Down in the State of Georgia

Any grammar issues are the character's voice.

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Down in the state of Georgia
I killed ten thousand men.
I’d never felt so high, so free
Since I don’t know when.

It’s easy, see, when you have your guns,
your powder, your oil, your friends.
I would like to have seen the looks on the cop’s faces,
as they cleaned up the men’s odds and ends.

I hid for a while under a roof
of a far and lonely place.
No one came to look for me,
Cause I was such a disgrace.

My beard grew long, my wits grew keen
As I hid in that lonely place.
I’d begun to think at long, long last
that them police had given up the chase.

When I emerged from the darkness,
The sun crept along my face.
I never looked back, though I never forgot
that dark and lonely place.

I fled the state, I fled the country
as a fugitive running amok.
I stole some money, I stole some beer,
I took the chance and stole a truck.

Though I knew no one knew me there,
I still felt unprotected.
I never knew what lay ahead.
I expected the unexpected.

Sometimes I listened to the priest
That preached and teached down the road.
He taught of a God in heaven.
Sometimes I think his heart might explode.

You see, that man had a heart like a giant,
a large and forgiving thing.
When he looked at me, I could feel his love.
It was like my soul wanted to take wing.


He gave me a Holy Bible.
He told me to read it each night.
And so I took it home and looked over the words—
And suddenly everything felt all right.

I knew I’d done some wrong
in my long and miserable life.
The priest never condemned me.
He never spoke of my strife.

He told me, “God will forgive you
if only you repent.”
The words struck my heart at an odd end.
And at last, I felt content.

But then I said,
“Why would God save my soul? I’m a killer and a dirty thief.”
The priest smiled and bowed his head.
“God can help you get rid of your grief.”

“Repent,” he told me. “Repent and be saved.”
I thanked him and ran to a secluded place.
I bowed my head and shut my eyes.
In my mind, I saw His face.

“Forgive me, O Lord.
I have wronged you.
Save me, O Lord,
My soul is yours.
Free me from this world.
Cut these sins away.
I’m sorry, dear Lord.
Forgive me, O Lord,
I pray.”

I opened my eyes
and wiped away the tears.
I sat in silence
and wished away my fears.

A subtle calmness engulfed me.
At last I felt free of all sin.
I choked out a cry and thanked God in heaven.
And, at last, I felt my soul within.

From your blog entry, it sounds like you don't do poetry very often, if at all. I'm not a poet either, lol.

The major problem with the poem is the whole Amazing Grace theme; that is, I was blind but now I see. Typically, these themes are really hard to implement without sounding absolutely atrocious and cliche. Unfortunately, this poem is no different.

To be specific, I think the problem boils down to trying to tell a story within a poem. Poems are usually used to convey feelings, ideas, or to capture a brief snippet of time; stretching the poetic format to tell a story is something only a few authors can do. Even the best poets on YWS can't do it well.

My suggestion is to take what you have here and write it down as a short story. In doing so, be sure to spend more time on the conversion from evil to good. With the Priest, you should consider having the Priest encouraging the murderer to turn himself in. In my Church at least, Priests not only tell you to atone for your sins by seeking forgiveness from God, but also by seeking forgiveness from others. In the context of murder, that means having the murderer turn himself in.

As to the poetic elements, it had a really weird meter to it; that is, it seemed like you were trying to stick to a certain flow, but the flow kept being interrupted by extra syllables here or there. The there was also the forced rhyme scheme of ABCB. Be very wary of sticking to such rigid elements; they are very hard to get right without spending a lot of time. Sometimes, the words didn't even rhyme at all (just because two words end with -ed doesn't mean they rhyme).

Anyhow, good luck. The experiment didn't work out, but that's why we experiment.

Did you know what the title made me think of? "The devil went down to Georgia."
But that's off-topic. Back on topic.

It was first try experience. I thought it was really well for a first poem ever written. Or at least, a poem for a writer who hasn't written many poems.
Nate went over all the what's-not-so-good-and-how-to-fix-it stuff. I say, dont't give up. Keep trying Bear, you'll get it.

Hey Bear!


A poem by you! Yay!

Pft, push all comments about being not being a poet aside, this was good.


So, I think this should have been written as a Ballad. (A ballad is a poem in verse form that tells a story) You were very close to doing that here, you just kind of went over the side at some points.

In some places your Enjambment was off. (Enjambment is running over of a sentence or thought from one line to the next) Keep an eye on that; sometimes you put your break in the wrong places. Knowing when the right time and right place is a tricky thing. Takes loads of practice.

Some lines here also seemed a bit too long to be in one line. Also! This line:

Sometimes I think his heart might explode.

Sadly doesn't fit. See, the usage of "sometimes" in poetry is rarely accepted. It's an awkward word; and leaving it out doesn't take away anything from the poem. If you say a character in a story sometimes thinks that the world might tilt over, you don't have to put "sometimes" in there. We understand that a person or creature ain't always gonna be thinking that the worlds gonna tilt. So! All of that to say, this sentence is awkward here. Read the above sentences aloud and you'll see what I mean.


As I often say, the best way to revise a poem is to read it aloud. It helps a good deal, because if you, the author, stumbles over a part, no doubt your reader probably will.


Overall, Bear, it was a good poem. I don't think the rhymes here were forced, and it flowed pretty okayish.

Keep an eye on your sentence length. That has a big effect on the overall appearance and flow of the poem.


Best way to become a poet is to keep practicing. Don't give up; keep trying.


Good job Bear.

xxJune

(Hope I wasn't too harsh!)

and I hope I made sense.

Hey there Jare Bear!

I have to agree with Nate; this comes off more as a story than a poem. You don't exactly use any poetical devices apart from line breaks and stanzas, so it is left entirely to telling. This sort of makes it boring, and I'm also left asking questions. Some crazy murdering people aren't that willing to move away from their ways and be redeemed. Heck, some people even murder for God. And why did this man murder in the first place? What made him go to the church? Was he bored? Looking for victims? Did he feel something lacking inside of him that made him think, perhaps I can find something there? Rather than having any emotional reason for anything, he's simply talking about how it happened, and so you've stripped all the feelings from it and left it bare, even drab.

Nate talked about how to turn it into a story, but I still think you could turn it into a poem. It wouldn't be the same thing, and you'd have to throw away all that you have here but I still think you can do it. Poetry works better if focusing on more specific events along with the emotions of them. It stood out to me the moment where the man went away and spoke to God. Perhaps you could write a poem (not from his POV) regarding his feelings during this situation? The change of demeanor from before and after? It would be difficult but it would make a wonderful poem. All that you said here isn't important, but you could insinuate certain things like murder and repentance being needed.

One thing you might want to keep in mind if you plan to write more poetry is that every word you write is important. Poetry being the shortest form of writing, it is incredebly hard. Some stanzas (S6) don't serve to do anything for the poem, they just repeat things we've already learnt. Everything you write need to be going towards the overall purpose of the poem.

Best of luck!

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but this is posted in 'Narrative Poetry' and it states that this is a section for poetry that tells a story.

I really appreciate all of your comments, but I fail to understand this.

This poem is sort of like those Dr. Suess books. They tell a story in a poetic format. It's not really meant to be poetry. It's just a story told in the form of a poem.

Did I post this in the wrong place or something? I'm not sure...

-Jared

Although I'm not particularly a fan of the content of the poem (the story itself is somewhat limited), I thought as a demonstration of your ability to maintain a constant rhythm it was good. Yes, a few lines are clunky -- you can probably work these out just by reading the poem aloud to yourself. But overall, I liked it.

I haven't read any of your other poems but it looks like you're going in the right direction. Command of rhythm can be a hard task, and you look like you've had a really good go. I recommend trying to improve your command of language to make your poetry more interesting. Right now this is quite basic, and unfortunately, boring.

Good luck!

I'm not really getting the "Dr. Seuss" vibe here, but oh well.

of a far and lonely place.

How many times have you used "place" for a rhyme? 2..3..4. Someone's a little stuck for rhymes, eh?

Most of the rhymes flow okay, though, so this is better than some other poems I've read (most of those being my own ) Overall, great effort! I can't really find much wrong with this!