Empire

All you people sitting up high,
wondering what poor person to make cry.
I give you a goal for this life,
to try to understand our strife.
It can't hurt to walk in our shoes,
or to see the house and people we lose,
because we cant provide for them,
or have many gifts to send,
So see our lives, like you haven't before,
and see why we're all poor.
It's not because we dont try,
it's because people like you hate us.
And all I ask is why?

evanrith wrote:(Hey there Evan! June here! I'm going to review your poem for you now .)

All you people sitting up high,
wondering what poor person to make cry.

Very good point you are trying to say here; it's clearly spoken, but the rhyme is forced. You don't actually have to have the poem rhyme, but when this is read aloud it sounds weird. The first line is shorter than the second, so in reading this, you would have to rush it to make it fit and sound good. But tsk, tsk, that would ruin the poem and the message, so you should try to reword this to make the second line shorter, the first line longer, cut some out, add more, whatever. Just make it fit .

I give you a goal for this life,
to try to understand our strife.

Ooh, nice a challenge!

It can't hurt to walk in our shoes,
or to see the house and people we lose,

Hmm. Once again, the second line is longer than the first, dear. How about we try something simpler, like "the things we lose"?

because we cant provide for them,
or have many gifts to send,

Even if you pay no attention to what I said above, this couplet doesn't fit. I would say to switch it with something else, perhaps a totally new idea, because in the previous couplets, you change ideas as ou go from one to the next.

So see our lives, like you haven't before,
and see why we're all poor.

How about you say "See what makes us poor?"

It's not because we dont try,
it's because people like you hate us.
And all I ask is why?

dont should be don't

Overall, a nice poem with a great message behind it. Remember! Poetry doesn't have to rhyme; it just has to make sense. Revise your poems by reading aloud and ask yourself "does this sound good?"


Keep up the good work, and keep posting!


xxJune

Your rhyme scheme is very odd. You go AABBCC then DEFFGHG, which is a bit like driving in a straight line then all of a sudden zig-zagging for no apparent reason. Personally, I say just drop the rhyme scheme altogether, which it seems like you decided to do half-way through. However, if you do keep with the rhyme scheme, be consistent. In fact, I suggest doing this as a sonnet.

It's obvious that the speaker here is very angry, but that feeling wasn't conveyed very well through the poem. Instead, the speaker comes off as just whining to me.

Best of luck.

Really good and kind of deep if you think about it the right way. I really like it and I'm glad you wrote it, although I wish the poem was a little longer just a personal preference to ignore. Your rhyming is sort of weird, but if you had spaced whenever you rhymed new words it would have been fine... (if that makes sense)

anyway, keep writing