“To bad,” Ben hissed. His strong hand closed in an iron grip around Marie’s forearm. Ben shoved her forward with alarming strength. Her stomach slammed into the hard surface of the island, knocking the breath out of her. “She’s playing,” Ben informed the watching crowd.

3 hours later Marie was grinding on the dance floor, a plastic cup in one hand, a bottle in the other. The music was making her head throb, and the room was spinning; but she didn’t care. Marie was trashed. Her hips swayed to the music; a stranger’s hands on her thin hips. Her favorite green shirt was soiled, beer stains covering the front.

Time had flown past. The dark was night, and the party was still going strong. All around couples drank, danced, and conversed. As the quick song came to an end Marie stumbled towards the bathroom, giggling slightly.

She reached the toilet just in time. Her stomach wrenched and the contents of the last 6 beers spilled into the porcelain bowl. Marie groaned and slumped onto the cool tiles. Her hand waved blindly around, searching for the handle to flush away the contents of the toilet.

BANG!

The bathroom door burst open, making Marie cringe. She covered her ears and slammed her eyes shut. “Mariiee,” Ben said looking blankly down at her. “I vanna get out’a hur.” He kicked her, causing himself to nearly loose his balance. “I’m guna go get ‘nother mixer. Meet meh at vhe carr.”

Marie moaned and got up slowly, willing the room to stop moving. She tumbled through the door, back onto the dance floor; looking for the door. Her clumsy feet tripped over the past out form of a small cheerleader. Marie fit the floor with a low thud before rolling and laying her head heavily on the once-white carpet. The thumping of the music flowed through her drunken vains, making her ache.

“ge’ up.” Ben commanded stumbling to her side. He kicked her once more before leaning down and grabbing her hand. “’mon.” Marie rose slowly, a hand on her head, a hand on her stomach. She wobbled unsteadily to the side door of the white Chevy. Her arms felt flimsy as jello as she yanked on the handle.

“beeeen,” She whined. “I can’t open it.” Ben hobbled to her side and yanked it open. Marie slumped onto the seat where she scrunched her eyes closed and clenched her jaw.

Soon the drunk couple was riding recklessly down the crowded interstate. Horns from passing cars wrenched at Marie’s skull. Her unfocused eyes stared out the window, blinking rapidly. Thoughts of Angela rushed through her mind.

“I promise, never again. Never.” Marie sobbed holding her best friends hand in a bright hospital. “No more parties. Ever.” Marie had known Angela couldn’t, wouldn’t, respond. It had been too late.
“Excuse me,” A white coated doctor muttered as he lightly pushed Marie aside; away from the ventilator. Marie watched in horror as Angela’s heart beat for the final time.


Marie gulped and wiped her eyes harshly. Sinking back into the numbness of the alcohol she had ingested Marie stared out the window once more. She was vaguely aware of the car beside them slowly drifting towards the Chevy. Ben was speaking an incomprehensible string was words from the drivers seat, his green eyes on Marie’s back. When he turned his impaired gaze back to the road, it was too late.

The meter was upon them. White and solid in the moonlight. Ben swerved quickly, causing Marie’s side of the car to slam into the cement. The horn of the beat up Chevy echoed on the highway, a body lying on the steering wheel.




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Wow- thats a great story! I really loved the whole storyline and the ending was really good, very exciting too!

There were a few spelling mistakes throughout the text and rather than picking each one out i'd advise using the spell checker. A few comments for possible improvement:


“Bye mom, love you!” the brunette said excitedly as she hugged her mother.


I don't think 'the brunette' is a good way to introduce Marie as you mention her hair later and its not the most important thing about her, perhaps you could replace it with she or another description.

Her jeans switched slightly


I'm not sure what you mean by this
Ben sighed, shoving his sleek brown hair from his eyes


I think a more delicate word than shoving could be used here such as brushed or swept.

Marie sat up, her blue eyes scanning her surrounds.


I think you mean surroundings

Marie stated firmly as she wrenched her body away from the drunken man. Shivering slightly at the creepiness of that experience, her blue eyes locked onto his muscular back.


when you say her blue eyes locked onto his muscular back it took me a moment to realise you ment ben, i thought you were still referring to the drunken man so perhaps you could say locked onto her boyfriends or dates back to make it clear who you're talking about.

It should be started instead of stated and i think that experience should be the experience.

Time had flown past. The dark was night, and the party was still going strong. All around couples drank, danced, and conversed. As the quick song came to an end Marie stumbled towards the bathroom, giggling slightly.


I liked this but i don't think the dark was night makes sense. Also couples conversing prompts an image of a more posh atmoshpere whereas chattered loudly or something similar would seem more appropriate.

She covered her ears and slammed her eyes shut


To me slammed doesn't sound right because no-one really slams their eyes shut, what about squeezed?
Soon the drunk couple was riding


was needs to be were.

Ben was speaking an incomprehensible string was words


String of words instead of was words.

I know it seems like quite alot of comments but they're only little things and the general story i loved! Well done :D




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katiexnoway wrote:“Bye mom, love you!” the brunette said excitedly as she hugged her mother. “I’ll be home before 12. I promise.”

This is seriously anal but a pet peeve of mine is when things start with dialogue and 'the brunette' bothered me too. Just name her right off the bat :)

katiexnoway wrote: Marie’s long brown hair flew out behind her as she raced towards the beat up chevy ((Chevy)) parked in the driveway. Her ballet flats slipping ((slipped)) on the ice, her blue eyes* stayed focused on his face. Her jeans switched ((swished? :))) slightly as she came to an abrupt hault ((halt)) before the passenger door. Her fingers closing on the cool hand she yanked it open.

*I would take out the comma and add a 'but' in there. It would make it flow more smoothly in my opinion.

katiexnoway wrote: “Hello,” Marie replied breathlessly. She climbed quickly into the leather seat. “Ben,” Marie began turning towards him. “Where are you taking me?”

“I told you,” Ben replied, his green eyes glittering in the retreating Friday sun. “It’s a surprise.” Marie groaned. She hated surprises, and Ben knew that. Slumping father into her seat [s]the thin 19 year-old[/s] switched on the radio. Marie smiled as a familiar song burst through the speakers.

"are ((Are)) you holding back? Like the way you do?” Marie began to sing in her high soprano voice. “Has it ever crossed your mind.”

“Marie,” Ben sighed, shoving his sleek brown hair from his eyes. “Could you turn it down?”

“Sure,” Marie smiled. She was always glad to do anything Ben asked. They continued the ride in near silence; the only sound in the vehicle was the soft rumble of music.

“Almost there,” Ben smiled, his teeth white against his tan skin. Marie sat up, her blue eyes scanning her surrounds. Cars lined the street, music pumped from a large red house at the end of the block. A party; She should have known.

See how many times you say 'Ben' here? :)
The repetition is kind of annoying. Say 'He' more. You don't have to use his name for everything :)
About the slashed out thing: it's over-descriptive and awkward sounding, just put in 'she'.

katiexnoway wrote:
Ben threw the car into park and jumped out excitedly; Heading straight for the house. Marie groaned. So it was going to be of those nights. Sliding out of the chevy ((Chevy)) she slammed the door and advanced toward[s]s[/s] the pulsing house; the smell of alchohol ((alcohol)) filling her nose.

Closing her eyes((,)) memories ingulfed ((engulfed)) Marie’s mind, taking her back to a scene nearly a year ago. The night was cool, damp just like this one. She had been preparing for the party of her life. The night began innocent enough, it wasn’t until the 7th shot things went down hill. Marie snapped her eyes open, determined not to remember the worst night of her life.

Underlined words: I don't know the fancy lingo for this but to put it simply, this sentence doesn't flow well. A simple fix would be to say something like 'Marie closed her eyes and memories of a party nearly a year ago, flooded in.' or something like that :)

katiexnoway wrote:The interior of the house was large and trashed, already. Speakers lined the wall of the immense living room that was packed with college students. Inhaling sharply Marie leaned against the wall, more vivid memories flood ((flash? :))) back.


katiexnoway wrote: The music shook the walls of the large house, Marie dancing ((danced)) with her best friend Angela. Angela was smiling widely, her long blonde hair swishing ((swished)) from side to side. The rancid smell filled the air, just as it did here. Angela screamed over the music, laughing hartly ((? Is that a word?)) about one more mixer.


katiexnoway wrote: Her shoes smacked the sticky tile of the kitchen as the music thumped through her vains ((veins)). “Hell-low,” A slurred voice breathed behind her, a large hand grabbing her hip. “what er you doin all alone?”


katiexnoway wrote:“One more!” He was shouting, holding up a finger. Marie witnessed the “bartender” through together a mixer. She watched him poor 12 different alcholhic ((alcoholic)) beverages into the red cup before handing it to Ben.

Marie gasped; the image of Angela’s quaking body flashing before her eyes. Her scream filling her own ears, the yell for help. “someone, help!” Marie shouted, trying to restrain her sezuiring ((this isn't a word :)))friend. Marie blinked rapidly.


katiexnoway wrote:“Here,” He slurred, pushing the cup into her hands. “You drink it.” Marie sniffed the fowl smelling liquid, her danty ((dainty)) nose crinkling. She glanced up at Ben. “Drink. It.” He commanded firmly.


katiexnoway wrote:Marie moaned and got up slowly, willing the room to stop moving. She tumbled through the door, back onto the dance floor; looking for the door. Her clumsy feet tripped over the past ((passed)) out form of a small cheerleader. Marie fit ((hit?)) the floor with a low thud before rolling and laying her head heavily on the once-white carpet. The thumping of the music flowed through her drunken vains, ((veins)) making her ache.



Oooooo! Good ending! :D

Spell check dear, Spell check :D

Overall, this was a good story. It had a good plot and and good little message. Just some spelling and grammar errors :)
Let me know if you need anything cleared up.

-Carly
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