A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story

It was the night before Christmas
In a dark corner of the house
Jackson Blake was stirring
Quietly as a mouse

Creeping on tiptoes
Sneaking like a thief
He hung up some Mistletoe
Next to an evergreen leaf

His heart full of longing
He turned his head back
For a last look at the golden doorframe
Wherein lied his love, Mary Black

For weeks now it had been the same
A sly look, a shy smile,
Like two magnets, orbiting
Their days for once worthwhile

Awaking Christmas Morn
He bravely took her hand
And led her to the mistletoe
Just as he planned


She looked up, then back
Her eyes sparkled and filled
As their lips met, sweetly
Both feeling in that moment, fulfilled

Telling their grandchildren this tale
Year after year
Mary laughed warmly as Jack
For once was not near

Glancing at the corner of the room
She signed and remembered her awe
As she looked back and saw his hands
Left form his nightly quest: scarred, raw

He never knew that she knew,
Knew the only place the mistletoe grew.
In the grey hollow the berries peeked through the thorns
Covered in Christmas dew

A/N Hey everyone
Please help me with the punctuation for this poem. Do you put a comma after every line? Was the ending ok? I didn't really want to end on "Christmas dew", but its almost midnight now and I can't think of anything else
Please review, I need some help
Thanks for your time
OXOX
CoolCatEllt

Putting a comma at the end of every line isn't all that necessary. Some do, some don't, and I don't think it much matters. Commas are used to show a break within a sentence; skipping to a new line accomplishes much the same thing. So whether or not you use commas is entirely up to you, but in this case, I think the poem did very well without commas at the end of every line.

On the ending, I didn't get it. Why does it matter that she knew the only place where the mistletoe grew? Where is the grey hollow? Saying covered in Christmas dew was fine, but the stanza had no context to it.

I think the poem overall was good. However, there were some odd bits; such as, why do you have Mary laughing warmly then say "Jack/for once was not near." It sounds as if she wanted him to die!

The two magnets orbiting also doesn't work as a metaphor. For one, it's odd to be talking about Christmas, love, and mistletoe, then describe love as two magnets. For another, two magnets orbiting one another will actually repel one another; not attract.

You might also want to spend some time describing how Jack got the mistletoe. Here, it seems as if Jack went out an got the mistletoe from a bush, and if that's so, a quick stanza explaining that would be nice. Otherwise, I was thinking he got it from a store, which made the bit about his hands being raw seem very odd.

But like I said, overall the poem was good. Keep working at it.

Nate

Thanks for the review. Yea I will definitely edit this when I have.

The bit with the magnets - yup, I'll change that, but my brain was too fuzzy, I agree it doesn't fit in well

The last 3 stanzas I rewrote about four times.

I wrote the first stanza and I wanted her to tell her grandchildren a secret, that her eyes had filled with tears of mirth and not emotion as Jack had by accident in the night hung up something funny like poison ivy.

But I couldn't put that idea into rhyme, only prose. She laughed as she remembered that.

Then I tried the idea of her realizing that he hurt his hands getting the mistletoe from a dark thorny area, proving his love.

And obviously that didn't work so well either.

I'll keep working on it and see if I can make the ending fit better.

Thank you again for the review

CoolCatElly

I thought this was an adorable idea, but i'm always up for a good love story. =)

Reading the poem, and then reading the explanation for the last couple stanzas - i agree that it doesn't really say what you want it to say. But you already know that, and i'm sure with a little time and effort, it will all sort out.
If you're really having difficulty with it (because it does sound kind of difficult to put into short, poetry lines, although defnitely not impossible) you could think about stopping it after the mistletoe kiss. (Or possibly, adding a final, wrap up stanza after.) Anyways, it would still be a sweet, simple poem. I guess it depends on what you're going for.

Also, watch how many syllables you're putting in certain lines, like,
"For a last look at the golden doorframe"
or
"For weeks now it had been the same"
particularly stuck out to me, because it has more syllables than the rest of your lines, and then it breaks the rythym up. Try condensing the words, or even breaking up the line if necessary. I think that might be better than rushing to say everything.

As for the last stanza, i didn't mind it, except of course, that it isn't very clear what you're trying to say. I would however, think about eliminating "knew the" in this line

"Knew the only place the mistletoe grew"

because it's repetitive and too long. But it was good, to summarize/conclude. You have really good ideas for it, and it's a fun rhyme scheme. It should be really good with a little bit of revising.

I'm going to reply to your question first.. I don't think you put a comma after every line - but I could be wrong, I stink at poetry, critting and writing so this critique might be a little off also. =]
I thought it was very good. A nice Christmas poem for the holidays, are you doing one for New Year's?
Great Writing!