Split personalities 0.1

Hi, this is my first story posted on the Young Writers Society Website, and I was just looking for some feedback on how to improve my writing technique and any advice that you might have that will help me in the future!

I looked around at the murky surroundings, and at once I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be here. I started running down the narrow corridor, searching through the gloom for a side path or staircase to escape through. My hands were flailing out at my sides, completely limp from the day’s activities. I grimaced as my knuckles momentarily brushed against the slimy wall, grazing them on the coarse concrete than lay beneath the thick layers of fungi. I stopped running to look at the damage.
Barely visible through the faint light was a thin trickle of blood, running slowly down my hand. I listened to the surrounding sounds, water dripping from the ceiling, and running footsteps slow to a walk. Out of the gloom I heard voices, harsh, and rasping for breath, echoing through the passage, and bouncing off the walls. It seems that I was fitter than my pursuers.
I tried to keep my breathing low, depriving my body of the oxygen it needed, to stay hidden from the men following me. If I made no sound, they might think that I am no longer in the complex tunnels that undermine the building. The voices were getting louder, but I still didn’t know which direction they were coming from, and therefore I had to keep still, not knowing where to run.
Through the flickering, musty lights I saw a distant figure approaching, soon followed by another. The muscular build and deliberate urgency of their movements was all I needed to see. I knew that if I hadn’t heard their voices I would have ran straight into them.
A sudden thought struck me, if I could see them, then they could see me. Hoping that the cover of the flashing lights above me was enough to cover my escape, I started running away from the men. My footsteps were amplified by the structure of the tunnels, and the water that lay in puddles on the floor.
The men had started running again, unleashing a burst of energy that they didn’t have before. I knew that it was only a matter of time until they recaptured me; my quest for freedom was hopeless. They were catching up, only meters away from me now. I desperately looked for a place to hide or a weapon to use; anything would do, as long as it gave me even the slightest of advantages.
My eyes came to rest on the pools of light that flowed from the ceiling, the small collection of water on the basement floor, and the pipes responsible. I risked a quick glance behind me, they were within an arms length of me now, and my only hope was confusion and surprise. The man on the right reached out, attempting to latch onto my clothes. With some untapped strength I sprinted, yearning to get away from the approaching hand. I knew that it was now or never.
With the cover of darkness, I jumped, hoping with all my might that my arms would have enough strength to hold onto the pipes that lined the ceiling. My legs swung up and followed my body, getting tangled up in the water duct. I thanked god when my enemies ran unknowingly into the next pool of light, where they stopped in their tracks.
I hugged the ceiling tight; my only chance of escape was in the hands of a rusty old water line, and the navy clothes I fortunately wore the previous day. Thick beads of sweat ran down my face, and dripped onto the floor, adding more to the basement’s collection. I looked at my hand, still bleeding slightly from the graze that happened only seconds ago. My pursuers looked around in the semi darkness, puzzled at where I had gone. I let out a deep breath, but my escape wasn’t over yet…


Chapter 1 availible in 2 parts:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic42365.html
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic42409.html

Hey, asxz!
I think this was very well written, in fact beautifully, although a few questions DID come to mind:
~What was he a captive of?
~Who were the men?
~Why was he in a dark, slimy corridor?
It wonderful, but more like the middle of the second chapter of a book, then the beginning of the first.

When I was writing it, I meant for it to be a prolouge of a book, or the begining of the first chapter, in a dream or something. then they will evntually find themselves in this situation, or something very like it, which would answer your questions. I can't answer them not, because i haven't thought that far myself yet. Thank you, I'm glag you like it!

Okey Dokey, I'm Evi and I shall be your reviewer.

First of all, I liked this. Really, I did. But this is going to sound harsh anyway.

I looked around at the murky surroundings, and at once I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be here. I started running down the narrow corridor, searching through the gloom for a side path or staircase to escape through. My hands were flailing out at my sides, completely limp from the day’s activities. I grimaced as my knuckles momentarily brushed against the slimy wall, grazing them on the coarse concrete than lay beneath the thick layers of fungi. I stopped running to look at the damage. Does he/she really need to stop running to examine their bloody hand? I'll give you some help: no. Your character will be more realistic if he's smart enough to know this. Barely visible through the faint light was a thin trickle of blood, running slowly down my hand. I listened to the surrounding sounds, water dripping from the ceiling, and running footsteps slow to a walk. Out of the gloom I heard voices, harsh, and rasping for breath, echoing through the passage, and bouncing off the walls. It seems that I was fitter than my pursuers.

The first sentence uses 'around' and 'surroundings'. These words are too close together to flow smoothly. Change one, or both, of them.

Almost all of these sentences start with I. It makes your narrator seem self centered. You fit in a lot of description of their setting in this paragraph; just figure out how to cram that description into the beginning of a sentence. For example, the second sentence:

There was no side path or staircase to escape to.

Work with it, and that paragraph will be nice. You have great description of the setting; I can feel the grime.

If I made no sound, they might think that I [s]am[/s] was no longer in the complex tunnels that undermine the building.

Don't fall into the trap of confusing your tenses. Keep it in the past.

The voices were getting louder, but I still didn’t know which direction they were coming from, and therefore I had to keep still, not knowing where to run.

'Therefore' sounds stiff and formal for a chase scene. Try:

The voices were getting louder, but I still didn't know which direction they were coming from. I settled on keeping still since I didn't know where to run.

A sudden thought struck me, if I could see them, then they could see me.

A sudden throught struck me; if I could see them, they could see me.

Now, I don't get what happens next. If the man was about to grab his shirt, and your character suddenly launches upwards to grab the pipes, then the chasers would have seen him, and not 'ran unknowingly into the next pool of light' as you stated. What exactly does he do?

Overall:

Nice start; I like the idea of a flashback scene. However, we don't know anything about the character from this. Not even their gender, their name, how old they are, where they came from...this could take place in Ney York, London, or any fictional place.

In other words?

We need info, and we need it fast.

So, I hope this was a little bit helpful. This is a good start to what could be a very good story, as long as you stay away from cliched grounds. Too much action isn't good for any story, so make sure to develop the plot and characters as well as give us our chase scenes or fight scenes.

Good luck!

~Evi

Thank you Evi, that's helped alot, I'll take that into consideration for my future writings!

I'm assuming that you meant to give more information to the reader later, but sometimes that isn't what the reader wants. I know that as a writer it is wonderful fun to keep everything close to your chest, but it can bore the writer. All it needs is a short introduction paragraph to explain the kind of conditions he is in, where he is and why he wants to escape.

Alrighty! I didn't really find any nitpicks that jumped out at me. It's well written but it leaves a lot of questions. You started out right in the middle of an action scene, which is good. It gets the reader's attention. I know this is just a prologue, but you leave a lot of questions. Who are the men? Who is he? Where is he? Why is he there?

And another thing, the blood scene. Why does he stop and look at his hand? He can't examine his hand and run at the same time? Overall, I like it! Keep writing!

I looked around at the murky surroundings, and at once I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be here.

This isn't the strongest first line I've ever read. When starting a story, you are trying to 'hook' the reader. This line doesn't give an idea or and image, merely a thought. What you should do is either start with something thought-provoking, or an effective image, or something that sets the mood. It doesn't have to be long and complicated, or overly clever. Let me find you some examples.

Here is the first line of David Gemmel's Troy:

To sleep is to die.

This instantly sets a tense mood, and sparks interest. The reader wants to know why.

From one of my favourite short stories, Johnathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach:

The new sun sparkled gold across the ripples of a gentle sea.

Effective imagery, don't you think? You are given an image as soon as you open the book, which also in itself sets the mood.

One of my own examples, so maybe not quite as foolproof (as I have not been published! >.<;) :
Lies are like a zipper; Made to hold things together, but under strain, hard to keep up.

Here I'm trying to make the reader think, and start off with a hint of humour. Whether it works or not, I'm not entirely sure.

You could rearrange your story slightly and start with:
I watched the blood trickle slowly down my hand.

This gives an image, and makes the reader wonder why, and was the blood his? Had he killed someone? Been hurt? Just saved a life? Then you could go on to have your character study the wall where he had scraped it, the surroundings, and his flight.

Or you could start another way:
I raced down the dim hallway, searching for escape.

This one also has more impact, don't you think? It has an action, an intention, and also an image.
To be honest, there are dozens of different ways I can see to start this. The techniques I try to use are to make the reader think, or give an effective image, or start with a provoking action.
Right, enough rambling about your first line, lol!

The voices were getting louder, but I still didn’t know which direction they were coming from, and therefore I had to keep still, not knowing where to run.

Here's a piece of advice my father gave me: Keep one thought or idea to a line.
In this single sentence, you have stated:
1)The voices are getting louder,
2)The narrator can't tell where they are coming from, and
3) The narrator must stay where he is in fear of running into his pursuers.
Also, I don't like the word 'getting'. It's rather like 'got', and there is always a better word then 'got'.
This could be split into three different sentences. For example:
The voices were growing louder. I listened carefully, but I was unable to tell which direction they were coming from. Frozen against the damp wall, I dared not move in the fear of running straight into the arms of those who sought to catch me.

Hoping that the cover of the flashing lights above me was enough to cover my escape, I started running away from the men.

Wouldn't a flashing light above him either illuminate him momentarily or give a momentary silhouette, which means it is no true cover at all? Even if it takes away night vision, the narrator would have the same problem and he would have still been seen in the flashes of light.

I thanked god when my enemies ran unknowingly into the next pool of light,

What is the significance of the light? You seem to mention it quite a bit.

But overall, you have quite an intriguing prologue here. I must admit, I want to know more. For your first submission, this is pretty damn good. Well done.
Just remember: one idea, one sentence. If you must, you can have directly linked ideas separated by a conjunction.
Well done. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I'll be glad to help. ^_^

-Nutty

Okay, here's the review you asked for

I looked around at the murky surroundings, and at once I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be here. I started running down the narrow corridor, searching through the gloom for a side path or staircase to escape through. My hands were flailing out at my sides, completely limp from the day’s activities. I grimaced as my knuckles momentarily brushed against the slimy wall, grazing them on the coarse concrete than lay beneath the thick layers of fungi. I stopped running to look at the damage.

I don't get the 'gloom' part.

Barely visible through the faint light was a thin trickle of blood, running slowly down my hand. I listened to the surrounding sounds, water dripping from the ceiling, and running footsteps slow to a walk. Out of the gloom I heard voices, harsh, and rasping for breath, echoing through the passage, and bouncing off the walls. It seems that I was fitter than my pursuers.

Again with the gloom.

I tried to keep my breathing low, depriving my body of the oxygen it needed, to stay hidden from the men following me. If I made no sound, they might think that I am no longer in the complex tunnels that undermine the building. The voices were getting louder, but I still didn’t know which direction they were coming from, and therefore I had to keep still, not knowing where to run.

Maybe say it differently? It might just be me, but at first I thought he wanted them to find him.

The men had started running again, unleashing a burst of energy that they didn’t have before. I knew that it was only a matter of time until they recaptured me; for my quest for freedom was hopeless. They were catching up, only meters away from me now. I desperately looked for a place to hide or a weapon to use; anything would do, as long as it gave me even the slightest of advantages.

I just added a 'for'. I think it sounds better that way.

Overall, I though it was pretty good!

Thanks guys! have changed it around a bit.

Hi asxz. Here as requested.


For a prologue, this was rather spectacular. Prologues, I find, are normally a bit vague and crammed with foreshadowing that we aren't supposed to fully understand yet. Ah, I love it.
That is exactly what you have done here. You've given us a vague but mysterious first glimpse into the world you're trying to create. The description used here was incredible; I haven't read a first submission that was this well-written in quite a while.
There were just a couple of things I want to point out very quickly:

If I made no sound, they might think that I am no longer in the complex tunnels that undermine the building.

This sentence doesn't make any sense. "If I made no sound" sounds immensely awkward, and "I am no longer in the complex tunnels" is present-tense.
Reword: "I hoped that if I didn't make a sound, they would think I was no longer in the tunnels below the building." Or something to that extent. You get the idea.

I thanked god when my enemies ran unknowingly into the next pool of light, where they stopped in their tracks.

I'm pretty sure "God" should be capitalized. I mean, I don't think it's a rule or anything, but it's normally proper.

That's all. I had hoped this would be a brutal review, but I guess that won't be the case!


~anti-pop

Thank you! That helped Anit-pop!

Here as requested, Asxz!

I looked around at the murky surroundings, and at once I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be here.

I agree with Nutty about changing the opening line to make it more exciting.

But I have a few other issues with it...

-- Well, of course your MC know they aren't supposed to be there! They're being chased, after all.
-- This is being majorly critical, but I associate "murky" as an adjective to describe something outdoors (e.g., water or a swamp). Since you are indoors, I would change the description to a word such as "dingy" or "dismal."

My hands were flailing out at my sides, completely limp from the day’s activities.

The reader doesn't know what the day's activities were...
Describe them, please! ^_^

Barely visible through the faint light was a thin trickle of blood, running slowly down my hand.

Hmmm... your MC is running for his/her life and they stop to examine their hand?
Highly unreasonable... you said you wanted to focus on believability. I woul never stop to stare at my hand.

Perhaps you could rewrite it with the character feeling the blood instead of looking at it?

I would rewrite it as:

I grimaced as my knuckles momentarily brushed against the slimy wall, grazing them on the coarse concrete than lay beneath the thick layers of fungi. Warm, crimson liquid dripped out of the cut... etc.

, and running footsteps slow to a walk.

Should be: "and running footsteps slowing to a walk.

It seems

Seems is present tense.
Change it to seemed to make it past.

The muscular build and deliberate urgency of their movements

Deliberate = adjective that describes their movements

Muscular build = not adjective that describes their movements.

But you try to make both words adjectives.

Rewrite as:

Their muscular build and urgency of their movements...

But I also don't see what their muscles have to do with anything...

I thanked god

Capitalize God.

ran unknowingly into the next pool of light, where they stopped in their tracks.

Believability again.
Your MC is sprinting across the threshold, jumping around, and getting tangle in pipes... yet the pursuers don't here it? A bit unreasonable.

I looked at my hand, still bleeding slightly from the graze that happened only seconds ago.

Why are they so obsessed with their hand? We know it's bleeding, so let's move on. ^_^

Bravo! This was an excellent little prologue. Looking forward to Chapter One.

--Sakura

It's a nice start. I will admit it is a bit short, even for a prologue. though you do have a lot of imagery going on, sometimes you get repetition by accident, you try to be a bit too descriptive instead of focusing in on the meat of the work itself and the story that you must develop.

That said I think this is a great start, you manage to drag the reader into the story and really grab on, a person can really look forward to the next part of this work, hopefully its as well and written and manages to expand upon the work itself while still maintaining a sense of intensity and fear throughout. great work.

keep up the writing, I look forward to reading more from you.

Hey there.
I’m on a reviewing spree, and will be reviewing all parts of this story that are up right now. Hope that makes you a happy panda - so to speak.

Barely visible through the faint light was a thin trickle of blood, running slowly down my hand. I listened to the surrounding sounds, water dripping from the ceiling and running footsteps slow to a walk.

[s]Through[/s] more logical if you put “in”. And… to make the sentence flow, put “slowing to a walk”

If I made no sound, they might think that I am no longer in the complex tunnels that undermine the building.

Stay in one tense?

The voices were getting louder, but I still didn’t know which direction they were coming from, and therefore I had to keep still, not knowing where to run.

Repetition of know/knowing.

Hoping that the cover of the flashing lights above me was enough to cover my escape, I started running away from the men.

Cover x 2 in one sentence. Repetition.

With the cover of darkness

Cover, again. Repetition.

still bleeding slightly from the graze that happened only seconds ago.

Only seconds ago? Is this a new graze, or the one from the wall? The one from the wall wasn’t seconds ago, and I didn't notice that there was a new graze. Try to clear this up.

I let out a deep breath, but my escape wasn’t over yet…

Don’t use the dots to cause a cliffhanger. Personally I think “I let out a deep breath of relief, though I knew my escape was far from over.” or something along those lines would do better as an ending.

Well done; your first sentence grabbed my attention, and the rest definitely held it. Good job.

I enjoyed reading that ^_^

Well, on to the first chapter, then!

XxxDo