The Red SKy

September 1st


I see the red sky.
I see it everyday. It is not the creation of the human imagination. It is the creation of reality. It is as real as the hair on my head and the blade in my hand. It has become my reality and I no longer fear it. The blue sky I used to is just a remnant of my past. I have gazed the sky for a long time, waiting for the sky to change. For five years since IT happened, I have began gazing and waiting. It has become my hobby. It is my grudge.

'The sky reminds me of what my life has become I have never felt such strong desire to kill. The blade in my hand and the hair in my head are the signs of what my reality is.
My heart is empty and searching. Vanity is all but gone and life is something to discover.
Childhood is meant to be meaningful but mine is just the bitter stab in the heart.
I am struggling. Everyday I struggle. Something in me is stirring. Whether it is the grudge that I must search or the great avarice that I felt, It is my reality. It is my life to whom I have failed to commit. When others have hope in this time, I have simply despair. When there are others who find others, I have simply myself to trust. Yet I do not trust myself.

The red sky, I see it again. It is almost nighttime and the full amber moon ascends from the pitiful horizon.

I am living in a nightmare



And it was all his entire fault.

I liked it!

Several things though:

My heart is empty and searching. My vanity is all but gone. My life is something to discover but for now it is simply a wandering spirit. My childhood was fun but that was only it.

Did you use all the "my"s on purpose? It feels sort of repetitive. First person is great, but it doesn't mean every sentence should be "I..." "I..." "My..." "My..."

Also:
My childhood was fun but that was only it.

I don't really like this line. The "but that was only it" seems awkward and amateurish. So does the word fun. The whole line is slightly random.

Good story!

foxfire wrote: I see it everyday. It is not the creation of the human imagination. It is the creation of reality. It is as real as the hair on my head and the blade on ((in)) my hand. It has become my reality and I no longer fear it. The blue sky I see ((saw)) in the olden days* is but the remembrance of my old days.* I have gazed the sky for a very long time. Five since IT happened, I have began gazing and waiting for the sky to change.** It has become my hobby. It is my grudge.

I really liked this starting paragraph. Just a couple of minor things.
*: I don't like this repetition of 'old day's'. Try to change on of them.
**: I would combine these two sentences. The 'five since it happened' is awkward to me. I would say something like this, '...very long time, waiting for the sky to change.' It would flow a lot better.

foxfire wrote: The sky is a remembrance of that pitiful moment in my life. I have never felt such strong desire to kill. The blade in my hand and the hair in my head are the signs of what my reality is.

The first sentence doesn't really go with the rest of the paragraph. I think rewording it slightly could fix it. Maybe something like, 'The sky reminds me of what my life as become.'

foxfire wrote:My heart is empty and searching. Vanity is all but gone and life is something to discover.
Childhood is meant to be meaningful but mine is just the bitter stab in the heart.
I am struggling. Everyday I struggle. Something in me is stirring. Whether it is the grudge that I must search or the great avarice that I felt, It is my reality. It is my life to whom I have failed to commit. When others have hope in this time, I have simply despair. When there are others who find others, I have simply myself to trust. Yet I do not trust myself.

I really liked this part


I really liked this.
There were only minor things and I thought it was written very well.
My favorite part was the ending, the tone and style of that was very well done in my opinion.
Are you planning on continuing this? If you are, PM me when you put more up!

-Carly

Did you mean to capitalize "IT"? Because if so, I think you should just Italicize instead, to punctuate.

Now the only thing I found wrong or off, really, is this:

And it is His entire fault.

Italicize, first of all, and second of all is the awkward wording. Perhaps do something like this instead: And it was all his fault. I don't rememebr what tense the piece was in, but make the sentence match to whchever it is.

As to the piece in general, I liked it. There's some symbolism (at least I saw some - don't know if you meant any of it taht way), and the style is inteersting. A good beginning.

Only thing I didn't like was the weird ...'s that randomly appeared and broke the flow of the story. I would just cut those out.

Good luck with your writing,

KJ