The Man at Station Four

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The Man at Station Four

He may have always been there,
The man at station four -
He sits there like a marble ghost,
And looks at the polished floor.

His wide-brimmed hat is lowered,
His shoes are wet with rain,
And as the distant whistle blows,
He stands to watch the train.

His eyes are deep with sorrow,
His cheeks are taut and white,
His hands are in his pockets
As he stares into the night.

A man possessed he watches,
His dark eyes rimmed with red,
His shadowed lips are tightened
With the tears he’s never shed.

His chin is ornamental,
His auburn hair ignites,
His face is dipped and wrinkled
In the fast-approaching lights.

But now the train is slowing,
It pulls in with a roar -
The man in the hat is walking
Up to the open door.

He makes his way in silence,
His face is laced with pain,
And the black doors close behind him
As he boards the waiting train.

It starts up with a whistle,
It moves forth with a growl -
His face is in the window
And the wind begins to howl.

Down the track he thunders,
The dark night like a pall,
He races on ‘til the tunnel ends
In a three-foot-thick brick wall.

He may have always been there,
The man at station four -
He sits there like a marble ghost
And looks at the polished floor.

His wide-brimmed hat is lowered,
His shoes are wet with rain,
And as the distant whistle blows,
He stands to watch the train.


Well, I was having trouble rhyming things...and this just sort of happened. I cant make up my mind whether the train is real or not. :shock: I still kinda like it though. Sort of Highwayman-ish. No depth, but a fun ride, hehe.
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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Pretty good. The only suggestion that I could make would be to change the last line on the eighth stanza. It sort of breaks the rhythm. Someone could make a very nice story out of this poem. I'm very curious as to why he's so sad.




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Love this. I always love people watching, even if it's in my head :shock: The rhyming worked, which is cool cos normally I kinda dislike structured poems. Simple but effective words, and very clear images. You kept your rhythm pretty much all through, and if you broke it, it wasn't painful enough for me to catch it. Good work.




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I know this may sound totally weird, but for some reason, this reminded me of Dr. Seuss. On a more advanced level, however. But consider this a compliment! Dr. Seuss is one of the best writer's alive! I mean, one of the best writers that was once alive!




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I...I LIKE this...and it RHYMES! It's...it's a miracle!

Ok, to be more serious, this was enjoyable. Very Highwaymanish, if not near as long or...sensational. I'm sorry, but the Highwayman is one of my all time favs and even resides in my fav folder. Still, this is art, and of all lies, art is the least untrue. Though it must be said, the business of the poet is not to find new emotions, but to use the ordinary ones and, in working them up to poetry, to exspress feelings which are not actual emotions at all.
I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on E-bay.




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Well, you certainly have a grasp on rhyme schemes, and there's nothing awkward about the poem. I enjoyed this, but like you said, I didn't retain any great impact on my life. So I want comment on it like it's supposed to be one. In general I liked this poem. The flow was excellent and the rhythm was very good. You kept my attention, although most well done rhyming poems do, without straining my brain too hard. I needed that. I think this is good, and you could probably make it have some deeper meaning if you tried, but it's very good the way it is.
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson




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He may have always been there,
The man at station four -
He sits there like a marble ghost,
And looks at the polished floor.

His wide-brimmed hat is lowered,
His shoes are wet with rain,
And as the distant whistle blows,
He stands to watch the train.

His eyes are deep with sorrow,
His cheeks are taut and white,
His hands are in his pockets
As he stares into the night.

A man possessed he watches,
His dark eyes rimmed with red,
His shadowed lips are tightened
With the tears he’s never shed.

His chin is ornamental,
His auburn hair ignites,
His face is dipped and wrinkled
In the fast-approaching lights.

But now the train is slowing,
It pulls in with a roar -
The man in the hat is walking
Up to the open door.

He makes his way in silence,
His face is laced with pain,
And the black doors close behind him
As he boards the waiting train.

It starts up with a whistle,
It moves forth with a growl -
His face is in the window
And the wind begins to howl.

Down the track he thunders,
The dark night like a pall,
He races on ‘til the tunnel ends
In a three-foot-thick brick wall.

He may have always been there,
The man at station four -
He sits there like a marble ghost
And looks at the polished floor.

His wide-brimmed hat is lowered,
His shoes are wet with rain,
And as the distant whistle blows,
He stands to watch the train

Wow. You have trouble rhyming things? Are you freakin' KIDDING ME?
This is the best poem in the world.
Hands down. It means so much. I mean, hes always there.. watching the train. He always says and does nothing.
Such pictures you see. God you are so descriptive its ridiculous. Is this poem published?
PUBLISH IT.
KEEP WRITING.
FOR THE GOOD OF THE WORLD.
Got YWS?




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WOW is all I really can say...I mean this was the first poem i've read so far that I could actually picture the main character in such detail. I agree with the others that this should be published somewhere. I mean, this was very VERY good!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Your lines are read kind of choppy, and i think it's the fact that you have soooo many commas you don't need. try and write this in paragraph form and add the punctuation, then put in the line breaks.
A.V. [[Ashurii]]
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That was quite enjoyable to read. I could really picture the whole thing mentally, which is something I LOVE to be able to do. In my opinion the train isn't real, it's his subconcious telling him he wants to go, he wants to get away from what he has always done. Nice touch, repeating the last two stanza's from the first two...
PM me sometime and help me with my poetry!

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I like all the details, it gives you a feel that you are actually there, but also it makes me want to know what exactlyhappens with the man? or is there some background to him?




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I really love this. I mean its not everyday you get the chills while reading a poem. You made this guy seem so real with his emotions and all...at first to tell you the truth I thought he was going to stand in the middle of the tracks and wait for the train to run him over. Well anyways I loved this, you should get it published.
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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I Love it.
It show's something simple yet deep.
You have to wonder about that man and who he is...or what he is for that matter.
The Ryming was not off except for a sentence.
I don't tend to focus on Grammer or spelling.
Let me just say, you did very well.
A person's heart is like a painting.
Because it's fragile, yet it bring's the greatest emotions to you.




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This was wonderful. I loved it. I could not stop reading. I am curious about whether he is a real ghost or whether he is more metaphorical, though... perhaps that is to be left for interpretation?

It was great how you wrapped it up with the same way you began, but I would suggest changing the last line up a bit to give it something new.
How hard can it be to just let go and drift away with the wind?




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This is really great bubbles. The flow is perfect and the rhyme works really well. I love your vivid descriptions, and the repetition was a nice touch. I loved;
"He stands to watch the train. "
For a simple line, it seemed to hold great power. I wish I could be more helpful, but I really can't fault this.
Jas
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou



If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there.
— George Harrison