Transience

Trying a different form...I quite like it. Stream-of-consciousness-ish. Definitely promotes inspiration, anyway.


Transience

a footprint in the sand or the imprint of a fingertip
in the icing of a cake, one of many
and only one, like a solo voice in an empty room-
surrounded by echoes yet still alone
a single tree growing in a forest, fighting for a place in the sun

and like a fool I think that if I could just
dig a little deeper, make a bigger hollow in the sand
the tide (sweeping, rolling majesty, a turquoise moment
unfixed and ever-moving out of time)
would leave the traces of my existence, let them settle
and fossilize the remnants of my life
like the bones of unknown creatures to be found
and glorified in a museum of the ages, a monument
to the transience of immortality

that I could for one brief moment still the axis
(rotating backwards, going nowhere)
and play truant from the ravages of probability

for the first time overcoming
the restraint imposed by death.

i really like this, especially the tone. you're right, it is very stream-of-conscious, which can be hard to pull off.

that I could for one brief moment still the axis
(rotating backwards, going nowhere)
and play truant from the ravages of probability

that part was great, it really brought home the message of the poem at the right time. i like how you didn't go off-track too much, which can sometimes weaken stream-of-conscious poems if not done exactly right.
great work!

bubblewrapped wrote:Transience

a footprint in the sand or the imprint of a fingertip
in the icing of a cake, one of many
and only one, like a solo voice in an empty room-
surrounded by echoes yet still alone
a single tree growing in a forest, fighting for a place in the sun

and like a fool I think that if I could just
dig a little deeper, make a bigger hollow in the sand
the tide (sweeping, rolling majesty, a turquoise moment
unfixed and ever-moving out of time)
would leave the traces of my existence, let them settle
and fossilize the remnants of my life
like the bones of unknown creatures to be found
and glorified in a museum of the ages, a monument
to the transience of immortality

that I could for one brief moment still the axis
(rotating backwards, going nowhere)
and play truant from the ravages of probability

for the first time overcoming
the restraint imposed by death.

I like this! This was really good, I saw it on the last page, and decided to take a look. It was worth reading, good job!
Need any more reviews, just shoot me a PM and I'll take a look!

~xX~Forsakinshadow~Xx~