Split personalities 0.1

asxz · 2009-01-18T07:06:34Z

Hi, this is my first story posted on the Young Writers Society Website, and I was just looking for some feedback on how to improve my writing technique and any advice that you might have that will help me in the future! I looked around at the murky surroundings, and at once I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be here. I started running down the narrow corridor, searching through the gloom for a side path or staircase to escape through. My hands were flailing out at my sides, completely limp from the day’s activities. I grimaced as my knuckles momentarily brushed against the slimy wall, grazing them on the coarse concrete than lay beneath the thick layers of fungi. I stopped running to look at the damage. Barely visible through the faint light was a thin trickle of blood, running slowly down my hand. I listened to the surrounding sounds, water dripping from the ceiling, and running footsteps slow to a walk. Out of the gloom I heard voices, harsh, and rasping for breath, echoing through the passage, and bouncing off the walls. It seems that I was fitter than my pursuers. I tried to keep my breathing low, depriving my body of the oxygen it needed, to stay hidden from the men following me. If I made no sound, they might think that I am no longer in the complex tunnels that undermine the building. The voices were getting louder, but I still didn’t know which direction they were coming from, and therefore I had to keep still, not knowing where to run. Through the flickering, musty lights I saw a distant figure approaching, soon followed by another. The muscular build and deliberate urgency of their movements was all I needed to see. I knew that if I hadn’t heard their voices I would have ran straight into them. A sudden thought struck me, if I could see them, then they could see me. Hoping that the cover of the flashing lights above me was enough to cover my escape, I started running away from the men. My footsteps were amplified by the structure of the tunnels, and the water that lay in puddles on the floor. The men had started running again, unleashing a burst of energy that they didn’t have before. I knew that it was only a matter of time until they recaptured me; my quest for freedom was hopeless. They were catching up, only meters away from me now. I desperately looked for a place to hide or a weapon to use; anything would do, as long as it gave me even the slightest of advantages. My eyes came to rest on the pools of light that flowed from the ceiling, the small collection of water on the basement floor, and the pipes responsible. I risked a quick glance behind me, they were within an arms length of me now, and my only hope was confusion and surprise. The man on the right reached out, attempting to latch onto my clothes. With some untapped strength I sprinted, yearning to get away from the approaching hand. I knew that it was now or never. With the cover of darkness, I jumped, hoping with all my might that my arms would have enough strength to hold onto the pipes that lined the ceiling. My legs swung up and followed my body, getting tangled up in the water duct. I thanked god when my enemies ran unknowingly into the next pool of light, where they stopped in their tracks. I hugged the ceiling tight; my only chance of escape was in the hands of a rusty old water line, and the navy clothes I fortunately wore the previous day. Thick beads of sweat ran down my face, and dripped onto the floor, adding more to the basement’s collection. I looked at my hand, still bleeding slightly from the graze that happened only seconds ago. My pursuers looked around in the semi darkness, puzzled at where I had gone. I let out a deep breath, but my escape wasn’t over yet… Chapter 1 availible in 2 parts: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic42365.html http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic42409.html

Jesse

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Points 890

Reviews 20

Thu Feb 19, 2009 7:07 pm

Jesse says... · Thu Feb 19, 2009 7:07 pm

Hey, thanks for writing

Well done

, you've got me interested already. You've hit the setting right and are Acing writing about the chase.

There are a couple things i found though, for instance: The narrators told us

"If I made no sound, they might think that I am no longer in the complex tunnels that undermine the building"

This made the setting a bit to obvious for me, you could try to include that, or let the reader figure it out over the course of the prologue. (I prefer the ladder)

The word choice was simple, yet it did the job very well, but I think if you searched a little harder for a couple different words in a few certain spots would make it perfect.

(Ex. "My footsteps were amplified by the structure of the tunnels, and the water that lay in puddles on the floor."

While amplified is good and direct I think you could really wow people if you found a better word.

I hope you caught my drift, and thanks again for writing, im gonna go check out the new stuff

To be a hero is not to be out of the ordinary, it is to be ordinarily remarkable.

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Rosendorn

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Points 89625

Reviews 1272

Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:37 am

Rosendorn says... · Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:37 am

Sorry for the late review. Nit-picks have pretty much been covered, however there is one line:

Hoping that the cover of the flashing lights above me was enough to cover my escape, I started running away from the men.

You repeat "cover" here, in the same context, twice in one sentence. Re-work this so your sentence doesn't repeat itself.

~~

Realism: You said to focus on this, so here goes. I only found three places where things seemed a little off:

1- When your MC grazes her knuckles, I find it hard to believe she could have reached the concrete through the lairs of moss. If she hit her hand that hard, have some more then just a scrape. A bruise, perhaps.

2- When your MC is being chased, you say the people behind her are one arm's length away. If they are that close, why don't they just catch your MC? Make the distance a little farther.

3- You never say just how high the pipes are. If it's a low ceiling (maybe six or seven feet) or she's been "enhanced" I can accept her jumping that high. But right now, that missing info leaves a gap that makes things seem odd.

Other then that, with the amount of information you have up it's hard to really go into depth on the characters. I liked the description, but perhaps you could put in a bit more about what the pursuers look like.

Overall: I found this was a great hook and am looking forward to reviewing more chapters!

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.

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asxz

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Points 9593

Reviews 216

Sat Feb 28, 2009 3:14 am

asxz says... · Sat Feb 28, 2009 3:14 am

Hi, Thak you for all of the reviews. I have made most of the changes in the re-write, and it is posted here and here. Reviews are wecome... Thank you!

::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

GENERATION 29: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.

Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet

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