The Pain I See

~ I know it's short but it is my first poem and it seemed to sum up what I saw. It needs some help though~

Have you ever seen real suffering in one’s eye,
Or heard it clear in their cry?
Have you ever felt helpless in such a place,
Or did you brush it off and hurry on in your haste?
Did you feel it, deep in your heart?
Or did you just leave it be, not doing your part?
Did you feel that whatever you did wouldn’t change a thing,
Or did you not try anything?

Or [s]just[/s] did you [s]just[/s] brush it off and hurry on in your haste?

You used "just" twice and it really weakens the line. I'd also remove "just" in the other place you have it, line six.

I really only have two things I'd like to point out about this poem.

Rhetorical questions - You use a lot of these. In fact, you use so many, every single line is a question. This might seem like a great idea, but really you're just making your reader feel bad and accusing them of being heartless. Not to mention, questions aren't solid enough. One or two of them is okay, but making your whole poem questions is putting it all on weak ground, and no matter what you're saying, you want your message to be strong.

Be Specific - You're talking about a lot of things: suffering, cries, helplessness, "it", but no matter what you're talking about you're still being to vague. Especially when you say, "did you feel it?" You have a lot of good ideas to cover, but you only briefly mention them - you don't talk about anything in detail. As a result, I'm a little lost while reading your poem and I cannot relate to it, I can't feel anything. Instead of quickly going over everything, why not spend some time describing what you're talking about, so that your reader knows exactly what you're talking about, and can relate to it?

It's a great first poem, and I'm sure you'll improve it easily! If you have any question feel free to ask.

Welcome to YWS. We hope you like our concept and the whole idea of this. If you have any questions feel free to send me a message...

moonlight123 wrote:~ I know it's short but it is my first poem and it seemed to sum up what I saw. It needs some help though~

Have you ever seen real suffering in one’s eye?
Or heard it clear in their cry?
Have you ever felt helpless in such a place? Which place?
Or [s]just[/s] did you [s]just[/s] brush it off and hurry on in your haste? "on in" sounds a little "weard." My ear does not recognize it
Did you feel it, deep in your heart? ...did you feel the: splash, beat, fluff, doom, ....what?
Or did you just leave it be, not doing your part? This is very similar to my problem. I try to say something big but I don't say it in right way... Why don't you just delete the second part of the verse? (don't forget about the "it")
Did you feel that whatever you did wouldn’t change a thing? 1. second "did" is "do, won't". 2. Two "did" ---Come on, that doesn't makes sense and it is ruining the whole system of the, lets say good, poem.
Or did you not try anything? Try:Have you even tried (such)? (if so don't forget to say what did he/she tried)

I'm disappointed. When I first read your work it seemed like you wrote it with fun, enthusiasm, love, as a relief but as more I was reading it the more mistakes I found. It's a bit awkward-so much questions....You have so many of them so the reader don't see which of them are really important and which of them aren't. That's the whole point of this critique.

I liked it. I'll get this part over with first- your rhyming was a tad bit off. Nothing too major that I can say to change, since everyone else tore it to shreds....

Since it was your very first poem, I will say that you have talent in the making. Not even experienced writers can write with raw feelings like that...soo....AWESOME JOB!!!

Eek! Nice poem. But before I start complimenting it and everything, let me introduce myself, seeing as you're new and such! I'm Snoink, and basically I'm on YWS waaaaaay too much. I like critiquing and I tend to be harsh with works, but that's okay because then people improve and they get awesome, which is always lovely. I'm also a moderator at YWS, so if you need any help, contact me. Also, if you've encountered any trouble, contact me. I'll do my best to help you.

Now, for your poem!

Your poem is actually kind of awesome. I like it because it's very structured and it has a logical flow. I looooove logic and I love it when people use it actively, so when I see something flow logically, that's amazing to me. I like it how it every line makes you feel a little bit more uncomfortable until you have the ending and it's BAM! in your face. And that's just awesome.

Now, if I wanted to be really nit-picky, which I am, I would say that there are too many question marks in the poem. The questions seem to be written in couplets, so I would probably replace the first question mark of each couplet with a comma. That way, it'll look better.

ALSO. This is being extremely nit picky, but I think it would be amazing if you added more to this poem. That is, don't touch the first stanza that much... I love how it catches, and you definitely want a catchy beginning. But I would add more stanzas. I can imagine right now a second stanza that says, "I have." And then that stanza would go on about an experience that the narrator has gone through which brings these questions up. So it delves into humanity more. And, maybe I'm just a geek like that, but the further into humanity I can go, the happier I am. Poetry is brilliant at doing this.

Anyway, hope that helps! If you have any questions, PM me.

See you around YWS!

the poem rhymes but it doesn't have rhythm. The words don't flooow. I think the message of your poem is great. It means a lot to the world nowadays since more or less it is questioning the inactivity of people regarding the problems of the world. it speaks very directly which I think makes the delivery of your message more effective.

moonlight123 wrote:
Have you ever seen real suffering in one’s eye?
Or heard it clear in their cry?
Have you ever felt helpless in such a place?
Or just did you just brush it off and hurry on in your haste?
Did you feel it, deep in your heart?
Or did you just leave it be, not doing your part?
Did you feel that whatever you did wouldn’t change a thing?
Or did you not try anything?

I loved this! Wow, you never said you could write poetry! Okay, so- I agree with Snoink, I love your structure. You have set up something that the reader can relate to, because being universal in a poem is important. This is something that everyone is guilty of, so you really direct those emotions and feelings at the reader.

Maybe for all of your question marks, you could replace some with commas. For example (with my editing):

Have you ever seen real suffering in one’s eye,
Or heard it clear in their cry?
Have you ever felt helpless in such a place,
Or [s]just[/s] did you just brush it off and hurry on in your haste?
Did you feel it, deep in your heart,
Or did you just leave it be, not doing your part?
Did you feel that whatever you did wouldn’t change a thing,
Or did you not try anything?

I would have enjoyed more in your poem, but that's just me. I like everything long.

This is truly amazing for someone who has never written poetry before. I hope you post more, because I will be looking for it!

Since you're entering the world of poetry, I'd like to wish you good luck on any future attempts. It's a hard and unforgiving place.

One thing you should learn is that rhetorical questions aren't a very good poetical device if used repeatedly and exclusively. The odd question, well-placed, can work, but not if used over and over again.

Like Suzanne has picked up on, your poem is very vague. It can be good in poetry to tie emotion to physical objects and details the reader can understand. Otherwise, the presentation of feeling can seem too familiar and stale. You should always try and aim to be fresh in presenting an idea, but as this is your first poem, I wouldn't worry too much about that. Just try and link your ideas to real-world things.

Good luck!

Personally, I think this poem would be really great if you made this the first stanza, then do a second not asking questions, but answering them, and maybe a third, just with imagery and such. 'Kay that sounds quite strange, but I know what I mean... 'sup to you

The structure and flow is great. xD

And I love the questions, just not so many

I do love how your poetry seems to be exploring things though; it's like you're searching for answers through poetry, by asking questions. I really love the depth, but just be careful with the questions

Anyway, I've got to go to get ready for school, sorry this is short and rubbish

~Kirsten
xxx

Hi I'm new to reviewing so don't expect this to be the greatest review, but i'll let you know what I think. I think that for your first poem it is pretty good, and the idea behind it is great. It shows emotion and i like it. I am not going to get into the technicalities such as the "justs" and such, but what i love about poetry is the flow, and this one just didn't flow. I think that comes with time and practice, so don't be discouraged. Someone before worded it right. It rhymes but it just doesn't flow, and I believe that the flow makes a poem so much more enjoyable and easier to read. Anyway, it is not bad at all, and like i said before it was a great concept, you should just fix it up.