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WOW
i read 1 and 2 and i think they're both amazing and i really enjoyed reading them.
It was weird reading my own name so many times though! haha

I can't pick up on any grammatical errors and all that as mine aren't perfect myself and i wouldnt be such a hypocrite to do so!
I think both pieces were very emotional and moving and i particularly liked the repitition you used throughout..
if both of these were just experiments, i cant imagine how good a final piece of yours would be, i wish i could write like you!

gold star



- Helen x

This freaks me out. It's refreshingly good, though. Is there more?

Kay, gonna nitpick.

The artist formally known as Helen.

Artist, aye? I think you mean formerly known as.

I’m Helen, sorry, I’ve realized that there is a world outside these four walled rooms.

I have the suspicion that the comma after “sorry” should be something else. Or it should be followed by a “and”.

Hopefully she'll be able to avoid a concussion.

Lol, this was great.

Your story draws strange parallels with my own. My MC is Elena, and she’s insane too, but less obviously. And it’s from her point of view.

OMG, okay, it's official, we have identical minds when it comes to books. Tess, Jane Eyre, Markus Zusak, Just In Case... heehee! I would have left another comment on your guestbook, but I thought three was a bit excessive.

You should have told me straight out that there was a second part!

I. NITPICKS

They used to eat grapes off the wallpaper.

Literally or figuratively? I mean, did they see the grapes on the wallpaper and try to eat them or did they just think there were grapes there.

Hopefully she'll be able to avoid a concussion.

I'm not sure this line works. It's sort of blunt, and doesn't fit with the rest of the voice, in my humble opinion. It's a cool line, one that I would definitely recycle, but just... not here.

the sound....the sound of birds calling beyond my door.

Why the dot-dot-dot?

Okay...

II. IS SHE HELEN OR AM I ME?

You manage well with the confusion of the whole thing, I just get puzzled over whether it's Helen or your -currently unnamed - MC who is Helen's alter-ego that is confused. You switch between third and first a lot, and while it certainly gives an atmosphere, but I'm a little uncertain of the direction in which she is confused... does that make sense? Which is the person that she wants to forget, and which is the one she wants to be?

III. OVERALL

You've got something really powerful going on here. Take care of it.

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x

Sarah.

This, was


incredible

It truly was. Helen's state of mind, her constant questioning of herself and the world. Everything. It's perfect. To think that you wouldn't have posted this.

Seriously, it was so poignant and emotional. It truly shows how powerful the right words in the right places can be.

This, Sarah, is a masterpiece.

I really can't say much more.

Incredible, Sarah, truly incredible.

xD

Omg, Castles, when I saw you had a second part up, I stopped everything I was doing to come read it.

You continue to amaze with this second part, and I applaud your writing style. I sent the link to part one to about a dozen of my non-YWS friends, and they all absolutely loved it. All of my nitpicks have been pointed out all ready though. I like how you switch between first and third, it projects her "condition/vacation" very well. Repetition is your spice, and you sprinkle it in just the right spots.

Great job

Hi again!

Now I'm wondering if:
1) Helen has lost her marbles & the world is twisted and disturbing
or 2) Helen just lost her marbles.

But once again, I liked the realistically disturbing/loony thoughts Helen had,
And I'm really intrigued by the world she has described.
Now that she questions her identity,
It really makes me want to know what happened to her.
Another attention-capturing job well done!

I was going to go back to reading Tipping the Velvet but I couldn't resist. This was brilliant one of the best things I've read on YWS. As someone before me said, cherish this and do not give this up. You really have something here and it is very poignant and colorful and emotional.

I spoke to shrinks, men who use words like flim flam, wish wash, and severe schizophrenia to describe my condition. It’s not a condition, but it’s far from vacation. See, Helen’s not happy anymore, Helen misses life. Helen misses Joe Pesci movies, the smell of a lover’s hair, the warm feeling you get inside when you bite into a big chocolate cookie, the sound....the sound of birds calling beyond my door. And Helen knows that she can never leave, not now. Not while her condition is vacation and her vacation is condition.

This piece made me smile and you can't help not loving Helen because of course she is Helen and she embraces and excepts her condition. She knows it's both a gift and a curse and yet despite her differences, she's ready to conquer the world. And she has an optimistic outlook on things that I just like.
Thanks for sharing Helen with us and...

Bravo!

~Angel

Hiya, Sarah, again.

And sorry, I’ve realized that there is a world outside these four walled rooms. Worlds of sweets, of love, of happiness, and Helen intends to meet it head on.

This felt a little too in-your-face after that sweet little nonsense Helen's been telling us. Somehow I doubt that Helen (or "I") would be able to think the world outside as a one of "love" and "happiness", since she kind of doesn't have a clue of anything. Then again, she has the clue of everything.

Then Helen noticed that some who did got out.

It took me a while to get this sentence.

I spoke to shrinks, men who use words like flim flam, wish wash, and severe schizophrenia to describe my condition.

I doubt that Helen/"I" would be able to remember a word so difficult as "schizophrenia" in her situation. It just stood out a little.


I liked the first chapter even more, but you really have something unique here that you're not allowed to throw away. That's my order. But really, Sarah, you're horrible. You make me feel like my writing's good for nothing, which it probably is. You've written so much good stuff, and you're three years younger than me. I hate you. But I can't hate you. Which I don't, 'cause I love you. Haha.

I'm glad I've gotten to know you! See you around!


Demeter
xxx

*LOCKED*

Plagiarism.