For my mind

So I've been there at a certain time.
Sought my battles, spoke my mind

Forced to disconnect the ties that bind
For a tear I shed, only for my last dime.

With a forceful voice, whose words tried to rhyme,
and I've sat in the pew until I heard that chime.

The one that released all but my mind.
Forced to deal with death and meaningless crime.

So now I stand on the edge of time.
Lost in a glare that reminds of lime.

And still I am forsaken, forced to pay this fine
Jailed in the darkness, roomed with a mime.

Mocked and heated, I start to climb.
From the bottom of the pit, where I've spent this past lifetime.

And I know, for none but time
I'd be lost in the mist of my rhyme
Too scared to leave this culture's slime,
Dismissed from my singularity, for which I pine.

Therefore I would be lost
if not for the solace,
of my mind.

Hello Henry! kissthewitch here, ready to review your poem. There are a few mechanical things to sort out, so I'll start with those:

The Henry wrote:So I've been there at a certain time.
Sought my battles, spoken my mind

Forced to disconnect the ties that bind
For a tear I shed, only for my last dime.

With a forceful voice, whose words tried to rhyme,
and I've sat in the pugh I guess my vocabulary's not as good as I thought-I've never heard this. Just make sure it's not a typo until I heard that chime.

The one that released all, Ditch the comma. but my mind.
Forced to deal with death and meaningless crime.

So now I stand on the edge of time.
Lost in a glare, Ditch the comma. that reminds of lime.

And still I am forsaken, forced to pay this fine
Jailed in the darkness, roomed with a mime.

Mocked and heated, I start to climb.
From the bottom of the pit, where I've spent this past lifetime.

And I know, for none but time
I'd be lost in the mist of my rhyme
Too scared to leave, Ditch the comma. this culture's slime,
Dismissed from my singularity, for which I pine.

Therefore I would be lost
if not for the solace,
of my mind.

I like the ideas you have here-you lost me a couple of times, like when I didn't know what a pugh was, or the 'for a tear I shed, only for my last dime'. Overall, though, I think you conveyed the concept in an interesting and meaningful way. So, good work! I did notice that there were a couple of times you used too many syllables and it sounded a bit awkward, so you may want to reread your poem and edit. Oh, and I thought your last two stanzas were perfection.
xxxxx

Thanks for reviewing. I wrote this one fast as soon as it popped into my head, and didn't proofread. Correcting now.

Also.. when you see pew.. Imagine the seats in a church.
And as Nate has stated, i had the wrong spelling. Its supposed to be "pew"

PS: Spoken wouldn't make sense right there.

I reviewed another work by yourself, and I like this one a lot more. You said that you proofread this one, and it shows. I also like the general idea of this poem (i.e., If but for my mind, I would be lost).

However, the rhyming does come off as very forced (especially in the second line of the fifth stanza). When you choose to rhyme lines, it takes a long time to perfect the poem. Some people spend years trying to find just the right way to craft a line.

When you say "pugh," I think you mean "pew" if you're referring to seats in a church. Otherwise, "pugh" is usually used in the context of, "Pugh! That smells like something foul!"

Keep working on this. Lighten up on the rhyming, keep with the idea.

I simply adore this poem. I love the rhyme as it flows through my mind. My favorite lines are
"And I know, for none but time

I'd be lost in the mist of my rhyme

Too scared to leave this culture's slime,

Dismissed from my singularity, for which I pine."

I love the mention of your culture's slime, and how you afraid to leave it. Or stuck in it.

Hey, The Henry! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this for you, but I'm here now. Feel free to PM me again if you have any questions about this review or if you'd like me to look at another piece of your work! =D

Alright, I'm going to suggest two main things that I think can help to mold this poem into something that's more easily accessible. First of all, when you write a poem, the way to punctuate it {unless you're doing something else with the punctuation} is to turn it into prose, punctuate it, then use the same line breaks you did before. Putting a period at the end of every line makes /no/ sense at all, because you do not have full sentences in every line and it really breaks up the flow of the poem, making it much harder to read.

The second suggestion would be to try to drop that rhyme you have going. Don't get me wrong. I love rhyming. I am addicted to rhyming and I love fitting in words that rhyme, BUT you have way too many forced rhymes to make this a good poem. Write it free style, too, because I don't know if you can pull off a good rhythm. I see that you tried in this poem, but it was off in some parts. I would suggest free style, again, just so you can completely go outside of this poem and try to convey the message without having to stick in the rhyme and meter. Will you write the same message, or will it change because you're free to express what you want to express without restraint?

The only line that really stuck out to me as original and fantastic was:

Jailed in the darkness, roomed with a mime.

What is the significance of the mime? Silence, no support in the jail of darkness, right? That's such a powerful image, and I don't know if you had that in mind or just stumbled upon it by accident, but please keep that when you {if you} attempt to rewrite this poem in a different form.

Again, let me know if you have questions, and definitely PM me if you end up rewriting and reposting this. =] Let me know, also, if you would like me to review anything else. =D

-Hannah-