The Broken -- TC -- Chapter Seven

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(Chapter One)
(Chapter Two)
(Chapter Three)
(Chapter Four)
(Chapter Five)
(Chapter Six)

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Leo.

The hall echoed as its twin doors banged open. Compared to the blasts made by the gunshots, the sound was pitifully weak. A collection of soldiers entered, all armed with guns, except for the officer leading them. Leo glanced back at the Lieutenant-Colonel, and noticed a look of surprise had appeared on his face.

‘Darien,’ the Lieutenant-Colonel said, ‘what are you doing?’

The officer - Darien, Leo presumed - spoke as he strode forwards, his voice echoing down the hall. ‘What you should have done, John. I am placing your guests under arrest.’

‘No, I cannot allow you to do that.’

‘I outrank you, friend, you cannot stop me.’ Darien motioned to Leo and Lucy in turn. ‘Take them.’ Four solider jogged forwards, two for each of them.

Leo took a step back. What could he do? Run away was his first impulse. Flee. Get away. But with the only exit blocked by Darien’s soldiers, were was there to run to? He looked to the Lieutenant-Colonel for help, and saw nothing useful in the man’s angry expression. Maybe this’ll be for the best anyway, he thought. The Lieutenant-Colonel was deranged, but this Darien fellow shouldn’t be. Once everything had been sorted out, he could actually be Leo’s way home. He held his hands up. ‘I surrender.’

‘Smart lad,’ Darien said, coming to a halt. He stood in front of the Lieutenant-Colonel. ‘But what about you, John? Are you going to follow his example and step aside quietly?’

The Lieutenant-Colonel looked at Leo, and then at Lucy. A look of growing fury on his face, he opened his mouth to speak, hesitated, and then closed it again. Without a word, he brushed passed Darien and strode down the hall towards the exit.

‘This isn’t the way I wanted it to happen, John’ Darien called after him. ‘Remember that.’

Without a backwards glance, the Lieutenant-Colonel shoved open the twin doors at the end of the hall, and left. The doors swung shut behind him.

Darien breathed out. ‘A shame.’ He glanced back at his two prisoners, and waved a hand. ‘Take them to their cell.’

A gun barrel prodded Leo’s back. ‘That way, please,’ said the owner.

Leo started forwards. ‘Look,’ he said as he shuffled, ‘Mister Darien-’

Darien held up a hand. ‘No talking yet, young man. You’ll be questioned when I’m ready.’

Hopefully you’ll be ready soon. Leo didn’t fancy spending any longer than he had to in his ‘cell’. Beside him, Lucy shuffled forwards, a gun pointed at her back too. Her fists were balled up, but her head was hung in defeat. Only their four escorts were moving - the rest of Darien’s men remained with him, stood still in the middle of the firing range, watching Leo and Lucy walk from the hall.

Once they were out the firing range, Leo glanced at the solider at his side. He was dressed in the same khaki fatigues as the rest of the soldiers, and held a hefty gun in his hands. Walking behind Leo was his other escort. A glance to the left revealed that Lucy was surrounded in the same manner, with one solider to her side and one behind her. A gun barrel poked him lightly in the back again, and he straightened his gaze.

The corridor they were in looked more modern than the one Leo had walked down with Haart yesterday. Whilst it still didn’t have windows, the higher ceiling and better quality lights reduced the feeling of claustrophobia. They passed several other soldiers as they walked, most of whom regarded the two teens being marched at gunpoint with a curious glance, although none made any effort to interfere.

They came to an elevator. The solider by Leo’s side pressed the button, and within seconds the elevator arrived. ‘In you go,’ said the solider.

The six of them fitted in with plenty of room to spare, and Leo found himself staring at his image in the mirrored wall. God, my hair’s a mess. The elevator took them down two floors, speeding up and then drifting to a sickening halt in the manner that elevators do. Even though he knew that they had started off on the second floor, and so had only descended to the ground floor, Leo felt as though they were dropping down underground.

The doors slid open to reveal a white and grey, angular room. Sat behind a glass and metal wall, in a sectioned off corner of the room, was a bored looking solider, leant back in his swivel chair, eyes closed, listening to a music player. He hummed to himself. The six of them exited the elevator, and the solider beside Lucy detached himself to knock on the window. The man listening to the music pulled his headphones from his ears. ‘Eh?’ he grunted.

‘These are the two. You have a cell ready?’

‘I’ve always got a cell ready - they don’t take much preparing.’ The man got to his feet and slipped out from his little room. ‘Come on, this way.’ He walked to a heavy metal door and pressed his hand against a scanner on the wall. The door slid open.

‘Cool,’ Leo said.

‘Quiet,’ said the solider behind him, and poked him the back again with his gun barrel.

Rubbing his back, Leo followed the jailer. They entered a long, curving hallway, pure white and shining. It looked almost clinical in its cleanliness. Down each wall ran, at regular intervals, more heavyset metal doors.

‘This one will do,’ the jailer said, stopping at one of the earlier doors. ‘It’s as good as any of them, I suppose.’ He opened the door. ‘In you go then.’

The gun barrel nudged into Leo’s back again. ‘I’m going, I’m going,’ he said, stepping into the cell. He looked around. ‘Huh. I actually kind of miss my old room now.’

It was not as bad as it could have been, but it was cold and it was hard. It was a small, rectangular cell, with white walls, a white floor, and a white ceiling. Two beds, one on either side of the room, sat looking as menacing as beds could. Leo knew, with only a glance, that he would struggle to sleep on the harsh, skeletal looking things, with their white sheets and flat, white pillows. In one corner of the cell was a white flush toilet, and next to it a white sink. There was a long, glassless window running along the top of one wall, too small for anyone to climb through, but big enough to let in the cold night air once day had ended. Leo wondered if the thin bed sheets they had been given would be enough to keep them warm once night came around.

Lucy stepped in behind him. She looked at the toilet and muttered, ‘Oh god.’

The jailer stuck his head in. ‘This’ll be your home until Colonel Darien has prepared himself for your interview.’

‘Do you have any idea how long he’ll take?’ Leo asked. ‘Not too long, right?’

‘I can’t say, but don’t be eager for it.’ He shook his head. ‘You poor kids. I don’t know what it is you’ve done - and I don’t care to know - but may God have some sort of mercy on your souls.’ And with that, he removed his head from the cell and banged the door shut.

Leo raised his eyebrows at Lucy. ‘Well, that sounded ominous. Which bed do you want?’


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Author notes:

-- As this is the second part of the last chapter, it follows immediately on from it.

-- As per usual, this is a first draft, which I plan to edit quite heavily later. I’ll of course be referring back to all the advice and suggestions you guys give during the editing process.

-- My biggest concern is probably that this chapter feels very sort of 'this happened, then this happened, then this happened, then this happened.' I'm curious as to whether or not you agree (or even know what I mean XD). But as usual, any and all comments are equally welcome and much appreciated. =)
I wrote the above just for you.




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Ahem. I insist on being first reviewer. And by the way, I don't just sit at the home page refreshing until the next instalment comes up. Honest.

The hall echoed as its twin doors banged open. Compared to the blasts made by the gunshots, the sound was pitifully weak.

I actually think that this creates a rather anti-climax. Make it more comparable, more of a shock. Perhaps he thought there was another gun shot, but looked around, already his heart beating out of sheer shock from earlier... or something? Otherwise you're diminishing something that could do with being quite powerful.

‘What you should have done, John.

Italicise the "you". It made me reread it to be sure that I had interpreted it correctly.

‘I outrank you, friend, you cannot stop me.’

Seriously, who speaks like that? Feels more like a robot--replace the second comma with a semicolon and italicise the "friend". Again, it places emphasis and makes it more direct, even a little sarcastic.

Four solider

Yes. = "Four soldiers" :wink:

Run away was his first impulse.

We know it was--it's the first thought in italics. And it disrupts the flow a little, so, you know, get rid of the last bit.

But with the only exit blocked by Darien’s soldiers

I shall be picky and point out that, although Leo knows Darien's name, would his first decision be to call him by his name? I'd have thought something less certain, such as "the old man", or something Leo might be likely to say.

I wanted it to happen, John’

We're missing some sort of punctuation there.

The solider by Leo’s

I know it's a nice word, but really, they're soldiers. :)

said the solider.

= "he said."

bored looking solider, leant back in his swivel chair, eyes closed, listening to a music player. He hummed to himself. The six of them exited the elevator, and the solider

Just hit ctrl+f and replace solider with soldier. Lest I brand thee with a pitchfork.

‘I’m going, I’m going,’ he said, stepping into the cell. He looked around. ‘Huh. I actually kind of miss my old room now.’

Make this a new paragraph, otherwise his voice is kind of lost.

Like, done.

'this happened, then this happened, then this happened, then this happened.'

Sort of = a useless response. But it's true--your action is fine, but again, there's room for shedding light on responses from your characters. I've seen Lucy as a more active/ready-to-fight sort of person, yet she's barely mentioned in a scene where she's being arrested all over again. I reckon this could be avoided quite easily. Time-consumingly, but easily.

Rewrite this from Lucy's viewpoint. That would have several benefits:

1) We haven't seen a lot from her as it is, and she's such an interesting character - or could be - whereas Leo doesn't seem to fit into this scene. We know that Lucy tried to kill the Colonel, yet she's so passive here. From her viewpoint, we might see her decision-making at a time like this (we saw Leo during a similar thing in the first chapter).
2) She doesn't even share a moment's glance at Leo here. They could fight back and lose, or try anyway. We'd find out more about her and discover he thoughts on Leo.
3) Yeah. You see what I mean, but you're in total right to disagree.

Your dialogue has gone a bit choppy. Like what I pointed out earlier with Darien, it's not especially bad, just in need of some refining. When you think things, do you say them in the same way? Who says: "Well, that sounded ominous."? I had him down for the sort of guy who says, "Well, how weird." And again, I wish Leo would be less passive. The Colonel was the guy who introduced him to everything, so I'd have thought he'd be a little concerned to see him go so angrily.

I really think that descriptions will be the best way to counteract the worst of the 'this happened, and that' syndrome you've got going on. Explain thoughts, and even what Darien looked like/how Leo feels about it.


Anyway, I still love the idea. And I hope I've helped. :)

Blinky
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction." ~ Oscar Wilde




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Oh wow, how did all those "solider"s get in there? 0_0

And your idea about rewriting this from Lucy's point of view could actually work really well. I was considering rewriting the chapter after this one from Lucy's POV, as I feel I haven't given enough attention to her, but I think your idea is better.

Thanky very much. ^_^
I wrote the above just for you.



Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain