Soul Forms

Soul Forms

I am the soul-supporter,
here to comfort your mighty spirit
as you rise to the future greatness
that is coming for you.
You say my soul is wonderful
and I know this,
you've told me so many times before.
But really I feel like your pretty little white lily
when you are the pond, and the forest, and the sky.

When I set your soul free,
you flew far, far away from me
and I from you.
But today you came back to me,
and in my weakness,
I grabbed on to you,
wanting that strong might and power
of your soul next to mine,
feeding my energy as well.
But please, let us build our weaknesses together.
Make your demons mine as well,
and I will whisper
my sweet attempts at alluring cures
whenever you need me.



Note: After reading this again, it went through some more changes. I thought the language was somewhat bland and that the idea wasn't coming across well enough. I think I've fixed it mostly now, but crits are still appreciated!

yoha_ahoy wrote:Soul Forms I nominate this title as the most innovative (original) on YWS.

I am the soul-supporter,
here to comfort your mighty spirit
as you rise to the future greatness ---with or without that word?
that is yours to come.
You say mine is wonderful
and I know this. What!? Are you egoistic or?
But really I feel like your pretty little white lily Put the commas between the adjectives. What does it mean "I feel like your lily?" You sympathize with or what?
when you are the pond, and the forest, and the sky. I get it now...

When I set your soul free,
you flew away from me
and I from you. No
Today you came back to me,
and in my weakness,
I grabbed on.
But please, let us build our weaknesses together.
Make your demons mine as well,
and I will help whenever you need me.

The last few verses are good but it's missing something or it's too much of that "something."

I expected more from this . It needs work but I'm sure that you'll fix this. May the Melpomène and Erato be with you...

Eek, this was not as good as I would normally expect from you.

The part I liked was this:

[quote]When I set your soul free,
you flew away from me
and I from you.
Today you came back to me,
and in my weakness,
I grabbed on.[/quote

And that's mostly because it sounds like she's enslaving the other person's soul, and just the thought of that is interesting. There's a lot of conflict in that thought. The part about the soul-supporter doesn't really make sense though, and especially with these lines, the exact role of what is a soul-supporter is uncertain. Clear up why these two people seem to have a master/slave relationship, and it'll be better. Also, I would probably go with the master/slave idea more, just because of the conflict. It's a lot greater. ^^ And that doesn't mean that this master/slave relationship has to be a bad one, necessarily. In fact, it could be to everyone's advantage. Maybe being the master allows the narrator to help the other person. So just clear it up and it'll be better.

Hey yoha! Nice to see you still around the poetry forums.

I think this was well-structured, and had a tight flow. In terms of constructing your poem, everything is fine. I'm disappointed by the language and ideas though. I think you can do better.

I liked bits such as "pretty little white lily" because of its sonic qualities, but past that, it seemed basic and simple. Also, I think Snoink has it right about the conflict. It's rather passive right now, the idea of the narrator having (in their eyes) a lesser soul, and therefore they are only there to support another. But like Snoink says, it could be developed into something better.

Good luck!