Freedom's Price - Chapter 1

Freedom’s Price

Chapter 1

The sun is rising over the mountains in the east as May gives birth to a colt. She whispers his name to him...”Sky”... May licks the foal to warm it, and Sky protests, at the rough but necessary treatment.
It is the start of summer, and the bushfire season. May’s herd is nearby, waiting for her. They move restlessly, as they are impatient to be on their way before the sun makes the heat unbearable. They are heading towards a valley where they hope they will be protected from the fast and ly fires that frequent the ranges in summer. There are also more foals to be born, but Sky is early. Jet the stallion wants his mares to be in a safe place before any more come, lest they be trapped by a raging fire front.
Jet, comes into the little clearing where Sky and his mother are and stops short, looking down at the little dark foal at his feet.
“I see he is a fine colt, May, I am proud of you both. Now, we must be going. Do you think you can manage it?” Jet looks at May, nuzzling her gently, and nosing the foal.
“I am tired, but I guess we must be going. Get up little one.” May nudged the foal at her feet. Sky, who is a little scared by the new world around him, sways to his feet, and promptly falls over again. Not to be daunted, he tries again, and this time succeeds in staying up.
“Good, now, follow me”. Jet turned and went through an opening in the bush around them. May nickered to Sky and followed him. Sky was worried in seeing his mother leaving him, and attempted to run after her, but all he could do was a stumbling trot. May smothered a snort at seeing how ridiculous he looked.
“Come on, you’ll be better in a minute.” May encouraged the little colt to follow her, and they joined the rest of the herd. As they moved off, a large colt capered over to where they were, and stuck his nose at Sky, almost nocking him over. It was Willow, Sky’s older brother.
“Hey, who’s this little wet spindly thing?” Willow enquired. Sky’s mother reprimanded him for barging in so.
“This is Sky, your brother, and you needn’t push him over.”
“Hello Brother! I hope I didn’t look like that when I was born.”
“You did, Willow. In fact, you looked more spindly than Sky, which is why I called you Willow”. Willow looked a little crestfallen, and Sky felt better.
The herd was following a small stream down its course, where it would end up in the valley they were headed for. Lark, Sky’s sister came and introduced herself.
“Hi Sky, I’m Lark. Nice to meet you” she nickered to the foal, gently nudging him. Sky smiled at her, and shyly hid his face in his dam’s mane, peeking out at her, his big eyes blinking curiously. She laughed softly, and walked away.


(I have 10 more chapters already written, but I thought I'd just put one up for a start)

Ha, I guess you might like horses? Yeah you could use more description like of the surroundings and stuff. Maybe a little more intro too. I think it's good though, next chapter please. No I'm just kidding but like post some soon.

^_^

First of all, I love horses. With a passion. When I read something like this, it instantly puts me in a gentler mood and, unless there is horrible description or something equally as horrible (can there be anything more horrible?) I'll still like the story. Fortunately for you, you do describe well. Your choice of third person present tense is a good choice, and it instantly lets the reader flow into the story.

I can't tell you how much the present tense helped. Sometimes, when writers try it, they fail since the present tense is so much more lyrical than past tense. Past tense is concrete. I did this. There is no question about it. But when I do something, there is still an element of suspense. It's rather cool. Not many writers can get away with it, since either they're too strict or too lyrical. You seem to have balanced it. Kudos to you!

They are heading towards a valley where they hope they will be protected from the fast and ly fires that frequent the ranges in summer.

Ly? What is a ly? Usually, I'm a good guesser, but I can't figure that one out.

There are also more foals to be born, but Sky is early.

Get rid of the word "also." It allows it to be a little smoother.

May nudged the foal at her feet.

And... here is where the problem began.

If you wanted to do present, you would say, "May nudges the foal at her feet."

The question is, do you want to do this in present or past tense? I like the lyrical feeling of the present tense, but I can completely understand if you want to do past tense. It comes a little bit easier to us because that's what we're used to. But you can't have both. Otherwise, that just makes it awkward.

And then, the other thing. Dialogue.

I've been musing dialogue lately, mostly because that is not my strength. To write good dialogue, you have to know your characters so well that you could be able to write in first person for any of your characters in a given story. Unfortunately, most writers, myself included, don't want to do this. But as I write more and more dialogue, I am convinced that a thorough knowledge of the character is needed.

You see, too much emphasis is placed on describing a character's attributes. "My character has jet-black hair!" a writer gleefully says. "And he has just been betrayed by a bad guy, so therefore he is a dark and foreboding character!" And, sure enough, you will find a description of a foreboding character. But characters are finally not revealed through their physical appearences, or what they choose to appear to be, but their actions. Say I have an evil, mysterious looking character. He may seem rotting and conniving, but if he does something that is nice, then he is not evil, eh? And if he says something nice, that goes along with his actions, then he can't be evil either.

You see, dialogue is just another form of action. Whatever your character says will say something about that character. Let me give you an example in one of my most favorite plays ever, Arms and the Man.

THE MAN. I saw that, dear young lady. I saw at once that you knew the world.

RAINA. Have you ever seen the opera of Ernani?

THE MAN. Is that the one with the devil in it in red velvet, and a soldiers' chorus?

RAINA. No!

THE MAN [stifling a sigh of weariness] Then I don't know it.

What impressions do you have of Raina? What impressions do you have of the man?

Now, you see how revealing dialogue can be. The question is, how do you bring this life to your own dialogue?

First of all, fortunately for you, you are not writing a play. You get to rely on descriptions to get your character across. But you should still concentrate on your dialogue. What impression do you want to give of May? Listen to women speak, listen to their flucuations of voice, and then, whatever you think May sounds like, imitate. The same thing for Jet. Many teenagers shy away from adults because sometimes adults can make them nervous. Don't do this -- just listen. It'll make you a better writer in the end.

Just remember, whatever your character says reveals who your character is.

Thanks so much for the critiques! I understand what you are getting at.

I think I prefer past tense, but I'll fix that up

and the 'ly' it was part of a word, but my computer doesn't like some words, and it takes them out. I'll have to think of another one that it won't object to. lol

Thanks again

I have to agree with everything Snoink said, but this sounds like a good beginning to a story. The description was very good. Can't wait to read more.

Ok, heres the second chapter!

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Chapter 2

The herd has now been travelling for two days. They are going slowly because of May and her new foal. They encounter the fresh tracks of horses going the same way as them, and Jet becomes worried that the valley they are destined to might be already full of horses.
Sky has not a worry in the world yet, and he is getting stronger each day. His mother can tell he is going to be a strong, brave colt, and theses characteristics could get him to being the top stallion, which is his mothers dream for him. Sky is blissfully ignorant of all this, and just lives life as it comes. Another foal is born while they are on their way, so he now has a friend. Arrow is a chestnut colt; his mother is Daisy, a mare who Jet stole from an old stallion who has since passed away. The two get on well, and spend the days frolicking about their mothers, chasing butterflies, playing ‘tag’ and learning about their environment. The country they are in is mountainous ranges, with some of the high peaks capped in snow that never melts, so high are the ranges.

On the 3rd day, they reach the valley. All the horses walk to the edge of the cliff, and then they stop and snort in amazement.
Sky and Arrow are overwhelmed; they have never seen so many horses in their short lives! They stared at the countless herds spread over a large valley that is surrounded on two sides by a wide river.
Jet is worried; he knows that if he goes into the valley, he will have to fight for a place for his herd to graze.
“I wonder if there are any other valleys that could hold us for the summer.” He said thoughtfully to May.
“I dare say there is, it’s just a matter of finding one in time, and hopefully there would be enough grass for us all”, she replied.
“Yes, that’s the problem; time...” Jet bit at a fly before continuing.
“I think we should keep going, there are too many horses here, and it would only be a constant battle for feed, if we were to stay.” May nodded her head in agreement, and let everyone know what was happening. They started off, with May in the lead, and Jet keeping watch, trotting around the herd, his head held high and his ears alert, keeping a sharp eye out for eagles that might take the foals, or hostile stallions that could threaten his place as stallion of this herd.
Sky was sad to leave the valley, as he could see many foals that would have been s to him, but his mother told him there would be more foals coming soon, and he would have plenty of friends, then. A couple of the stallions in the valley spotted the herd as they were moving off, but it didn’t bother them, as they were not staying. Unbeknown to them, a small pale filly crept up out of the valley and followed the group. She was an orphan, her mother had died last winter, and she had wandered from group to group trying to fit in.

And then, the ultimate question comes...

Have you made an outline for this story yet?

Some writers absolutely go crazy when this question appears. "How dare you ask that of me!" they cry, waving their pencils in the air. "I don't need an outline!" Even so, you can tell which writers have made an outline and which ones haven't.

Now, how do you write an outline? Observe:

Chapter 1

- Sky is born.
- Jet and May talk.
- Sky and Lark talk.

Chapter 2 is a little more difficult to label.

First of all, whose story is this? At first, I guessed it was Sky's, but now it seems to be leaning towards Jet. Now, (and this drives writers up the walls), unless you're a really really good writer, you stick with one character.

You're probably thinking to yourself, "Wait a minute! This isn't first person! I wanna write for anyone I feel like!" The only problem is, if you do that you need to write extremely good transitions. I'm not saying that you aren't good, mind you, but even the experts have trouble with switching viewpoints, and I've only read several books where this is achieved with some success.

When you wrote primarily for May,, that worked since Sky was young and just born. In chapter 2 and onwards, you have to focus on Sky. Right now, Sky is young and so he doesn't seem that interesting to write for. But later on, he's probably going to be important. That means you have to flesh out his character. Now, it seems very boring to you right now. But, as an experienced writer in boring characters, stick with him and he'll flesh out beautifully. Just don't jump from guy to guy.

Also! That's another reason why outlines are important. It helps you focus on one character in particular. Focus on Sky now. If the herding conditions are that important, have Jet and May discuss it and Sky overhear it. This may mean nothing to him at the time, but it might in the future.

Note that I'm actually suggesting dialogue. This is too important to miss. Right now, you are trying to give the information in descriptive sentences, but it may be better put in dialogue. All you need to do to include Sky in this, is to have him eavesdrop.

Good luck!

Ok, lets start with, GOOD JOB! I love horses. And you captured their beauty and your passion is shown in the story. It was spectacular. I felt I was right beside the main character. Your people characters made me feel like it was not during preisdoric times. It felt like I was running beside the colt. And May was so sweat and kind. How she pampered the colt and horses, was just so touching, it made me cry. It was just so good. I loved it with all my heart and soul. If you do not write of this story, I might die. And I meen it. Please I am begging you, continue writing this story, please, please don't stop. I meen if you do I will probably die. So please, please don't give up and don't quit. I am begging you. I loved it so much. Thank you for writing such a great story. And the how long it was, was perfect. Super long rule. Thanka again. It was great, more then great.

-- M.B.Author