First Kiss, edit

It's a pretty restaurant. We had picked a back table in a nook, further away from the people, and where the candle was almost brighter than the chandelier. The waitress comes by with the check, asking if we want any dessert.

“No, but thank you,” he smiles. She smiles back at both of us and puts the check on the table before slipping away.

He turns to face me. He's handsome, has the smile you would see on a magazine. Gorgeous guy. I bite my lip and hide my hands under the table, worried I might knock something over. I’m clumsy and average looking. Normally, the former was an annoyance and the latter didn’t matter. But what if I knocked over my glass, spilt ice water over both of us, or worse, just him? Everything on the table looked like a disaster ready to happen. Why did he agree to a date?

Maybe because he’s great, and he doesn't care that I'm younger and odd-looking.

He has a car as well as the legal right to drive it. I'm still learning the laws of the road. And he's almost a year older. My eyes pursue every decorative swirl on the wall paper, trying to determine if they’re all the same. A year older. He's probably kissed lots of girls. I've yet to be kissed by any other than my family. What is he thinking of me? He's staring at me. Does he think I'm a cheap ticket? Or does he not care about the age and beauty difference? Would he have said yes to a date otherwise? I twist my ring around on my finger nervously and look back at him.

He leans forward carefully, like he's nervous, too. He looks like he's asking a question, like he's inviting me to lean forward with him. I do, but only a little, no more than he had. Don't make assumptions. He smiles and leans closer. He wants to kiss me, I think to myself. He wants to kiss me.

I hesitate a moment as a barrage of questions attack my mind. I take a breath and lean forward again until I can feel his breath on my chin. Would it be slobbery? Harry Potter said it was wet. Or dry-ish? Soft and electric? Gentle and intimate? I close my eyes, trying to stop questioning this moment so I can enjoy it. Our lips are almost touching, there's hardly any air between us. Was it true that you couldn't breathe during a kiss, a real kiss? What if I couldn't hold my breath as long as him and I jerk away gasping for air? That would be horrible and very unromantic. I feel his hand brush my cheek, I feel him coming closer, his nose grazing mine as he tilts his head to the side…and begins licking my face in long, slobbery laps. I jump back and shove him away.

"What are you doing?" I demand. He only barks and starts licking my face again.

My eyes snapped open in disgust. Groaning at the all-to-familiar goop on my face, I shoved my dog off of me. Normally, I didn't have a problem with Sandy's wake-up methods. It was just in moments like these when I hate them. Sandy fell off the bed with a thump. Not at all fazed by her fall, she just jumped back up to thoroughly bathe my face in dog slobber.

"Knock it off. See? Speaking. I'm up." And when Sandy continued to fill my ear with slime, "Go get food," I said, flinging my hand in the general direction of the door.

At the mention of food, Sandy was off, claws clapping on the hard wood floor as she raced to the kitchen. I threw my head back in my pillow, muttering a few of Tolkien’s dwarven curses as I futilely tried to reclaim the already-lost dream.

~*~

A/N: Don't often go back and pull up old pieces, but have another school thing I'd like get credit for, and was planning on using this. As such, please send the nice crittiquers in your head on holiday for a few minutes and open up the doors to the vicious, n00b-flaming, kitten-eating evils that are your inner heart-bashing critiquers. No where on this planet do I crave pain as much as I do here, so roll it out!

HaHa. Funny

Normally, the first was an annoyance and the second didn’t matter.

This sentence did not make sense to me in the spot it was. What is she talking about? The fact that she is clumsy and normal looking?

I close my eyes, trying to stop questioning this moment so I can enjoy it.

I think changing this to the would help the sentence sound better. It sounds a little odd.

You had a couple of odd sentences in there, but that's all I could see. I liked the fact that I couldn't tell it was a dream until she woke up. Good job on that.

Hahahahahaha, that was good.
Funny plot. Short and sweet.
I liked the Harry Potter part.

Hello Dreamer.

We had picked a back table in a nook, further away from the talking and people, and where the candle was almost brighter than the chandelier.

Hrmm. What do you mean the candle was brighter than the chandelier? Don't all candle light produce the same amount of brightness?

I feel his hand brush my cheek, I feel him coming closer, his nose grazing mine as he tilts his head to the side…and begins licking my face in long, slobbery laps.

This is kind of a run on sentence. I think you can break it up a bit here.

Overall impressions:

So yeah, I have seen this piece before, and I can see that it's more tightly structured now which is good. Consider my following suggestions:

1)Why the use of allusions?

I notice that you made about 2 literacy references in this piece, and one on a magazine. I'm thinking that your narrator reads quite a lot of books (a bookworm), but I didn't really get that full impression of her. I'm thinking that you could show more of her home in the real world or make her love for books more evident. Up to you really as to how you aim to achieve this. I just feel that the literacy references right now seem detached with the narrative.

2)Sensory imagery

I think you should use more sensory imagery in the dream sequence (particularly the sense of smell). Restaurants normally give off his smell that kind of draws you in and appeals to your appetite even more. This draws in closely with the idea of "desire". As humans, we eat not only to survive, but also to enjoy the tastes and favours. Similarly, physical attraction plays a vital factor in one's desires for a relationship/sex. Your piece right now only considers the relationship between men and women and how it links to a dog's desire of wanting to lick the owner's face, but not the restaurant itself. Your setting of a restaurant actually holds quite a lot of meaning and contributing factor to the overall theme of the piece. It would add more depth to your piece if you can draw out the wider ramifications of restaurants and how it links to the overall theme of "desire" in your piece.

But yea, overall, it's pretty good and I kind of like it. Good work and I wish you luck as you improve this piece even more.

Andy.

Hi, Not Me! I don't think I've even reviewed very much by you? Well, it's about time!

It was a pretty restaurant. We had picked Considering the fact your story is in present tense, shouldn't this be "have picked"? a back table in a nook, further away from the talking and people, and where the candle was almost brighter than the chandelier. In a twisted way, I like this, though I don't get it. The waitress comes by with the check, asking if we want wanted? any dessert.

“No, but thank you,” he smiles. She smiles back at both of us and puts the check on the table before slipping away. Slipping? What an interesting word choice.


He turns to face me. He's handsome, and has [s]the[/s] a smile you would see on a magazine. Beautiful boy. Somehow, her calling him "boy" makes me think she's confident and not dependent of him! I bite my lip and hide my hands under the table, worried I might knock something over. Heh. I’m clumsy and average looking. Could you explain a little? What's average looking? I'd like to see a little more details. Normally, the first was an annoyance and the second didn’t matter. Maybe change this to "former" and "latter"? Plus you'll have a nice rhyme "the latter didn't matter"! But what if I knocked over my glass, spilt ice water over both of us, or worse, just him? Everything on the table looked like a disaster ready to happen. Why did he agree to a date? Maybe because he’s great More! I could imagine she'd think he's the most gorgeous creature in the world. And now she just says "great"., and he doesn't care that I'm younger and odd-looking. I'd change this to "I'm younger and look odd."

You're kind of juggling with the past and present tense here. It's a little confusing.

He has a car as well as the legal right to drive it. I'm still learning the laws of the road. And he's a year older. Woah! What a huge age difference! My eyes pursue every decorative swirl on the wall paper, trying to determine if they’re all the same. I'd so do this, too. A year older. He's probably kissed lots of girls. I've yet to be kissed by any other than my family. What is he thinking of me? He's staring at me. Does he think I'm a cheap ticket? Or does he not care about the age and beauty difference? Would he have said yes to a date otherwise? I twist my ring around on my finger nervously and look back at him.

I liked this paragraph very much. I love it people don't take their writing too seriously. And yes, this was a compliment.


He leans forward carefully, like he's nervous, too. He looks like he's asking a question "His expression is inquiring" would sound better to me, like he's inviting me to lean forward with him. I do, but only a little, no more than he had. He smiles and leans closer. He wants to kiss me, I think to myself. He wants to kiss me.


I hesitate a moment as a barrage of questions attack my mind. I take a breath and lean forward again until I can feel his breath on my chin. Would it be slobbery? Harry Potter said it would be. Haha! Or dry-ish? Soft and electric? Gentle and intimate? I close my eyes, trying to stop questioning this moment so I can enjoy it. Our lips are almost touching, there's hardly any air between us. Was it true that you couldn't breathe during a kiss, a real kiss? What if I couldn't hold my breath as long as him and I jerk away gasping for air? That would be horrible and very unromantic. I feel his hand brush my cheek, I feel him coming closer, his nose grazing mine as he tilts his head to the side…and begins licking my face in long, slobbery laps. I jump back and shove him away. I'd suggest you start a new line for the dialogue bit. "What are you doing?" I demand. He only barks and starts licking my face again.


My eyes snapped open in disgust. Groaning at the all-to-familiar goop on my face, I shoved my dog off of me. Normally, I didn't have a problem with Sandy's wake-up methods. It was just in moments like these when I hate them. Sandy fell off the bed with a thump. Not at all fazed by her fall, she just jumped back up to thoroughly bathe my face in dog slobber.


"Knock it off. See? Speaking. I'm up." And when Sandy continued to fill my ear with slime, "Go get food," I said, flinging my hand in the general direction of the door.

At the mention of food, Sandy was off, claws clapping on the hard wood floor as she raced to the kitchen. I threw my head back in my pillow, muttering a few of Tolkien’s dwarven curses as I futilely tried to reclaim the already-lost dream.

Oh, gosh. I loved this. I think that's exactly how I would behave on a first date! The narrator's paranoia about not being able to breathe during a kiss, and the other things she keeps asking from herself, were really enjoyable to read. This made me feel very joyful, which means I'm having this stupid grin on. And the ending was great, too. Overall, this was a feel-good piece. Thanks for the read, Not Me!

And you know what to do when you want a review from me again! ('Cause I know you do!)


Not You
xxx

Cute, it's funny. Sounds like something I'd dream of if I had a dog.

But what if I knocked over my glass, spilt ice water over both of us, or worse, just him?

I think that between "glass" and "spilt", there should be an "and" instead of a comma.

It was entertaining, I enjoyed reading it. 8/10.

Cheers,
Lily.

Dreamer wrote:It was a pretty restaurant. We had picked a back table in a nook, further away from the talking and people, and where the candle was almost brighter than the chandelier. The waitress comes by with the check, asking if we want any dessert.
“No, but thank you,” he smiles. She smiles back at both of us and puts the check on the table before slipping away.

He turns to face me. He's handsome,and has the smile you would see on a magazine. Beautiful boy. I bite my lip and hide my hands under the table, worried I might knock something over. I’m clumsy and average looking. Normally, the first was an annoyance and the second didn’t matter. But what if I knocked over my glass, spilt ice water over both of us, or worse, just him? Everything on the table looked like a disaster ready to happen. Why did he agree to a date? Maybe because he’s great, and he doesn't care that I'm younger and odd-looking.
He has a car as well as the legal right to drive it. I'm still learning the laws of the road. And he's a year older. My eyes pursue every decorative swirl on the wall paper, trying to determine if they’re all the same. A year older. He's probably kissed lots of girls. I've yet to be kissed by any other than my family. What is he thinking of me? He's staring at me. Does he think I'm a cheap ticket? Or does he not care about the age and beauty difference? Would he have said yes to a date otherwise? Maybe yoou could combine some questions here I twist my ring around on my finger nervously and look back at him.

He leans forward carefully, like he's nervous, too. He looks like he's asking a question, like he's inviting me to lean forward with him. I do, but only a little, no more than he had. He smiles and leans closer. He wants to kiss me, I think to myself. He wants to kiss me.

I hesitate a moment as a barrage of questions attack my mind. I take a breath and lean forward again until I can feel his breath on my chin. Would it be slobbery? Harry Potter said it would be. Or dry-ish? Soft and electric? Gentle and intimate? I close my eyes, trying to stop questioning this moment so I can enjoy it. Our lips are almost touching, there's hardly any air between us. Was it true that you couldn't breathe during a kiss, a real kiss? What if I couldn't hold my breath as long as him and I jerk away gasping for air? That would be horrible and very unromantic. I feel his hand brush my cheek, I feel him coming closer, his nose grazing mine as he tilts his head to the side…and begins licking my face in long, slobbery laps. I jump back and shove him away. "What are you doing?" I demand. He only barks and starts licking my face again.

My eyes snapped open in disgust. Groaning at the all-to-familiar goop on my face, I shoved my dog off of me. Normally, I didn't have a problem with Sandy's wake-up methods. It was just in moments like these when I hate them. Sandy fell off the bed with a thump. Not at all fazed by her fall, she just jumped back up to thoroughly bathe my face in dog slobber.

"Knock it off. See? Speaking. I'm up." And when Sandy continued to fill my ear with slime, "Go get food," I said, flinging my hand in the general direction of the door.
At the mention of food, Sandy was off, claws clapping on the hard wood floor as she raced to the kitchen. I threw my head back in my pillow, muttering a few of Tolkien’s dwarven curses as I futilely tried to reclaim the already-lost dream.


___

A/N: Don't often go back and pull up old pieces, but have another school thing I'd like get credit for, and was planning on using this. As such, please send the nice crittiquers in your head on holiday for a few minutes and open up the doors to the vicious, n00b-flaming, kitten-eating evils that are your inner heart-bashing critiquers. No where on this planet do I crave pain as much as I do here, so roll it out!

Aww! I though it was a sweet short piece! I could only be mean with 2 tiny details though...sorry!

Hey Dreamer!

This was really cute. I like how your MC was having a dream and then her dog ruined everything. But one thing that concerns me is, that these type of stories are done a lot and the only way you can distinguish this from many other stories like this, is dialog and description.

The two Ds are the strengths of any story along with it being structured well with a good hook, middle, and end, and along with it being well-written you have a good, original story. This was written well. I like the lightness of it and how she sounded just like any regular teenage girl, but that can also be a problem. You don't want her to be like every other teenage girl in stories, you want to make her different. And I see you tried to do that by making her book savvy, especially fantasy fiction savvy. As Squall said or quite like it, you can present that she likes books more, make it more prominent.

A way you can do this is 1. Utilize the fact that she's in a dream and 2. Use dialog.
Have her date relate to her when she talks about books. In a dream, everything goes just the way you want it to, so show that. And dialog is good in all short stories. Otherwise, this guy will seem like some paper doll instead of an actual character. He may not be as important as the MC but he's there.

There was only one thing that ultimately threw me off.

He turns to face me. He's handsome, has the smile you would see on a magazine. Beautiful boy.

From writing many stories where the guys were unbelievably handsome, I know from many other critiques that people did for me that just saying the words handsome and beautiful are not going to make him beautiful. Every last detail from what she hears, smells, sees, is just as important as what she's thinking.

So remember the two Ds and I have no doubt that this won't get better.

Thanks for the read and if you have any questions feel free to PM me.

~Angel

One shred, comin' right up.

She smiles back at both of us and puts the check on the table before slipping away.

I personally find this sentence long and a little hard to read. Break it up.

Beautiful boy.

Is this the name of the magazine or what she's thinking about him?

Normally, the first was an annoyance and the second didn’t matter. But what if I knocked over my glass, spilt ice water over both of us, or worse, just him?

These sentences don't fit well together. The first one isn't complete (we have no idea that this date isn't "normal" for her) and the second one doesn't have an anteseedent. Complete them!

Maybe because he’s great, and he doesn't care that I'm younger and odd-looking.

"Odd-looking" isn't something I'd use to describe myself. Plain, maybe, or a description of what I don't particularily like about myself, but not "odd." If she were talking about her personality, fine, but not looks.

Does he think I'm a cheap ticket?

Huh? Cheep date I get, cheep ticket I don't.

I think to myself.

She's not a telepath, is she? Delete "to myself" unless she is.

Would it be slobbery?

Slobbery is not a word I'd use to describe a human kiss. Wet, on the other hand...

Harry Potter said it would be.

Do we really need this?

What if I couldn't hold my breath as long as him and I jerk away gasping for air?

"Jerk" is a present tense verb when everything else is past/past perfect.

I threw my head back in my pillow, muttering a few of Tolkien’s dwarven curses as I futilely tried to reclaim the already-lost dream.

Nice, but not at the same time. Nice: The emotion of loosing that dream. Not: Tolkien. We haven't exactly gotten enough to say she's a bookworm for this to fit.

Overall: It was okay. I like the concept, and since it's a dream you understand how a guy that's so hot would ask a normal looking girl out, but I didn't like the book references. It feels like you're playing on the steryotype that plain-looking girls who haven't been kissed by sixteen/seventeen are bookworms/geeks. By using that steryotype in perticular you might push away readers who fall into that category (sixteen/seventeen never been kissed).

The emotions and questions however are very, very real. I can see that happening and hear those questions going on.

Hope I helped!

~Rosey

I enjoyed the reference to Tolkien at the end, but I can't remember anywhere in Harry Potter where he talked about that kind of thing, so that book reference didn't work for me. One thing I'd like to see more of, like others have said, is a discription of the restraurant. I automatically got the idea a nicer type of burger joint, which obviously does not fit with what you're writing about. For some reason the waitress irks me to, but why I can't quite put a finger on... sorry. I actually like the fact that we don't know alot about her life, and about her situation. It makes it feel to me like she could be anyone. You show you MC's emotions very very well, and I liked this a lot! I hope my review helped.

Ah... yes. The waitress. She irked people last time, too. I'd get rid of her, but that means there's that much less of a description (the check, after dinner, end of date, etc) and there's not a lot to begin with. If you guys wouldn't mind that, then I'd be more than happy to get rid of her altogether.

And tenses! Pesky things, jump me every time. Thanks, guys, for pointing that out. I shall get back to work on hunting the things down and (hopefully) fix them all this time.

I'm sorry for the lateness of this critique.

But I am here am I not?


I have nothing against the waitress, my brain functions in such way that these things never bother me too much.

Now to the actual critiquing:

Grammar

for your luck, there isn't too many mistakes here, nothing that would disturb a reading experience at least.

Just this: .

I feel his hand brush my cheek, [this should be ; not , ] I feel him coming closer, his nose grazing mine as he tilts his head to the side…and begins licking my face in long, slobbery laps.

Oh yeah and ... Tenses, you start with past simple and the move on to present (which is a hard tense to write in) and then back to past. I would give you this advise: Write your pieces in one tense, preferably past tense.

*takes a notepad and slaps you on the head with it*

now
word choices

I want to quote this part:

We had picked a back table in a nook, further away from the talking and people,

Talking and people? why not talking people or something similar, *slaps you with the notepad again*

He turns to face me. He's handsome, has the smile you would see on a magazine. Beautiful boy.

First off: Handsome and beautiful are different things, a person cannot be handsome and beautiful, it would look absurd. Just thing about a man who is both beautiful and handsome *shivers*

And why not rephrase the quoted sentence into something like this:
"He's handsome and has a smile you could see on a magazine model. A handsome boy."

Why did he agree to a date?

He had agreed to the date earlier, they were already on the date.

So: "Why had agreed to go on a date?"

*gets a hammer and slams you on the head.*

What if I couldn't hold my breath as long as him and I jerk away gasping for air?

I read this line a few times and then decided to check it with my microsoft word because I wasn't sure if there was a mistake... Guess what it seemed that there was.

"What if I couldn't hold my breath as long as he could and I jerk away gasping for air?"

He only barks and starts licking my face again.

This line is a good example why stories "should" be written in past tense... read it a few times, it just doesn't sound right. Somehow it just doesn't.

*Whacks himself with the notepad*

Adjective using

Nothing to say here. Although... no wait for the description part of the review.

Characters
You told us in an indirect way... no, you SHOWED us (which is excellent, not everyone knows how to do this,) that the MC is... I can't find the word... I'll just use the word nerdy because I can't think of anything better at the time.

*Gives you a cake for the good job*

but you didn't describe the characters outlooks too much... just with the words "odd-looking" which is not nearly enough.

*takes cake away*

Description

Whops I think I said this already in "Characters." *Hides his head in shame*
Dialogue
...
...
...
Here have a cake.¨


that's about it.. Take it or leave it. Good work by the way.

Oh and you can keep the cake.

**********************************************************************************

LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

Im only new, so please lol be kind i only want to help hehe.

feel his hand brush my cheek, I feel him coming closer, his nose grazing mine as he tilts his head to the side…and begins licking my face in long, slobbery laps. I jump back and shove him away. "What are you doing?" I demand. He only barks and starts licking my face again.

[/quote]

I really like this bit, found it well writen and funny. Cracked up alil bit myself really

Only real thing I had a issue with was this bit,

Normally, the first was an annoyance and the second didn’t matter.

I don't really get it, what is she thinking about what is she doing as such. I just dont think it makes sense. Change it, fix it something lol.

Besides that its good, better than other i have read Well done!


BTW hehe.

muttering a few of Tolkien’s dwarven curses as I futilely tried to reclaim the already-lost dream

Love it, Tolkien fan myself. Placed well

Edited and Updated as of Bunny's post. Thanks, guys, for looking at it. Anything else?

The ending actually surprised me in a funny way, so nice work!

To make it even more believable and really get the reader invested in thinking that the kiss is going to happen, you should try to anchor us into the scene a little more. Little details and hints...maybe build up a little more tension, by suggesting that the date went by so fast, it was a blur (as dreams tend to be) and use some more of her thoughts and description as she is trying to figure out what is going on. Is she excited? Is her heart beating wildly? Is she freaking out because she suddenly realizes she doesn't even know his name?

If you make it even more realistic than we (as the readers) will be even more heartbroken and disappointed when it turns out to be her dog--that will be the beginnings of a great story!