First Kiss, edit

I really enjoyed this except for one part:

I feel his hand brush my cheek, I feel him coming closer, his nose grazing mine as he tilts his head to the side…and begins licking my face in long, slobbery laps.

That sort of terrified me, considering I didn't know it was a dream at the moment. I'd suggest you do more easing into the lick of Sandy. That's all, otherwise it was terrific!

Hey! I've just checked my Will Review For Food thread for the first time this year. It's probably a bit late for you to use this review for any good, but hopefully I'll be able to pick a few things up anyway.

“No, but thank you,” he smiles.

Gah. Watch your dialogue tags here. Remember that "said" is always the best choice. People kind of skim over it when they read it, whereas others can jar quite a bit. Try checking the whole piece for your dialogue tags. Skimming over it, you don't seem to have much, but just watch it in writing in general.

I've yet to be kissed by any other than my family.

This sentence is awkward. Try re-wording it.

and begins licking my face in long, slobbery laps.

Laps? The word seems a bit odd in this context. This is pretty good. It managed to get a laugh out of me, anyway.

My eyes snapped open in disgust.

Your eyes are disgusted?

It was just in moments like these when I hate them.

These? This is present tense, as far as I can tell, while the rest of the section is in past tense.

Not at all fazed by her fall, she just jumped back up to thoroughly bathe my face in dog slobber.

You don't need the adverb. "Bathe" implies "thoroughly."

Well, that's it for my nit-picks. This was an entertaining short piece. I thought it was quite amusing. How old is it, anyway? I hope your school appreciates it, and that this gave you sufficient pain.

-Mat

That was extremely cute. I liked it, and look forward to reading more from you. I don't have any critque, no more than what everyone else has already said, so good luck and happy writing! =]

The way you had the dream end had me rolling
it was hilarious.
But I wanna know who the guy was :]

You're awesome, Matt.

As of Matt's post, this is fixed. I anyone finds it in need of improvement, please shred it down to ribbons.

Monstrar and Easy -- thanks, guys. And the guy is just a made-up man. No basis in reality. he was originally supposed to be over the top and larger than life, too prefect to be true, but I've been trying to cut out the cheese in this draft and have the dream feel a bit more realistic. Don't know how I'm doing there, but thanks for the thumbs up.

i like it alot. very funny and it sounds like something that would happen to me. =] i would just recommend taking out the sentence about harry potter to make it even better.

"Harry Potter said it was wet." I recommend taking this out to make your story even better. I really like it. Its cute yet funny. I think i like it so much becuase its one of those dreams everyone has at somepoint. where you see the really cute guy/girl and then something bizzare happens and totally ruins it for you.=] lol. anyway you did really good on this one id like to see more of this story.

Ok. I loved this. It was funny and fresh and the resteruant scene kind of reminded me of Bella and Edward in Twilight. And i love those books so im not complaining. XD Well Done.

Hello!

“No, but thank you,” he smiles.

Since you can't smile words out of your mouth, that's not a dialogue tag.

I twist my ring around on my finger [s]nervously[/s] and look back at him.

You show her she's nerves with the twist; so don't tell us too! ^^


Hahahaahah Dreamer, you win a prize. That is HILARIOUS!

At first, I was a grumble monster. "This has no conflict! What is this doing! ahhhhh!!!!" But the twist... You have won me. I would say, however, beef up the conflict at the beginning so I keep reading! I loved the descriptions you gave in the the seventh paragraphs. ("I hesitate...") At least, before the whole dog slobbering thing. The details were perfect, you had me completely hooked into the moment. I especially loved the Harry Potter comment, not really because I'm a fan (I'm indifferent) but because of the amount of character it shows in the narrator.

I'm not a big fan of the present tense, but I'll let it slip this once.

My dear, you win points. This was lovely.

I love this. You have some creative writing but there were a few things that I picked out on as well as some other people.

Most of these few things, a majority of people would have already picked upon.

1. "and where the candle was almost brighter than the chandelier"
-this doesn't really makes a whole lot of sense. Maybe try to re-write it.

2."He's handsome, has the smile you would see on a magazine"
-kinda the same as the last. It makes sense but see if you can try to re-write so it flows better, like putting in a full-stop where the comma is.

3. "I bite my lip and hide my hands under the table, worried I might knock something over"
-Nice sentence but a few words needed to be read over. Instead of "I bite my lip and hide my hands under the table" [i]I bit my lip and hid my hands under the table.
But it demands on which stage your trying to write in (eg. past, present, future). If you aiming to write in the present then by all means, the sentence is fantastic!

4."Everything on the table looked like a disaster ready to happen"
-this one wasn't at all bad but instead of a disaster ready to happen, try a disaster waiting to happen.
It doiesn't really matter but I guess it just flows more.

5. "I take a breath and lean forward again until I can feel his breath on my chin"
- Again, demands on which stage your aiming to write from. Great setence if you were writing in the present.

6. "Our lips are almost touching, there's hardly any air between us"
- Doesn't really flow as there is always going to be air between anyone. So maybe change tha air part and put in, our lips were almost touching, there was hardly an inch between us. (again with the stage writing thing. Demands what your writing in)

7. "I feel his hand brush my cheek, I feel him coming closer, his nose grazing mine as he tilts his head to the side…and begins licking my face in long, slobbery laps"
-again, demands on which stage your trying to write.

Well that was pretty much all. Alot of this things are just simple. Your story sounds great the way it is but these are just a few things that might make it flow a little more but other than that, you have done a fantastic job. Keep it up!

Ack, pesky tenses. Try writing a story in anything other than past tense, and they'll give you a field day.

For the first part, I was writing it in present tense, but if you found any inconsistencies, please, let me know! The last part (when she wakes out of her dream) was meant to be in past (normal) tense, so I think that part might be fine. Again, though, let me know if anything's amiss.

Thanks for the review!

Lol I liked it ! At the beginning I was expecting something totally different. I liked what you did with it though. It was funny and very unique. WHat was it a dog or something? Ha. Anyways, liked it keep up the good writing! x