Breaking Dawn Parody

Winter's Twelfth Night · 2009-01-04T18:22:03Z

* Contains spoilers!!! Do not read if you haven't read Breaking Dawn!! * I'm so sorry to post another Twilight spoof. Please don't feel like you have to read this, for I'm sure that it will be terribly boring. I was bored, so... well... here's the result. Oh and by the way, this script was not intended to insult any Twilight fans or Stephenie Meyer and her series. But it's just so much fun to exaggerate the personalities of the Twilight characters. I don't have anything against Stephenie Meyer and I only portrayed her as an idiot in this script because I think it is entertaining to read. I don't actually think that she is an idiot. : ) Characters: Edward Bella Charlie Priest Carlisle Rosalie Jacob Stephenie Meyer Winter's Twelfth Night BELLA: [sitting in car waiting for EDWARD] Oh my gosh, I hate Edward for giving me this amazing car! I definitely should not be grateful. It makes me feel so self-conscious! EDWARD: [walks over to car and opens door] Bella! [Flings himself on her] I haven’t seen you for like...like… a whole hour! I thought you were dead! Don’t ever, ever, leave me like that again! You didn’t even call me. BELLA: Edward, I just had to get a sweatshirt from Charlie’s house. I was gone for like ten minutes. Why are you freaking out? I’m not dead. EDWARD: Oh. Right. Well then I forgive you. But you better watch your behavior, young lady. I’m an extremely hot, perfect guy and I’m sure that I could find another fiancé who won’t go missing for whole hours. BELLA: What?!? [faints and then goes into New Moon mode] EDWARD: Oh crap, I forgot about that. Bella? I didn’t mean it. Come on, you’re being so dramatic. BELLA: [sits up really quickly at the sound of EDWARD’s voice and smacks her head on the ceiling of the car] Ow. EDWARD IS THAT YOU???!!! Oh my God, I thought I would have to kill myself. [flings herself on EDWARD] EDWARD: Ummm….. [Cut to the wedding. BELLA is standing at the end of the aisle with CHARLIE. They begin to walk.] BELLA: [aside to CHARLIE] Yay Daddy! I’m getting marr- [Trips on nothing and falls on her face] CHARLIE: God, Bella, you’re so uncoordinated. BELLA: [gets up from floor with a bloodstained dress] Dad my nose is broken. It’s bleeding everywhere. CHARLIE: [chuckles] You’ll be fine. Keep walking. [They proceed down the aisle creating a trail of blood drops. EDWARD is trying very hard not to break into a fit of giggles. They reach the altar and the PRIEST says all the marriage stuff] PRIEST: You may now kiss the bride. [BELLA smiles, the lower part of her face is caked in blood] EDWARD: Oh, um, ok. [Grimaces and quickly kisses BELLA, who frowns. Everyone claps and they all leave for dinner.] [Cut to dinner] BELLA: [walks over to EDWARD and slaps him. Her hand goes flying across the room and hits ROSALIE in the back of the head. ROSALIE screams] Ow! My hand! It’s gone! Your face took my hand off! EDWARD: Wait, what? I didn’t feel anything. Oh I’m sorry, were you trying to hurt me? [falls on the floor laughing hysterically] BELLA: Edward! My hand is detached from my body!! Stop rolling on the floor! Somebody go get Carlisle! [CARLISLE staggers over to BELLA and falls on top of EDWARD, giggling uncontrollably. Apparently he has had a little too much wine.] BELLA: Oh screw this, I’m gonna go talk to Jacob. [BELLA walks over to where JACOB is sulking in a corner] BELLA: Hey Jacob. Look what Edward did to my hand. [Shows her bloody stump of an arm] Doesn’t that make you angry? Don’t you want to fight him now? JACOB: Yes. I love you. You love me too. Look, I grew my hair long for you. And I’m smiling. Will you make out with me in front of everyone in the room? BELLA: Well, I don’t know. I’m married now, I’m not sure if I should do that. JACOB: Come on Bella. It doesn’t count if your husband is a vampire. BELLA: Really? Well ok then. [JACOB and BELLA make out very passionately. Intense moment. EDWARD sees and marches over to them. DUH DUH DUUUHHHHHH!] EDWARD: I KILL YOU!!!!! [Kills Jacob with his incredible vampire blood-sucking abilities!] JACOB: [dies] BELLA: OMG Edward! That was not very nice! Why would you do that? Why?? He was my only friend!! Now apologize. EDWARD: Apologize? But Bella, I don’t think you understand- BELLA: Edward, apologize to him NOW! EDWARD: But- ok. I’m sorry Jacob. BELLA: Thank you. I’m sure he forgives you. STEPHENIE MEYER: [suddenly appears next to EDWARD and BELLA] I think I need to add a few more words to this script to make it good. Let’s see… umm… well God-like, of course. What else… dazzle. And… umm... topaz. And beautiful. Masochistic, for sure. And cold and icy. And God-like. And icy. DAZZLE! There, perfect. You may continue with your script now. WINTER’S TWELFTH NIGHT: Umm, thanks. You just ruined my script. Now I can’t continue because of the horrid repetition. STEPHENIE MEYER: Hey, using those words makes me sound smart. Without them my story would be lacking good word choice. WINTER: Well, it already lacks plot and interesting characters so why not add a little repetition? I understand completely. STEPHENIE MEYER: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WINTER: So, you enjoy writing about nothing, then? MEYER: Oh yes I- OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!! LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!! [runs over to CARLISE who is still giggling on the ground] That looks like FUN!! [lies down on the ground and giggles uncontrollably next to CARLISLE] EDWARD: Is that the one that wrote my story? BELLA: I believe that it is in fact my story, Edward. EDWARD: Ha! I laugh at you! If it were not for my beautifulness this series would not have sold even ten copies. BELLA: But I'm uncoordinated! Isn't that fun to read about? WINTER: It's fun to watch! BELLA: [falls on MEYER] MEYER: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! WEEEEEEE!!!! EDWARD: Bella!! Are you ok? BELLA: [Starts to sob] [EDWARD picks BELLA up off the ground and comforts her] EDWARD: It's ok Bella. It's ok. Stephenie Meyer won't hurt you. WINTER: [Rolls her eyes and leaves] MEYER: [suddenly becomes serious and stands up] Or will I? Maybe I am the Volturi in disguise!! EDWARD: Nice disguise. MEYER: Why thank you! My son made it for me. Isn't it beautiful? EDWARD: Quite. BELLA: Edward she's going to hurt me again! Don't let her hurt me!!!! EDWARD: No no, Bella. This is the one that created you! And more importantly, she is the one who created ME! BELLA: Oh, ok then. MEYER: Or am I? WINTER: [Rolls her eyes in the distance]

canislupis

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Fri May 29, 2009 2:18 am

canislupis says... · Fri May 29, 2009 2:18 am

Hi!

You nailed it... This was hysterical.

I love how Jacob is sulking in the corner.

You really got everything without seeming overdone. I can't wait to read the other ones!

You should start an anti-twilight club, just to counter the fifty million pro-twilight clubs. (JK!!!)

Gold Star!

~Lupis

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irishfire

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Fri Jul 24, 2009 11:33 pm

irishfire says... · Fri Jul 24, 2009 11:33 pm

Hahahaha oh my goodness!

You're brilliant! I love Twilight Parodies like this because I know so many Twilight loves and tons more haters!

I worship you! :lol:

-Irish

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Student: Wait, legally?

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pudin.junidf

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Sat Jul 25, 2009 9:36 pm

pudin.junidf says... · Sat Jul 25, 2009 9:36 pm

HAHAHA!!!!! I love this twilight parodies, they're the best. This one was sick, I totally loved it. I can't review, i'ts was way tooo funny to check any mistakes or it was just "flawless".well anyways, extremely hilarious. OMG!! I can read this over and over ( no,I better not do that, It'll loose it's humor.)
You rock!!

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D'une langueur
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midnightread

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Tue Feb 23, 2010 4:05 pm

midnightread says... · Tue Feb 23, 2010 4:05 pm

Hi
I just got told off for laughing so much and its all your fault!!!!!
I'm joking. I love this script, I'm a Twilight lover but I think what you wrote her is so funny. I love the way you added yourself into the script.
midnightread :elephant:

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Growing up is optional.

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Jessey

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Sat Feb 27, 2010 3:08 am

Jessey says... · Sat Feb 27, 2010 3:08 am

That was great! I loved the fact that you put Stephanie in the story. She definitely used the same words over, and over, and over, and over, and...you get my gist? I loved how she popped in and ruined your script

Really good.

Keep writing!
~Jessey

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StoryWeaver13

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Sun Feb 28, 2010 1:10 am

StoryWeaver13 says... · Sun Feb 28, 2010 1:10 am

Haha, nice. *sigghhhh* I got caught up in the Twilight series for like...three days. My parents bought the books and I had to read them (they're books, I'm an obsessive reader...I have a problem, okay?!) But, like you, I realized the whole was a bunch of plotless nothingness and that Breaking Dawn was an even bigger letdown than the others books of the series. Love how you portrayed Stephanie Meyer; the slightly (but hardly) exaggerated personalities of the characters was hilarious too. I think I like your re-write better than the actual series! :lol:

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Hecate

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Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:50 pm

Hecate says... · Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:50 pm

This is absolutely hilarious. I was laughing my head off the WHOLE time. I don't think anyone can review this, it's hard to look for grammar/ spelling or whatever mistakes when you're laughing you're head off. Simply HILARIOUSS!

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skutter11

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Tue Mar 16, 2010 5:15 pm

skutter11 says... · Tue Mar 16, 2010 5:15 pm

Skutter11: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! <Thud>
Janitor: Oh, great! Now I have to carry this smiling body out as well!
Skutter11: I'm not dead I'm in a laughing induced coma, you would be too, if you read this
Janitor looks at script and dies laughing.

Sorry 'bout that. It's just that I thought it was funny! :lol:

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Sins

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Tue Mar 23, 2010 11:31 pm

Sins says... · Tue Mar 23, 2010 11:31 pm

Hey there

I have no idea whatsoever about scripts, but this was pretty darn immense! :lol:

To be perfectly honest, I don't really care about all of the grammar, the techniques and all of that junk. I just want to say that your script was hysterical!

I myself don't actually mind Twilight that much. In fact, I actually like the books. Luckily for you, I'm not one of those obsessive, sad fans, so I simply find this funny as hell! I love how you used the characters personalities and exaggerated them, making them even funnier than they already were!

I was actually laughing out loud reading this!

Please do another one!
Otherwise, I will be over your house with my water pistol. Hell yeah. I'd go there.

xoxo Skins

I didn't know what to put here so I put this.

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Huff Puff

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Mon Aug 23, 2010 6:54 pm

Huff Puff says... · Mon Aug 23, 2010 6:54 pm

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAA
This is HILARIOUSSS! Not such a big fan of Meyer and not at all of Bella!
Looved it!

x

"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast." ~Oscar Wilde.

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Raaayna808

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Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:04 am

Raaayna808 says... · Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:04 am

LOL!
I liked this.
I actually started laughing when Bella makes Edward apologize to Jacob, who is dead.
Ahh, nice parody.

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thestorygirl

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Sun Jan 16, 2011 8:02 pm

thestorygirl says... · Sun Jan 16, 2011 8:02 pm

It's really funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But while I was rolling on the ground lauphing and reading(by the way not a good combination) I read when SM came it sort of mad the parody suck. KEEP DOING PARODIES!!!!!!!!!!

have lot's of fun!!!!!!!

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TDMitchell

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Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:53 am

TDMitchell says... · Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:53 am

Absolutely hilarious! Fantastic way to satirise one of the biggest and most soppiest and half-witted and predictable novel/movie franchises in the 21st century by using cliches Meyer created her and using them against her.
I absolutely loved it. I haven’t read the books or seen the movies, and I also refuse to. But this - this just sums it up.

I wouldn’t mind seeing this on TV for some comedy sketch program like Double Take or something. Such fun and what a joy to read.

Keep up the good work!

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